Fran: When your milk duct is blocked, it's called mastitis. It's important that you let your baby suck the obstruction out of the breast, and don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up a cottage cheese-type substance. Now, join me over here...
Dewey: Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.
Reese: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?
Malcolm: Reese, that's what they're for.
Reese: My God! Women are the cows of people!

Reese: We are the worst kids in the world. Mom was right.
Dewey: We really are evil little trolls who have absolutely no consideration for anything but ourselves, and destroy everything we come in contact with, and we're lucky if we don't end up in prison or dead.

Craig: Knock, knock. Lois, I need to borrow a coat hanger. I dropped my sandwich underneath my car seat. [Lois groans] What's going on here?
Piama: Lois is in labor, and Hal's not here. [Lois whimpers]
Craig: I have dreamed of this moment! Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to carry you in my arms to my van. I have one of the three original sirens from Starsky and Hutch. I can make that trip in seven minutes flat.
Steve: You're talking crazy! There were only two sirens used in that entire series, and they're both in the Smithsonian.
Craig: Au contraire. There were four sirens.

Steve: They say that childbirth is the most painful thing a person can go through.
Ida: With a little light pancake, you could pass. You don't have to hang out with the other ones, you know.
Steve: Okay, you know what? See, here's the thing, lady. We're better than you. Every one of us in every way. I'm smarter than you, more educated, and I contribute more to society. I have a family that loves me. I live in a big house, drive a nice car and make more money in a year than you've probably made your whole lifetime.
Ida: Big deal. So you're a drug dealer.
Steve: Booga-booga!
Ida: [shrieks]

Lois: Oh, I can't believe she's here. I can't believe my sister picked now to have a fight with her. I can't believe I'm actually going to have to move into the boys' room.
Piama: Calm down. Does your sister know your mom is dying?
Lois: What are you talking about?
Piama: Does your sister know your mother has a fatal disease that she's been hiding and this might be her last chance to make peace? [holds telephone] With her mother. Who's dying.

Abe: Well, is it a boy or a girl?
Trey: [o.s.] It's a beautiful, healthy baby... [siren blares]
All: Aw.
Abe: I knew it!

Lois: Oh, I've forgotten how small they are.
Hal: I forgot how good they smell.
Lois: Yeah.
Reese: Okay, hand it over.
Malcolm: It's 5:30. It's time for the baby's sponge bath.
Dewey: Look how full this diaper is. When was the last time you changed it?
Malcolm: Have you at least come up with a name yet?
Lois: Yes. Jamie.
Dewey: It fits.
Reese: We'll come back when your udders are ready.

Francis: Just relax, Mom. The paramedics will be here soon and they'll know what to do.
Craig: Don't worry, Lois, I just Googled the word "baby." Here we go. 28 million matches. There ought to be something useful in there.

Craig: Hey, hey, I found something! There's been a slight increase in the incidence of babies born with a tail. I wonder if that makes it easier to tell when they're happy?

Lois: We can't wait for Hal anymore. We've got to go to the hospital now!
Ida: You really think you're ever going to see your husband again?
Lois: Mom!
Ida: He's a man, isn't he? He's had his way with you. What's he need to stick around for?
Francis: Look, if you're not going to have the decency to choke on the fumes of your own bile, can you at least take your poison over to Aunt Susan's?
Ida: Did she ask me to come? Did she call you?
Francis: No.
Ida: No, of course not. She only wants to see me suffer. Can you imagine how she's laughing at me, knowing that now I'm stuck with you as my favorite.