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‘Reese's Party’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Malcolm in the Middle: Reese's Party

418. Reese's Party

Aired April 27, 2003

When Lois and Hal try to get away for one last romantic weekend before the baby is born, Reese decides to throw a house party.

Quote from Reese

Reese: I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already committed to this party.
Malcolm: Reese, you've seen enough teenage movies to know how badly this is going to turn out.
Reese: I haven't just seen them, I've studied them. And I found the fatal flaw. In very one of those movies, the party was on a Saturday night. Mine? Friday. This gives me an extra day to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing, turn back the odometer, and get the dead bodies back in the ground.
Malcolm: Please don't do this to me.
Reese: Tell you what, Malcolm. I'll try and keep the front room closet off limits as long as I can.

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Quote from Craig

Craig: Well, little man, you and I have quite the fun-filled weekend ahead of us. Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market. Then Lifetime is having an Intimate Portrait of Sandy Bullock. And tomorrow night, there's improv in the park with a political bent. Sound fun?

Quote from Hal

Lois: Hal, you sat with an ice pack on your crotch for three days.
Hal: Well, that should count for something.
Lois: Hal, we talked about this. We agreed on this.
Hal: No, you agreed on it! I never wanted a vasectomy. There are plenty of other methods out there.
Lois: Oh, yeah, they work. We've got our rhythm method child, our diaphragm child, our condom child. Oh, yes, and our two abstinence children.
Hal: Lois, you just don't understand how extraordinarily precious those parts are to me.
Lois: Precious?! Hal, give me a break. You're not that guy. You've never been that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

Quote from Hal

Lois: We're only going to be gone for two days. We're going to have at least one weekend before this baby's born where we get some peace and quiet.
Reese: Without us?
Hal: You know the plan?
Craig: As soon as you leave, I put Reese on a bus to his grandma in Canada. After school, I take Malcolm over to Stevie's. And Dewey stays with me. Looks like you're the lucky winner.
Dewey: Uh-huh. Why are you splitting us up?
Hal: Because this is the only way the judge would let us leave town.

Quote from Craig

Dewey: I think I just want to play.
Craig: Play? Well, sure, we could squeeze in some play, I guess. Why don't you go ahead and get that started?
Dewey: No, I mean play together.
Craig: What do you mean?
Dewey: We can play fort.
Craig: Ooh, I don't have Fort. I have Clue, but it's a collector's edition, unopened. If you want, I can show you a picture of it.
Dewey: No. You don't have to "have fort". You just do it. Didn't you ever play fort with your friends when you were a kid?
Craig: Of course I played. I had friends, plenty of friends. And you're short.
Dewey: Come on. I'll show you.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: I knew it! I knew if I came back I'd catch you here. You can't be trusted for five seconds, let alone a whole weekend.
Reese: Okay, look, just don't tell- Wait a minute. What are you doing here?
Malcolm: Me? I'm here to guard the house from your bad things you're doing.
Reese: What's in the bag? Candles... chocolate-covered strawberries... Sleepless in Seattle. My God, you're gay.
Malcolm: No, I'm not. Look, I don't know how I did it, but I talked Kathy McCulskey into coming over tonight.
Reese: Kathy McCulskey? I'm impressed. She doesn't leave her house for anything less than second base.
Malcolm: Which is exactly why we need the house to ourselves.

Quote from Hal

Hal: And that is not the worst part of the operation. Once they split open your coin purse, they pull out the vas deferens, put it on the table... and chop! And they don't always get it on the first chop, either. Chop, chop, chop! Can I get you guys another drink?
Man: Set us up, will you?

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] It's been three hours since these guys took over our house. So far, there's been a few fires, I've had a bottle thrown at me and I've even been threatened with death. On the other hand, they haven't stopped raving about Reese's bean dip. So the evening could go either way.
Reese: Did Fast Eddie like his salmon?
Donnie: In about an hour I'm gonna need you guys to dump a 50-gallon drum of... stuff.
Do it quick, don't draw attention to yourselves, and don't breathe in when you're doing it.
Malcolm: Look, it's one thing to ask us to stay out of your business, but when you try to involve us- [Donnie advances towards Malcolm] Okay.
Reese: Hey, Donnie, the souffles are almost up.

Quote from Reese

Reese: I think it's a party again.
Malcolm: Are you kidding me? This is a hostage situation.
Reese: No.
Malcolm: Reese, haven't you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? You're starting to identify with your captors.
Reese: What captors? These guys saved my life, man.
Malcolm: Because they decided not to kill you.
Reese: Same thing.
Malcolm: They made us accessories to some kind of felony. They're setting up a decontamination shower In front of the garage. And poor Kathy must have been completely traumatized. Where'd she go anyway? [Kathy kisses one of the guys] I'm never going to forgive myself for dragging her into this. We have to do something.
Reese: You've got to relax, Malcolm. Some of these guys are really nice. Have you had Big Wanda tell you your fortune?
Malcolm: Look, we can't handle this ourselves. We don't know how to deal with a whole bunch of low-life criminals. We need help.

Quote from Francis

Francis: So listen, this is my parents' house. These are my brothers. I know you didn't know that, but when you and your buddies took over the place, you kind of freaked them out a little bit. So, maybe you want to take this someplace else.
Donnie: Yeah, you know what? That just sounds like it's going to be hard, so no.
Francis: Hey, look, dude I know you don't want me to get the cops over here, do you? And I'm sure you wouldn't want me to tell them who pulled over the water tower.
Donnie: That was you, Francis.
Francis: Really? Well, then maybe I should tell them about the highway overpass.
Donnie: That was also you.
Francis: Car wash? The sinkhole?
Donnie: All you.
Francis: Huh. Um, okay, well, you guys sit tight and we'll be in the house. If that's okay. [Donnie closes the door] Well, I think we gave 'em enough to think about.

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