Craig: Isn't this interesting? Once more, I'm the only person that can help you. I'm your best friend when you need someone to pick up your mail or sit on a suitcase, but when it's time for a barbecue, I have to watch from the car. I got to tell you, Hal, this beer is tasting mighty bitter. [drinks] I'll take another.
Hal: Are you going to help me or not?
Craig: I will help you. But one day - and that day may never come - I will ask you to perform a service for me. Actually, it'll be tomorrow. I'll be here about 10:00, and if it's nice, wear a bathing suit.

Lois: Okay, hold still.
Dewey: I don't think I want to be in this play. Now, I've been doing some reading, and this Lincoln person wasn't such a great guy. Did you know that the Emancipation Proclamation wasn't about slavery at all? It was strictly a political move.
Lois: Honey, you're just nervous 'cause you've never had a part with lines before. Or where you move.
Dewey: For the love of God! He suspended the writ of habeas corpus in Maryland!

Hal: All right, two scoops, fudge ripple. Now are we going to the comic book store?
Craig: [imitates Yoda] Patience, Luke. You are reckless.
Hal: We've gone to the beach, we've gone to the movies. I won you an animal at the church bazaar. We've gone out for coffee, lunch, Slushees, pie.
Craig: [normal voice] I can't negotiate unless I'm firing on all cylinders.
Hal: Just how many cylinders do you have?
Craig: Pull over.
Hal: No, you're right. I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
Craig: Pull over.
Hal: Craig, I am not pulling over.
Craig: Just let me out of the car.
Hal: Craig, I am not stopping this car. [Craig blows a whistle] All right, all right! Calm down.
Craig: You are going to have to learn how to get along without Craig Feldspar. My ducky. [toy squeaks]

Malcolm: You know, while I was ripping down all those flyers, I was racking my brain trying to come up with some way to get back at you. And I began to wonder. What's the point? No matter how hard I try, nothing ever stops you. Maybe you're just better at this than I am.
Reese: Well, yeah.
Malcolm: Then again, maybe we should ask your friends what they think.
Reese: What?
Malcolm: Your friends. These are friends, aren't they? You're always hanging out with them or near them anyway. Hey, do any of you know this kid's name? This kid right here. Do any of you know his name? [they shake their heads] But he's always following you around. You never noticed him before? So he's been sitting right next to you for months just pretending to be your friend? Wow. That's sad. Well, uh, his name's Reese. And guess what? I'm better than you. I win. It's over.

Francis: Hey, Otto, I think we have some vandals or something. There's more fences down, and this time some chickens were killed. It almost looks like they were stomped to death.
Ranch Hand: La vaca diablo ha regresado.
Otto: It was only the wind.
Francis: But the chickens look like they exploded.
Otto: Well, obviously, the broken fences flew to the other side of the ranch, hitting the chickens in a slamming motion and dragging them across the ground in a manner that closely resembles stomping. You see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for everything.
Ranch Hand: ¡La vaca diablo! Fue asi la vaca diablo!
Otto: Perfectly logical.
Francis: Was he saying "Devil cow"?
Otto: Ah, it is a silly legend. Many years ago, they say there was a cow who one day tasted human flesh and went bad. And now whenever the moon is red, she comes down from a mountain lair to drink the blood of the innocent.
Francis: You're talking about a cow.
Otto: Yeah, I know. Silly, isn't it?

Lois: Ugh! I should have told the doctor to sew fur and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only, animals would be easier 'cause then I could have you fixed.

[When Lois drops the roast beef while taking it out of the oven, it lands on dusty patch of the kitchen floor. Lois picks it up and puts it back on the baking tray. As she stands up, she sees Dewey watching her through the window.]
Dewey: Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side, and I didn't see a thing.
Lois: Deal.

Malcolm: That laptop is so sweet. I can't believe you're already upgrading it. Are you sure your dad will sell it to me for 300 bucks?
Stevie: Minus my... ten percent.
Malcolm: Six months of tutoring kids who won't even take off their football helmets. Once I get my birthday money, I'll have it.
Stevie: You keep... your money... in a book?
Malcolm: Yeah. It's the one place no one in my family will ever look.

Dewey: Is that for my costume?
Lois: What costume?
Dewey: The school play. I'm in the school play!
Lois: Oh, right. You're a tree?
Dewey: I'm Abraham Lincoln! I'm reciting the Gettysburg Address. Why do always do this to me?
Lois: Oh, calm down. I always pull it together, don't I? Remember that great Frankenstein costume I made that everybody loved?
Dewey: Yeah.
Lois: Can we use that again?

Francis: What? What happened?
Woman: It's horrible.
Francis: What, the rug?
Woman: That's no rug. It's an antelope.
Francis: Oh, my God! It's been completely flattened.
Man: Look. There's pieces in the tree.
Francis: What could have done something like this?
Otto: It- It was me.
Francis: You?
Otto: Yeah. On- On my moped. A- A terrible accident. It was dark. It jumped right in front of me. I had perhaps a few too many Cajun martinis. That should be a lesson to all of us, hey? [chuckles] Go get a shovel and some sawdust.