Reese: Remember, Dad, you're picking me up from school to take me to the DMV.
Hal: I wouldn't miss it, son. [quietly to Lois] Dear God, what are we gonna do?
Lois: What can we do? He hasn't done anything wrong.
Hal: Oh, please, it's Reese! We just haven't looked hard enough.
Lois: Hal, we're gonna have to face it, that kid is gonna be mobile.
Hal: Reese surrounded by six thousand pounds of steel and 20 gallons of explosive fuel?! It's like giving a shark a sub-machine gun!

Reese: Dad, you sent the check to the driving school, right?
Hal: Yes, Reese.
Reese: You're sure you signed it, right? It's not gonna bounce or anything?
Hal: Everything is fine, Reese. Just go there straight after school tomorrow.
Reese: You guys are the best! I promise when you're old and crazy, I'll drive to the home and visit you. [like talking to a child] Maybe we can go for a drive round the park. Would you like that?
Lois: I can't wait.

Craig: I lied because I needed your help. I finally got my insurance settlement. This receiver works at both SRS 5.1 and DTS. Uni-directional subwoofer for surround sound, progressive-scan DVD player. Plays both AIFF and MP3/4 on either CDs or CDRs. I figured you'd be comfortable with this level of electronics. I mean, the guys at the store couldn't find the graphic equalisers with two hands and a flashlight.
Malcolm: You dragged me over here to hook up your stereo? Can't you get one of your friends to help you do this?
Craig: ... And tick off the other friends I didn't ask? Malcolm, this goes far beyond just a stereo. This is going to be the greatest entertainment center ever. Have you ever wanted to be the best at something? Not just good, I don't mean great, I mean the absolute best?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Craig: Well, I have. Ever since I was a kid watching Land of the Lost on my tiny black and white six inch. I knew there'd be a day, a day when I could create my high-def universe. A magical realm where fantasy and technology intersect on my every whim because I'm the King.
Malcolm: So your lifelong dream was to become the world's best TV watcher?
Craig: Yeah.
Malcolm: I'm in!

Lois: Just get him on the phone and let me handle this. I'm the only one who knows how.
Police Officer: Trust me, we have it under control.
Lois: Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen! You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is gonna get killed in a hail of gunfure.
Police Officer: Ma'am, that almost never happens.
Lois: Just get him on the phone!

Jackie: Reese, that was amazing!
Reese: [gets out of the car] Listen, when the kids at school ask you about this, tell them I got under your bra. [Reese is tackled by police officers]

Reese: Awesome dinner, Mom! Those are the best fish sticks I've ever had! Seriously, I don't know how you do it.
Lois: The microwave.
Reese: But for the perfect amount of time. Well, I'd better clear my plate and get started my homework.
Malcolm: [to camera] At first, I thought he was sick, but tomorrow he's old enough to get his learner's permit. He's on his best behavior until after he passes the test.
Reese: Can I get anyone a nice cup of peppermint tea? Helps digestion.
Malcolm: [to camera] Mom and Dad have been looking for any excuse to ground him, but he hasn't screwed up once in, like, three weeks. It's actually getting kinda boring.
[Reese screams as Dewey stabs his leg with a fork. As Reese goes to punch Dewey, Hal and Lois turn around. Reese instead strokes his brother's hair.]
Dewey: Didn't think so.

Reese: I've been waiting for this my whole life! Once I'm driving, everything changes. All I have to do is stay out of trouble for the next 16 hours and I'm home free!
[Malcolm has tied Reese to his bed]
Malcolm: How's that?
Reese: A little tighter on this side.
Malcolm: OK, you're all set.
Reese: Now, remember, do not untie me until the morning, no matter what I say or how much I beg.
Malcolm: Got it.
Reese: Uh-oh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Malcolm: Too bad.
Reese: Just testing. Thanks, buddy.

[After Dewey finishes filling a sack of toys, he climbs on top of the bed that Reese is tied to:]
Dewey: Hi.
Reese: Dewey, I am warning you, if you even touch me, you can forget about me driving you anywhere for the rest of your life!
Dewey: I have nowhere to go.

Reese: I did it, I did it.
Malcolm: You passed the test?
Reese: I aced it!
Lois: You got five wrong.
Reese: Yeah, but I got eleven right. And that's good enough for my learner's permit. Man, if the DMV was running my school, I'd be, like, a C student!

Lois: Just let me talk to him and I can end this in five minutes!
Police Officer: I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea. We have trained psychologists to handle kids in these situations. We know how they think.
Lois: Think?! My son doesn't think! He's just driving around in circles. He's made three laps around the city already!
Hal: There's our dry-cleaner again.