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‘The One with the Pediatrician’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Pediatrician

903. The One with the Pediatrician

Aired October 10, 2002

Rachel searches for another pediatrician after her endless worries led their original doctor to "fire" them. After agreeing to move to Tulsa with Chandler, Monica is offered her dream job in New York. Meanwhile, Phoebe and Joey agree to set each other up on blind dates.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Monica: Oh. Maybe he was getting him confused him with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: Uh-huh. He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.
Rachel: Wow, what was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.

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Quote from Ross

Chandler: Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your tushy?
Ross: Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college.
Chandler: That was not a security blanket. That was a wall hanging.
Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!

Quote from Ross

Ross: But I gotta get up early, and I'm not feeling well.
Rachel: You're not feeling well? What do you have? Is it rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.
Ross: You know, come to think of it, it does feel rubella-like.

Quote from Ross

Dr. Gettelman: I think you just have a cold. It's definitely not strep.
Ross: Thanks, doctor.
Dr. Gettelman: Would you like a lollipop?
Ross: Do you even have to ask? [seeing Rachel] He is alive!

Quote from Ross

Nurse: Rossie? We're ready for you.
Ross: Um, yeah. Come on, Ross Jr. It's time to go in.
Boy: Mommy.
Girl: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?
Ross: Hey, I helped you find Waldo!

Quote from Mike

Mike: Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer. Apparently, I'm not a funny guy.

Quote from Monica

Ross: So, what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for?
Chandler: Okay. Our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa. So as of Monday, I'm being officially relocated.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Monday?
Joey: How long do you have to go for?
Chandler: Well, they said it could be up to a year.
Ross: A year?
Rachel: Well, do you have to go?
Monica: Well, I kind of have to, don't I? Because of this stupid thing.
Chandler: There's nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?

Quote from Ross

Ross: You can't go. I mean, you're the glue that holds this group together.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Not you.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.
Phoebe: I call their apartment!
All: No!

Quote from Joey

Rachel: You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.
Ross: I went through this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.
Rachel: Yeah. Just to be sure, I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.
[Joey chuckles]
Rachel: Every time?
Joey: Uh-huh.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Rach, you don't have to call him whenever you have a little question, okay? Trust me. I know this.
Rachel: All right. I trust you.
Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing. I don't understand why-
Rachel: Ssh. I'm on the phone!

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: All right, let's see. You know who's great? Sandy Poopack.
Joey: [laughing] "Poopack"?
Phoebe: Yeah. All right. Well, that rules out Lana Titwyler.
[Joey laughs]

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, I've got good news.
Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
Chandler: Okay, I have news.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: My boss and I worked out a deal where I'm in Tulsa four days a week. So the other three, I can be here with you.
Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? No.
Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?
Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not going to live in a different state than you for ... 208 days out of the year.
Chandler: That's fast math. We could use you in Tulsa.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I want to go with you.
Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging.
Monica: I know!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Well, excuse me? Oh, yeah? Well, up yours too!
Ross: Who the hell was that?
Rachel: Dr. Wiener.
Ross: Rach, you can't call people at 3:00 in the morning.
Rachel: You know what? You sound just like his wife.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Oh, wait. Wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up you really liked your doctor. What was his name?
Ross: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah, no, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I think he's dead.
Rachel: Ugh. Why does everything happen to me?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: [in a squeaky voice] Wiener! Wiener! Wiener! Wiener!
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: Great. Now he's gonna know it was me.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: And you'll love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny and I can't tell you how I know this, but she is not opposed to threesomes.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: So tell me something about my guy.
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Come on, give me something. What's his name?
Joey: Mike.
Phoebe: Mike. Okay, what's his last name?
Joey: Damn it! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore?!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Why'd I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike. Why couldn't I have said..? There's no guys in there.

Quote from Joey

Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship so I guess I should be open to taking some risks.
Joey: Everything's going to be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Attaboy.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other, anyway?
Mike: How do Joey and I know each other? Boy, if I had a nickel for every time somebody's asked me that.
Joey: From school.
Mike: Yeah, we met in college. [Joey shakes his head] I mean high school.
Phoebe: Wow. You guys go way back, then. So, what are you up to these days?
Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.
Joey: Mike, attorney at law.
Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.
Joey: What? That's the kind of thing you usually run by me.

Quote from Joey

Mike: Well, I always wanted to play piano professionally and I figured if I don't do this, I never will.
Phoebe: Wow, that's great. I like that better than the lawyer thing.
Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer.
Joey: No. No, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
Monica: Aw. That's so sweet. Did you find anything?
Chandler: Slim Pickins.
Monica: Nothing, huh?
Chandler: No. Slim Pickins. It's a barbecue joint. They're looking for a cook. Actually, "cook" may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for somebody to shovel mesquite.
Monica: "Slim Pickins"? That is so cheesy.
Chandler: Well, So Cheesy also has an opening.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Can I say how much I appreciate you coming with me? When we get to Tulsa, I am taking you for a great dinner at Slim Pickins. So Cheesy? Whole Hog? It's gonna be tough to keep kosher in Tulsa.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hi, Nancy? Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Yeah, well, my husband's been relocated. Because I love him. No, I don't want a job in New York. Javu's looking? Oh, my God! He asked for me personally? Oh, my God! Oh. Wow, this is really, really flattering. But I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah. So, just, if you would tell Javu I'll take it.

Quote from Joey

Mary Ellen: Well, wait. Is your mom okay?
Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation.
Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on "Days of Our Lives".
Mike: "Days of Our Lives"! That's why you look so familiar.
Phoebe: What?
Mike: What?
Joey: What?!

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Let me ask you something: Mike, let me ask you something: how many sisters does Joey have?
Mike: Six.
Joey: What are you doing? I said seven. Oh!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman?
Ross: He is a brilliant diagnostician.
Chandler: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?

Quote from Mike

Phoebe: Well, why did you go along with that?
Mike: Because I was told that I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl, which I did.
Phoebe: That's true.

Quote from Ross

Girl: Mommy, I can't find Waldo.
Ross: What, the circus? He's behind the elephant.
Sally: Wow. So your child's a big fan of the Waldo books too?
Ross: Yeah, that's how I know.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: What's the matter, Joe?
Joey: I'm mad at you for leaving. You know, you're nothing but a big leaver. A big leaver with a stupid suitcase.
Chandler: Any chance you're trying to pick a fight to make all of this easier?
Joey: Aw, dude, you see right through me!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Don't worry. I'll be back before you know it. Yes, it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise.
Joey: You double promise? Call me when you land.
Monica: Can I talk now?
Joey: Okay, bye.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: He had to board.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are going to push their penis against your knee?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: I know what she's talking about.


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