Francis: [on the phone] Dad, listen, I know I owe you guys a lot of money and I want to start paying you back. So I'm sending you $50 this month, and then my plan is...
Hal: What do you need $50 for?
Francis: No, I'm sending you $50.
Hal: Francis, I can't spare $50.
Francis: No, I'm sending you the money-
Lois: Just give him the $50. We have to go.
Hal: All right, your mother says it's okay, but we have to go. [hangs up]

Dewey: [to himself] I also think we should we have meat loaf on Mondays and not on Tuesdays so we can have an extra day of meat loaf sandwiches. I also think the table should be in front of the TV and the couch should be in front of the refrigerator. I also think there should be hand-me-ups instead of hand-me-downs, I think kids should be able to steer, and I think school should be only four hours a day and should be held on top of the building. I also think...

Mr. Herkabe: Ah, the golden boy has returned. Release the doves.
Malcolm: Hi, Mr. Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: And you must be Reese. I have been thoroughly briefed on you, and if you do one thing wrong, I'm going to go medieval on your permanent record.
Reese: Ask yourself, whatever happened to the old dean of discipline?

Malcolm: Mom, you have to talk to this lady. She won't let me return this book.
Lois: Oh, my God. What did you do to your pants?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Oh, for crying out loud. How did you get a stain there already?
Malcolm: Mom, come on.
Lois: It wasn't there this morning.
Malcolm: Mom, stop. It's no big deal.
Lois: No big deal? You begged me for these pants. You almost started crying in the store when I wasn't going to buy them for you, and now look what you did to them. That looks like that's coming from the inside.
Malcolm: Mom, leave me alone. You're embarrassing me.
Lois: Oh, I am not embarrassing you. [to another boy] Would you be embarrassed by this? [he shakes his head] No. See? Come on. See if we can find some club soda and get that out.
Stevie: Justice... is swift.

Reese: It's just so exciting to be part of something from the very beginning. Stain. It's classic. It's one of those rare nicknames that will stick with a person forever because they are so perfect in their cruelty. Hey, you know what's weird? It's actually wiping out my memory of your old name. Is it Monty? Marco? Murgatroyd?

Hal: Oh, that pompous little martinet! You should have seen his face!
Lois: Hal, it's crazy to be upset by this. You didn't want to do it anyway.
Hal: He didn't know that! That means he thinks he won. Which means I think I lost! But not for long, Lois. Ho-ho, not for long!

Cynthia: Malcolm! If you do this, I will never have sex with you again. [crowd gasps]
Malcolm: Again?
Boy #1: [o.s.] They had sex?
Boy #2: [o.s.] He had sex with her?
Girl #1: [o.s.] That kid had sex?
Girl #2: [o.s.] She's a slut.
Boy #3: [o.s.] She's a big slut.
Girl #3: Oh, my God, What a slut.
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow, I could really learn a lesson from this, but all I can think about right now is how the whole school is convinced that I had se-
Lois: You get out of that car this instant! What the heck is wrong with you?!

Lois: Mr. Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: Good morning.
Lois: It is so exciting being here on the first day of school.
Mr. Herkabe: Yes. It's like being at the cockfights before they open the cages.
Hal: So the two hours a day, does that include travel time? Because there was a lot of traffic.
Mr. Herkabe: So, you'll be handing out health forms and you report to the North Field.
Hal: Can't we do something together?
Mr. Herkabe: Let me check. Uh... no. But don't we both feel better knowing we tried?

Malcolm: [to camera] It's the first day of school. Everyone else is bummed, but I'm actually excited about it. I'm officially done with junior high. I'm not a Krelboyne anymore. I can be whatever I want to be. I don't have to worry about labels or cliques or who's cool. I'm going into high school. By the way, this is an excited twitch, not a nervous twitch.

Lois: Can we please just eat our breakfast and stop all this complaining?
Hal: But I don't understand. Why do we have to volunteer for the whole first week?
Lois: Because we got caught, Hal. We ducked out for 12 years. They were bound to get us eventually. Dewey, come here. Listen, you're going to be coming home from school at 3:00 this year. So this is the key to the house. You will come straight home, you will let yourself in and you will be in this house alone until your brothers get here exactly 15 minutes later, and not one second more! We're giving this to you because we trust you.
Hal: Congratulations. You're now a latchkey kid.