Craig: You kicked him out of the house?
Hal: Oh, please. He kicked himself out of the house, Craig. Look, I've been through this before with Reese and Francis. It never lasts long. When Reese was kicked out, he spent the night on the roof until he got into a fight with a pack of cats.
Craig: So that makes it okay that Malcolm spent the night sleeping on a booze-soaked mattress in some dark alley?
Hal: Craig.
Craig: Oh, my God! He's probably dead by now!
Hal: Malcolm can take care of himself.
Craig: You're right, you're right. He's a genius, which would make him even more attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and tries to surgically attach him to some animal?

Reese: This moment has been a long time coming. The fruit of over two hours of planning and labor.

Gretchen: [sings] That's the night that the lights went out In Georgia That's the night that they hung an innocent man Well, don't trust your soul To no backwoods Southern lawyer 'Cause the judge in the town's Got bloodstains on his hands Bloody, bloody hands.

Hal: Yes! I win! I win! I finally beat you in a video game. In your face, Malcolm. In your face.
Malcolm: Dad, Dad...
Hal: Yes!
Malcolm: The goal of Video Golf is to get the fewest points.
Hal: Oh. Nice game.

Craig: Okay, I'm going to do a load of colors, then a load of whites, so if you have any clothes in your room you want- [clothes are thrown at Craig]
Malcolm: [to camera] Craig's been over here every day helping out with the chores since Mom went to her sister's. It was two weeks before we figured out nobody asked him. So Dad's in charge.

Otto: Willy will be staying with us until his work visa gets straightened out.
Gretchen: Until then we will get to hear his wonderful playing every day, no? Otto, let's get our sheet music. We can do our duet of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
Otto: Ja. It is not so much a song as it is a lovers' conversation.

Dewey: How come she's allowed to be naked on the kitchen table, and I'm not?
Reese: Dewey, if a cop tells you to do something, you do it.
Hal: [gasps] What are you boys doing? I told you to go to bed hours ago.
Reese: Actually, Dad, your exact words were just, "Go to bed." You didn't say, "Go to bed now." If you leave us a loophole like that, I don't see how this could be our fault.

Hal: Oh, my God, he's been gone for over a day. Where the hell is he?!
Craig: Keep it down! The neighbors don't have to know our business.

Dewey: How can you be smiling right now?
Reese: Because I just realized we have a free pass.
Dewey: What do you mean?
Reese: Can't you see how guilty Dad feels? He's not going to punish anybody else for a while. We're bulletproof.
Dewey: What are you going to do?
Reese: I'm not sure yet. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It's got to be perfect and huge. I want this to be a statement about everything I stand for.

Francis: Okay, I don't know what happened...
Otto: I know what happened. You have been riding those horses too much.
Gretchen: We have an ointment, Francis. You put it on your leistengegend, and it will be as good as new.
Otto: It's good stuff, Francis. It's tingly.
Gretchen: Ja.