Ross: So, welcome.
Mike: I got beer.
Ross: I got bottled breast milk.
Mike: Why don't we start with the beer.

Phoebe: What are we gonna do?
Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy but we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.

Mike: Oh, she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here.

Mike: All right. That was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I Touch Myself".

Monica: She's asleep.
Chandler: She's asleep. That means we can-
Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast.
Chandler: Oh, okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise.
Monica: Okay, I'll try.

Mike: I'm gonna go.
Phoebe: Why?
Mike: I haven't been home in a few days, and I need to get more clothes.
Phoebe: You don't have to go. I have something that'll fit you.
Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.

Phoebe: I want you to stay.
Mike: I want to stay too. But I've got as much use out of these boxers as I can.
Phoebe: Why don't you turn them in-
Mike: Done it.

Mike: No, no, what I mean is I hate going back to my apartment now. Partly because I live above a known crack den but, you know, mostly because when I'm there, I really miss you.

Ross: I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here.
Mike: You kidding? We wouldn't have missed it.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Mike: Oh. I'm back.

Monica: My point.
Mike: Oh, no, I don't think so. According to standard table tennis rules: If at any time a player uses his nonracket-bearing hand to touch the playing surface, he or she forfeits the point.
Phoebe: He was a lawyer.