Craig: It turns out it was all a simple misunderstanding! [laughs] It's Larry who should've gotten the spin-off show, not the Ropers. Huh, Oliver? [chuckles]

Man: [on TV] "In order to break free of Earth's atmosphere, a rocket ship must attain speeds of upwards of 25,000mph."
Reese: Bull! If they went that fast they would just be squashed to the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!
Malcolm: You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it when you first start going faster, but once you're up to speed, you don't even notice. I mean, right now we're on a planet that's spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. And that's just rotational velocity, we're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 mph. And then, the whole solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies 'cause the universe is expanding.
[Reese holds on tightly to the couch]
Dewey: Wee-ee-ee-ee!

Reese: And then, after the award ceremony, they gave me a tour of the police station. Did you know the mirrors in the interrogation room are two-way? It's good thing they didn't have that before.

Francis: Why are you so scared to leave?
Piama: I don't know! Francis, I've been on this reservation my whole life. I don't know anything else. I'm just a hick. I'm not like you! I can't just pick up and start a new life whenever I need to. I'm not as brave as you, OK?
Francis: Brave?! [laughs] I'm not brave. I just didn't know any better.
Piama: What?
Francis: If I had had any idea of how horrible it was up here, I never would've come. And I never would have met you. I'm not brave. I'm just stupid and lucky. And you're with me now so my stupid luck will take care of you. Hopefully one-fifteenth of a share will pay off our fine and maybe buy us a bus ticket. Oh, my God!
Piama: What? [Francis shows her the check] Oh, my God!
Francis: That's more than I made all last year! See, this is what I'm talking about!
Piama: Oh! [they hug]

Dewey: What would've happened if Reese didn't knock him out?
Malcolm: He would've seen our TV and stereo and known he'd made a terrible mistake. Now, let go of my arm.

Lois: He came through the window right in front of us! I can't explain it. It was like... It was like we were paralyzed. And then my son Reese came in swinging this bat. He saved us all!
Hal: Yeah, it's a good thing Reese got to him before I did.
Police Officer: And, er, where were you, sir?
Hal: I was in bed. Actually, trapped in bed. You see, my wife insists on tucking in the corners. I mean, really tucking them in!

Reese: I saw his head in the moonlight. It looked like a big, fat pitch sitting over the plate.
Police Officer: If only there were a lot more kids like you, our streets would be a lot safer.
Reese: Thanks.
Police Officer: You look familiar. Did you ever participate in our ride-along program?
Reese: Sorta.

Hal: It's like being in a straitjacket! You twist, and twist, and you can't shake the damn sheets loose!
Police Officer: Well, the important thing is we caught him.
Hal: You know what, why don't I show you. Let me show you. Follow me to the bedroom and I'll tuck you in.
Police Officer: Sir! You don't tuck in police officers.

Reese: Mom, Dad, this whole thing has got me thinking. I mean, usually those cops are throwing me in the back of their squad cars. But today they were all clapping for me.
Lois: Well, you're a real hero.
Reese: And it was really cool, you know. Protecting you guys. Saving your lives.
Hal: Thanks again.
Reese: And it's made me realize for the first time in my life I know what my purpose is. I think I've found my calling. Mom, Dad... I wanna be a pig.

Malcolm: Go to sleep!
Dewey: I'm still scared. Read me a story. Please?
Malcolm: I've already read you every book in this place.
Dewey: Please?
Malcolm: "Aardvark, a burrowing mammal of Southern Africa." [time lapse] "Myocardium, the muscle tissue of the heart."
[As Malcolm realizes Dewey is asleep, he gently slides the dictionary back onto the shelf and goes to turn off the lamp.]
Dewey: [wakes up and screams]
Malcolm: It's alright! It's alright! It was just me turning off the light.
Hal: [storms in] Where are ya? [crashing] I knew you'd be back! Come on, you son of a-! [crashing] [Dewey whimpers] Sorry. Go back to sleep. [sighs]
[Malcolm flicks the lamp back on and grabs the dictionary again]