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‘The One with the Sharks’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Sharks

904. The One with the Sharks

Aired October 17, 2002

When Monica pays a surprise visit to Chandler in Tulsa, she's the one who is shocked after she walks in on him pleasuring himself. Meanwhile, Ross freaks Phoebe out when he claims she's never been in a long-term relationship, and Joey thinks he's already slept with the woman he's dating.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You know what, honey? Guys are just different. They like things that we can't understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archaeologist, and I was this naughty cavewoman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica: Ew. Are you talking about my brother?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't disguise that very well, did I?

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Quote from Phoebe

Ross: You're so much better off. You just go from guy to guy having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
Phoebe: I wouldn't say "never." You know, there is that guy. Okay, well, what about..? Okay, well's there's gotta be someone.
Ross: There isn't. That's what I'm saying.
Phoebe: Oh, my God, you're right.
Ross: I know. And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date.
Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before. I'm in my 30s, and I've never been in a long-term relationship. Oh, my God, what's wrong with me?
Ross: There's nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe: I want to get married.
Ross: No, please- Please don't cry because of me. Pheebs, I don't know what I'm talking about, okay? I've been divorced three times.
Phoebe: Well, at least you've been married. Oh, my God. I want to trade lives with Ross?!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Look, I don't normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: Pah.
Joey: Gesundheit. But-
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: Really? Great. Did l- Did I actually ask you?
Hayley: Oh, that's just where you were going. I figured I'd help you out. You don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?
Gunther: Pah!
Joey: Seriously, Gunther. You should see someone about that cold. If it gets much worse, you could die.

Quote from Joey

Joey: [inner monologue] So this is going pretty good. Dinner was nice. We've got a lot in common. Ooh, Victoria's Secret. We even like the same books. Ooh, there's a scary painting. Wait a minute. I think I've been scared by that painting before. You know what? This whole place looks familiar. I have definitely been in this apartment. I know I've seen this weird plant before. Ow! It did that the last time! Oh, my God. I've gone out with this girl before. Yeah. We had sex on this couch. And then on that chair, and- No. No, we didn't do it here, which is weird, because it seems like a perfectly good place. Ow! That's why.

Quote from Ross

Mike: Is that true what you said? Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross: Of course she has. If she's never had a serious relationship, do you think I'd go around broadcasting it like some kind of unstoppable moron?
Mike: But you did say it.
Ross: Yes. Yes, I did. And I will also say, what I'm about to say, vis-a-vis, the following. Phoebe has never had a serious relationship ... since ... her super-serious relationship with ... Vikram.
Mike: Vikram?
Ross: What? That's a real name.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Quick thing. I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe: What? What did you-? What did you do, Ross?
Ross: Oh, boy. You got mad at that part. I went over there, you know, to tell him how- Oh, how great you are. But- Well, you know me. Blah-blah-blah. And I ended up telling him that-
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Um. You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: And I said, "Okay, Vikram you can't just call every time you get lonely. You gave up that right when you slept with Rachel."
Mike: Wait. Rachel? I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah, well- Yeah. You know, but Emma's birth certificate might say "Geller" but her eyes say "Mukherjee."
Mike: That is so wrong. And on top of that, he's a glue sniffer?
Phoebe: I know. But he calls, and my heart goes to him. You know, that bastard is one smooth-talking freelance kite designer.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel: Ugh. That couldn't have been pretty. But you know, guys do that.
Monica: Yeah, well? The weird part is he was getting off to a shark-attack show.
Rachel: No.
Monica: Yes. Chandler watches shark porn!

Quote from Ross

Ross: [in an Indian accent] This is Vikram.

Quote from Mike

Mike: I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: So, all right, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Okay? I haven't had a real boyfriend. You know, if he can't handle it, then he can leave. Which he will.
And, you know, that's okay. So I'll just be alone forever. You know, all right. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I'll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: You know, I really admire your whole dating attitude. It's so healthy. I'm always like, "Is this moving too fast? Is this moving too slow? Where's this going?"
Phoebe: Yeah. I know. You are a bit of a drama queen.

