Lois: Because every time you come in contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
Craig: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lois: Come on, if it weren't for us, you'd still have all your teeth. You wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan. Your car, it never would have been filled with bees.
Craig: Coincidences.
Lois: Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.
Craig: Please, Lois, it's Christmas.
Lois: Here. Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.
Craig: Thank you. [opens box] Ow! [a squirrel runs out of the box]
Lois: Oh! Well, I wish I could say I was surprised.

Craig: Oh, Lois, thank God. Fred asked me to scrub out the Dumpsters tonight, but Paula wants to work on her short iron, so I had to schedule an emergency lesson with the golf pro. The guy charges, like, 90 bucks an hour. It's really eating away at my savings, but I guess I have no one to blame but myself, and, oh, my God, you know about the affair. Damn it! Damn it! You do know, right?
Lois: Yes, I know.
Craig: Damn it!
Lois: Craig, how could you lie to me after all I've done for you? I let you sleep on our floor when you though your cat's ghost was trying to kill you. I settled that feud between you and the Girl Scout troop.
Craig: They started it.

Craig: Hey, Malcolm.
Malcolm: At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?
Craig: Twenty-two. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the heck out of every moment. Take tonight. You're in for a real treat. There's a different rhythm to the night shift. It's a camaraderie, a brotherhood of kindred souls, a nocturnal fraternity of the prowlers of the inky netherworld. Hello, fellow traveler.
Customer: Where's the toothpaste?
Craig: I'm on a break.

Craig: I've read that the Chinese invented stilts so they could survive among Panda bears. Of course, that was before they built the Great Wall. After that, only the Emperor was allowed to walk on them.

Joe: I just want to thank Hattie for organizing this meeting. I think it's about time the people who really do the work around here start standing up for ourselves. I for one, am sick of no overtime, no job security-
Craig: Excuse me, Joe, I just want to say that Mr. Cochran makes a lot more money than us. And I strongly feel that on that basis alone, he should be trusted.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Craig. You know what really bothers me? When I see Mr. Cochran parking his car out front every morning and we've got to park nine blocks away.
Craig: They let us use the shuttle to get to our cars.
Lois: That's the city bus, Craig.
Craig: I appreciate all the anger that's in this room, and God knows I'm not one to shy away from a fight, but I suggest that instead of starting a union, we form a special committee to maybe paint Mr. Cochran's house so he'll want to be nice to us. [murmurs of disagreement]
Shelly: Sit down and shut up, Feldspar.
Lois: You know what? I've worked here for almost ten years. I have never felt we needed a union, but when I think about what this place has done to some of us, how it's made us so afraid to even voice our opinions, then I think maybe we do. [applause]
Craig: Okay, but let the record show that I advocated a policy of cowardice and appeasement.

Malcolm: So, Craig, did you tell my mom that you couldn't cover her shift for her Friday night?
Craig: Oh, I think I did far better than that.
Malcolm: Huh?
Craig: Patience, my friend. My trap is about to spring.
Lois: [to a customer] This stupid pen doesn't work.
Craig: [laughs] I was up all night scribbling with it. Watch her face as her whole world comes crumbling down. [Lois pulls out another pen] Okay, I didn't see that coming. But who would?
Malcolm: That's it? That's what you did to get back at her?
Craig: Relax, Malcolm. That is just the first course in my tasty menu of revenge. Huh, that was supposed to stick. Don't worry, her finger sponge is as dry as a bone. [maniacal laugh]

Craig: This is it, the open road. A great new chapter's about to be written, a new legend about to be born. Will I travel from town to town solving crimes like Knightrider, or administer frontier justice like the guy from Kung Fu? I guess we'll just have to see. Okay, America, get ready to meet Craig Feldspar.
Lois: Craig, wait!
[Craig screams as a herd of cows stampede towards him]
Lois: Oh, my God!
Malcolm: Craig, are you all right?! Craig, Craig!
Craig: Kit, is that you? [coughs]

Craig: Because for the last 12 years, I've dedicated my life to a relationship that can't exist. I can't go back to that.
Lois: Craig, what do you want from me?!
Craig: I want more!
Lois: I'm sorry. I can't give you more. You know that.
Craig: There's got to be something. There's got to be some scenario where you could see us together. Please?! Anything!
Lois: ... Okay, this is the only universe this could possibly exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching myself on fire. There's no money for a nurse, the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep 22 hours a day. Then and only then - maybe - could we be together.
Craig: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

Craig: [to Reese] This is as good a time as any to talk about it. I do have a private life. I'll keep it confined to my own room, but you should probably know my safe word.

Craig: Happy anniversary. 16 wonderful years to the same man. That Hal is one lucky hombre.
Lois: You shouldn't have.
Craig: Oh, please. A special gift for a special lady on a special day.
Lois: No. I mean, really, you shouldn't have. Aren't only husbands supposed to give gifts?
Craig: Fine. Throw it in the trash, then.
Lois: Ho-ho-hold on. Let's see what it is first. Oh, look at- I've been meaning to try this color.
Craig: I know. I saw you eyeing it a couple weeks ago.
Lois: I didn't know we carried this brand.
Craig: We don't.
Lois: So where did you see me-
Craig: So, big plans for tonight? What are you going to be wearing? [chuckles]