Craig: Here you go! I had to move a couple dozen bags of charcoal briquettes, but I found the slightly-darker-blue one that you wanted. I got a few spider bites, but none of that matters as long as you, the customer, go home satisfied. [the woman takes the bag and walks away without saying anything] You're welcome.
Woman #2: Excuse me! Where are your dog toys?
Craig: Yes, ma'am. They're right there. Right behind you.
Woman #2: Those are leashes.
Craig: If I could direct your attention three inches to the right.
Woman #2: I want that little hot dog up on top.
Craig: Sure thing. I see we have one just like it right here.
Woman #2: That isn't what I asked for. This has mustard on it. Peekaboo doesn't eat mustard.
Craig: Well, I can see that the one up there has mustard on it, too, and since it's not even real mustard-
Woman #2: Are you going to give me what I ask for?
Craig: Certainly. [Craig's shirt rips as he reaches to the top shelf] There you go. Thanks for shopping Lucky Aide.
Woman #2: This has mustard on it.
Craig: That's what I tried to tell you, you old bat! Now, you're gonna take it to your dog and make him like it!
[Craig and the old woman start throwing squeaky toys at each other]

Craig: I lied because I needed your help. I finally got my insurance settlement. This receiver works at both SRS 5.1 and DTS. Uni-directional subwoofer for surround sound, progressive-scan DVD player. Plays both AIFF and MP3/4 on either CDs or CDRs. I figured you'd be comfortable with this level of electronics. I mean, the guys at the store couldn't find the graphic equalisers with two hands and a flashlight.
Malcolm: You dragged me over here to hook up your stereo? Can't you get one of your friends to help you do this?
Craig: ... And tick off the other friends I didn't ask? Malcolm, this goes far beyond just a stereo. This is going to be the greatest entertainment center ever. Have you ever wanted to be the best at something? Not just good, I don't mean great, I mean the absolute best?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Craig: Well, I have. Ever since I was a kid watching Land of the Lost on my tiny black and white six inch. I knew there'd be a day, a day when I could create my high-def universe. A magical realm where fantasy and technology intersect on my every whim because I'm the King.
Malcolm: So your lifelong dream was to become the world's best TV watcher?
Craig: Yeah.
Malcolm: I'm in!

Craig: It turns out it was all a simple misunderstanding! [laughs] It's Larry who should've gotten the spin-off show, not the Ropers. Huh, Oliver? [chuckles]

Craig: Isn't this interesting? Once more, I'm the only person that can help you. I'm your best friend when you need someone to pick up your mail or sit on a suitcase, but when it's time for a barbecue, I have to watch from the car. I got to tell you, Hal, this beer is tasting mighty bitter. [drinks] I'll take another.
Hal: Are you going to help me or not?
Craig: I will help you. But one day - and that day may never come - I will ask you to perform a service for me. Actually, it'll be tomorrow. I'll be here about 10:00, and if it's nice, wear a bathing suit.

Craig: You kicked him out of the house?
Hal: Oh, please. He kicked himself out of the house, Craig. Look, I've been through this before with Reese and Francis. It never lasts long. When Reese was kicked out, he spent the night on the roof until he got into a fight with a pack of cats.
Craig: So that makes it okay that Malcolm spent the night sleeping on a booze-soaked mattress in some dark alley?
Hal: Craig.
Craig: Oh, my God! He's probably dead by now!
Hal: Malcolm can take care of himself.
Craig: You're right, you're right. He's a genius, which would make him even more attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and tries to surgically attach him to some animal?

Craig: This better be good. There'll be hell to pay if Jellybean wakes up from her massage and doesn't see me on the table next to her. [gasps] Oh, my God! Is that a Nortair?
Malcolm: It's a Nortair 680b. It's, like, the first personal computer ever made. You have an interest in this type of stuff, don't you?
Craig: There aren't many of these left. I'll give you five bucks for it.
Malcolm: Yeah, right. I checked online. This is in mint condition. It's worth at least $1,300.
Craig: Deal. No take-backs, double black magic, tap it, bomb it, flush it down the toilet. You understand it's going to take me a couple days to get the money.
Malcolm: That's exactly what I want. I want you to buy it this Saturday at our garage sale. In front of everybody. With cash. You're going to react in horror when I tell you Reese was going to throw this in the trash. And then you're going to tell everyone they should have listened to me all along.
Craig: You know, right now you're sounding a lot like a James Bond villain.
Malcolm: Me? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. And right. And right! And on Saturday, everyone's going to know it.
Craig: Okay, but these revenge plans have a way of backfiring. Word to the wise, if you ever make someone an Ex-Lax milkshake, don't do it on an empty stomach.

Craig: I'm cooperating! I never met this man before. I hate the Constitution. I hate free speech. I'll snitch. I know things!

Craig: Well, little man, you and I have quite the fun-filled weekend ahead of us. Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market. Then Lifetime is having an Intimate Portrait of Sandy Bullock. And tomorrow night, there's improv in the park with a political bent. Sound fun?

Craig: Knock, knock. Lois, I need to borrow a coat hanger. I dropped my sandwich underneath my car seat. [Lois groans] What's going on here?
Piama: Lois is in labor, and Hal's not here. [Lois whimpers]
Craig: I have dreamed of this moment! Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to carry you in my arms to my van. I have one of the three original sirens from Starsky and Hutch. I can make that trip in seven minutes flat.
Steve: You're talking crazy! There were only two sirens used in that entire series, and they're both in the Smithsonian.
Craig: Au contraire. There were four sirens.

Craig: Don't get too down about this probation thing. This job is mostly a beauty pageant.
Malcolm: You know what's weird? You get used to thinking of a person as being so much more powerful than you, then something shifts and it becomes kind of awkward.
Craig: Oh, my God, are you my boss now?!
Malcolm: What?
Craig: This is so unfair. Year after year, why can't... It's nice to see one of the good guys win. [chuckles] Why don't you take a load off. I'll go get you a cup of joe. No worries, chief.