Quote from Ross

Mike: Phoebe. What's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing. I'm excited about our date. Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike-
Ross: Sorry, I didn't catch that.
Mike: It's Mike Hanigan.
Ross: Oh. Ross Geller.
Mike: Hey. So are you sure you're ready to go?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. How do I look?
Ross: Do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: You look great.

Quote from Monica

Joey: Have you talked to Chandler?
Monica: Yeah. He has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
Joey: How come?
Monica: I don't know. He has to work. There's some big rush on the- Uh... Damn it. One of these days, I'm gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hot? Not hot? Hot!
Hayley: Excuse me? I said that I think that you're hot. And now I'm embarrassed.
Hayley: Oh. I thought you said "hi."
Joey: That would've been better.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Now I feel terrible. This is all my fault.
Phoebe: You know what you should feel terrible about? This could have been my serious guy.
He was sweet and smart and funny. You know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross: We are a rare breed.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, Mike. Sorry to just drop by like this. Can I come in?
Mike: Sure. Who are you?
Ross: I'm Ross. Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse? Yeah, I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike: Unless- You're not gonna try and get me to join a cult, are you?
Ross: No.
Mike: No, it's just, you know, you have that look.
Ross: Damn Supercuts!

Quote from Monica

Chandler: While watching sharks?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Are you sure that's what he was doing?
Monica: You know how many times I've seen him jump up like that? Believe me, I know what he was doing.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Man. Sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. You promised to love him no matter what.
Monica: "What" means, like, if he gets a disease or kills someone. Not if he gets his jollies to "Jaws."

Quote from Rachel

Joey: I went out with this girl last night. Halfway through our date I realized I already slept with her.
Rachel: So basically you've slept with all the women in New York and now you're just going around again?

Quote from Joey

Joey: That's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica: Like you don't remember sleeping with her.
Joey: Yeah, but she should remember sleeping with me. I am very memorable. You guys know.
Rachel: What? How do we know? We've never slept with you.
Joey: And whose fault is that?

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey?
Joey: What?
Monica: You don't think sharks are sexy, do you?
Joey: No. Wait a minute. Wait, what was the Little Mermaid?

Quote from Ross

Ross: I think you'll feel differently when you know a little bit about Vikram. Okay, he's a- He's a kite designer. And he used to date Oprah.

Quote from Phoebe

Mike: Phoebe, are you okay?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Yeah. There's just, um... There's something you should know. Vikram just called.

Quote from Joey

Hayley: So it was really a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents getting divorced. I took it the hardest because I was the youngest.
Joey: Sure. Yeah. How can you not remember me?
Hayley: What?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What? When?
Joey: I don't know.
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.
Joey: Come on, come on. Search your brain, all right? It was a certain amount of time ago.
I was here. You were here. We had sex here, here, here- Not there. Anything?
Hayley: No, it's not ringing any bells.
Joey: My God, woman. How many people do you have to have been with not to remember any of this?

Quote from Joey

Joey: I slept with you. And you obviously remember me. Hey, I still got it! So we're good? I'll let myself out.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Okay. This is how much I love you.
Chandler: Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica: Is this-? Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something toothier?
Chandler: No, I'm just not sure that you got the right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh. This is the only one they had at our video store. Though they did have something called "Crocodile Killers." Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey, look, we can do something else. Do you want me to get into the tub and thrash?

Quote from Monica

Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Chandler: Let me be a part of this!
Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. Angry sharks turn you on!

Quote from Monica

Chandler: You are an amazing wife. No, really, you are amazing. You were actually gonna do this for me? I mean, where do you find the strength and the understanding for that?
Monica: I'm very, very drunk right now.

Quote from Joey

Hayley: What a great dinner.
Joey: Yeah. Thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: You're welcome again. I'm gonna go make some coffee. Can I get you anything?
Joey: Do you have any cake?


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