Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song’ Quotes

Friends: The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

907. The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

Aired November 14, 2002

Ross manages to make Emma laugh by rapping "Baby Got Back". Meanwhile, Phoebe tries to impress Mike's parents, and Joey and Chandler take a tour of Richard's apartment and make a surprising discovery.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hello!
Mike: Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents, Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe: [in Katherine Hepburn voice] Theodore, Bitsy. What a delight.
Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you.
Phoebe: And you. Your home is lovely.
Bitsy: Well, thank you. I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors.
Phoebe: Holy crap!

Rate

Quote from Mike

Mike: Did you just hit my dad?
Phoebe: Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met a boyfriend's parents before.
Mike: But, I mean you have met humans before, right?

Quote from Phoebe

Mike: Mom, Dad. Thanks for dinner.
Phoebe: I had a great time. [as Katharine Hepburn] It was really top-drawer. And here's something rich. Thirteen bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet. Ta-ta!

Quote from Phoebe

Bitsy: Tell us a little bit about yourself. So where are you from?
Phoebe: Okay. Well, all right. Originally, I'm from upstate but then my mom killed herself, and my stepdad went to prison. So I moved to the city, where I actually lived in a burned-out Buick LeSabre for a while. Which was okay. That was okay. Until I got hepatitis, you know because this pimp spit in my mouth and- But I got over it. And, anyway, now I'm a freelance massage therapist which, you know, isn't always steady money, but at least I don't pay taxes. [As Katharine Hepburn] So where does everyone summer?

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Do you have any ideas?
Joey: Yeah, this guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kind of cool, huh? Pitching in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus.
Monica: Joe, emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
Joey: Yeah, right. People eat birds. Bird meat. Now, do they just fly into your mouth? Or do you go in a restaurant and say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird." Or maybe just a wing.

Quote from Mike

Bitsy: Please, darling, let's be honest. You can have all the sailor fun you want with that one. But let's be real.
Mike: All right, stop. All Phoebe has done is try and get you to like her. Maybe it's not clear but she did her best. And yeah, She's a little different than you are.
Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.
Mike: So what? I mean, if I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her, you just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you can't even be civil to the woman I love-
Bitsy: The woman you what?
Phoebe: Yeah, the woman you what?
Mike: The woman I love. I love you. Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents and Tom and Sue. Who are, by the way, the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like, "Oh, Mr. Pinzer, I can see where Wallace gets his good looks."
Monica: You went out with Wallace Pinzer?
Rachel: He took the SATs for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400.
Rachel: Yeah, well, duh!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: So now, what about with Mike's mom?
Rachel: Well, with the mother, just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me.
Moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I am like the daughter that she never had.
Monica: She said what?
Phoebe: That she's like the daughter she never had. Listen.

Quote from Ross

Ross: And that's why, no matter what Mommy says we really were on a break. Yes, we were. Yes, we were.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Look at you. You are the cutest little baby ever. You're just a little-bitty baby, you know that? But you've got-You've got big, beautiful eyes. Yes, you do. And a- And a big, round belly.
Big baby butt. [chuckles] I like big butts. [rapping] I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist. And a round thing in your face. You get-
[Emma giggles]
Ross: Oh, my God, Emma. You're laughing. Oh, my God. You've never done that before, have you? You've never done that before. Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, what do you guys know about investments?
Chandler: How come?
Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show, and I'm thinking I should probably do something with it.
Monica: What do you do with your money now?
Joey: It's taped to the back of my toilet tank. I didn't say that. It's in a bank guarded by robots.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market real estate is your best investment. The Fed just lowered the rates, and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. That's right. I know some stuff.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Real estate, huh?
Monica: Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard!
Chandler: Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together.
Chandler: Oh, well, maybe I'll join them sometime. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the mustache off his face.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: They're going to love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue.
Rachel: Oh. Yeah, she can't be herself.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay, so, all right, which dress? [silence] You can say neither.
Rachel and Monica: Oh, God. Neither.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous. It's so sweet.
Ross: Guess what. I made Emma laugh today.
Rachel: You what? And I missed it because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?

Quote from Chandler

Catherine: Hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.
Joey: Hi, I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own mustache?
Catherine: Actually, he's buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Park-
Chandler: That's enough out of you.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Look at these videos. I mean, who does he think he is? "Magnum Force", "Dirty Harry", Cool Hand Luke. Oh, my God.
Joey: What?
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
Joey: Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape. ... Wait a minute. This says "Monica." And this is Richard's apartment. ...
Chandler: Get there faster!
Joey: [gasps]

Quote from Phoebe

Mike: What are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm trying to get your parents to like me.
Mike: I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this. I want them to get to know Phoebe, not [posh accent] "Phoebe."
Phoebe: You've got it.
Mike: All right.
Phoebe: It's hard to stop.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: So, Theodore, I can see where Mike gets his good looks from.
Theodore: Oh, well-
Phoebe: Yeah. And that physique, you must work out all the time.
Theodore: No, not all the time. I do the best I can.
Phoebe: Yeah, I bet. Look out!
Theodore: Oh. Ow!
Phoebe: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Theodore: I recently had surgery.
Phoebe: I'm so sorry.
Theodore: No, I'll be fine. I just should check the stitches.
Phoebe: I really am sorry.
Theodore: How could you know? Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Bitsy? Hi. Listen, I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.
Bitsy: Well, not at all.
Phoebe: Also, I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
Bitsy: Thank you. I think so too.
Phoebe: And, you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you, because he's very respectful of women.
Bitsy: Is he really?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? He is so considerate of my feelings. You know, I think you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
Bitsy: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no. No, don't get me wrong. No, not in like a sissy way. No, no, no. When he gets going he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave.
Bitsy: That's ... my boy.
Mike: Awesome.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Emma, you're laughing. Oh, you are. You really do like big butts, don't you? Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: You missed it. She was laughing. It was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound.
Ross: I know, isn't it? What'd you do to get her to laugh?
Rachel: You know, I just- A couple of things I tried. Different things- Just sang a little "The ltsy-Bitsy Spider."
Ross: You sang "Baby Got Back," didn't you?
Rachel: Well, nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: And then it goes back to the chorus. [singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault. Resolve. And that's the end of the song. I realize you hadn't asked to hear it but, um, no one had spoken in 17 minutes.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, God. Is that veal?
Mike: Mom, I thought I told you, Phoebe's a vegetarian.
Bitsy: Oh.
Phoebe: No, that's okay. That's okay. I mean, I am a vegetarian except for veal. Yeah. No. Veal I love.
Mike: Phoebe, you don't have to eat that.
Phoebe: No, no. It's actually any baby animals. Kittens, fish babies. But, you know, especially veal. You know, and this nice vein of fat running through it. Yummy. Ugh! [Phoebe runs away to throw up]
Mike: So, what do you think?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Why in the world would you take this tape? And why would you watch it?
Chandler: Because that's who I am. Okay? I'm sure a man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. It'd just be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and mustaches.

Quote from Monica

Monica: That's not me!
Chandler: What? That's not you. Life is good again. Ride 'em, cowgirl.
Monica: That bastard taped over me.
Chandler: Is that a problem?
Monica: It's just so insulting. Spring for a new blank tape, doctor!

Quote from Phoebe

Mike: Wow. You look ... like my mom.
Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose.


 Episode 906 Episode 908 
  Select another episode