Lois: What is this?
Hal: It's a hot tub, Lois.
Lois: Are you out of your mind? We can't afford a hot tub.
Hal: That's what I said, too, but then the sales guy showed me how wrong I was. Boys, get out here!
Lois: Hal, I can't believe you did this without me. You know we always make these kinds of decisions together.
Hal: It was an in-store promotion. We got 20% off on the spot. Plus a tub club card, plus free caulking. And that's where they kill you, Lois - the caulking.

Reese: So you can shoot free throws better than me. Fine. Whatever. Big deal. That's all you've got on me. Can you stop a ceiling fan with your head? I didn't think so. And look at this. [holds up Popsicle in front of own face] My Popsicle's like twice the size of yours. What a score. I am totally...
Malcolm: Reese. [pulls Reese's Popsicle next to his]
Reese: Oh. Never mind.

Lois: Hal, you're taking it back.
Hal: What about the boys? Don't they get a say in this?
Dewey: Yeah, Mom, it'll be great for entertaining.
Lois: No, they do not get a say in this because we are not keeping it.
Hal: Well, we're... kind of locked in.
Lois: We're what?
Hal: Lois, you don't get deals like this without making a commitment. It's zero percent interest. If you factor in inflation, it's almost like they're paying us 2,800 bucks.
Lois: $2,800! I can't believe you! You went behind my back, you spent money you had no right to spend to buy a pile of lumber and tubes.
Hal: Don't worry. It has very detailed assembly instructions, which I won't go anywhere near because Malcolm's doing it.
Malcolm: I don't mind.

Hal: Did I tell you? You just can't have a care in the world when you're in a hot tub. It's like a trip back to the old amniotic sac.

Gretchen: Francis, have you seen Otto?
Francis: What's the matter?
Gretchen: I don't like letting him out of my sight. He's been so accident-prone. In the past few days, he smashed up both our cars. He keeps falling down the stairs. This morning, he set his hair on fire with his reading glasses.
Otto: [enters] Gretchen, my love, I wonder if you can fetch the tweezers. I seem to have an ass-full of cactus.
Gretchen: Otto, it was just beginning to heal.
Otto: Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.

Dewey: Dad. Noah and I were supposed to play together, but when I got to his house, he wasn't there. I waited for an hour, but he never showed up.
Hal: Don't be so negative. Maybe he got hurt and was taken to the hospital, or maybe his grandmother died.

Lois: Well, look at the giant surprise that happened here. You want to tell me this wasn't a huge waste of money now?
Hal: Every tub has a break-in period. It's just adjusting to our natural body chemistry.
Lois: There's a six-inch crust of algae.
Hal: The tub is fine.
[cut to Hal climbing in the hot tub:]
Hal: See? Absolutely perfect. [frog ribbits]

Hal: Go ahead and say it. I know you're dying to.
Lois: [emotional] Why do I always have to be the fun killer?
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: Do you know what it's like to be the person in charge of saying "no" all the time? I hate it.
Hal: Honey, we depend on you for that. You're the one who keeps us from killing ourselves.
Lois: Yes, but all I ever hear is "Why can't we?" and "You never let us." Just once can't I be the person who gets to have the fun, crazy idea?
Hal: You know what? Absolutely. Go ahead. What do you have in mind?
Lois: Well, I can't come up with something just on the spot.
Doctor: [to Hal] Okay. This should stunt the algae growth. This should burn off your outer layer of skin. And these pills will gradually kill what's lodged in your urethra.

Malcolm: I did it! I got my learner's permit. I can drive anywhere with an adult. And the adult does not have to be visible from the outside. I checked.

Lois: Everyone taking the test was trying to copy off him.
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow, Mom's actually proud of me. It's kind of nice to finally have my moment in the...
Lois: Dewey?! Oh, my God! Is this what it looks like?
Dewey: Yes, Mom. This is a friend. His name's Noah.
Lois: Oh, Noah, it is such a pleasure to meet you. I can't tell you how thrilled I am...
Dewey: Mom. If we seem too excited, we're going to spook him. So as far as you're concerned, this is just another day. Come on, Noah.
Lois: Dewey? [takes photograph] Okay, I'm done now.