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‘The One with Phoebe's Wedding’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Phoebe's Wedding

1012. The One with Phoebe's Wedding

Aired February 12, 2004

As Phoebe's wedding to Mike approaches, Monica drives the bride crazy with her meticulous organization of the event. Phoebe asks Joey to give her away, while Chandler and Ross vie for a role in the wedding.

Quote from Mike

Monica: Now, in regards to the toasts, okay, you wanna keep them short. Nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing, and get out.
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Monica: It's 2101, and I am not amused.

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Quote from Phoebe

Monica: All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. What time is that?
Monica: You don't know military time?
Phoebe: Well, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: How hard is it to make an ice sculpture?
Phoebe: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy. I told you, I just want a simple wedding.
Monica: Please, honey, leave the details to me. Now, I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, I was thinking the harpist should wear white.
Phoebe: Harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums.
Monica: Oh, she backed out.
Phoebe: She did? Why?
Monica: I made her. Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding." Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent.
Phoebe: Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, you're Mike's parents, right?
Bitsy: Yes, we are.
Joey: Gosh, our little ones are growing up fast, aren't they?
Theodore: How's that?
Joey: You know on the one hand, you're happy for them. But on the other hand, it's hard to let go.
Theodore: Who in God's name are you?
Joey: Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, buddy. But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding.
Chandler: I know. I hate being left out of things.
Ross: And it's a wedding. It'll be weird if I'm not in it.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, so you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's stepdad tomorrow, right?
Mike: Yeah. Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. So, what are your intentions with my Phoebe?
Mike: I intend to marry her.
Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. Now, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?
Mike: No more so than acting.
Joey: Strike two.
Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, Dad.
Joey: Strike three. You only get one more, Mike.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Okay. The bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say.
Phoebe: Okay. Hello, everyone. And thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event. And some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start.
Yeah. My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends. So l-
[Monica signalling to Phoebe to speed things up]
Oh, okay. I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen, who couldn't be here tonight, because-
[Monica signalling to Phoebe to speed things up]
It's not- It's not important. Well, she's in rehab. Anyway. So Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike, so he just brought my Mike. And- And-
Monica: Ahem.
Phoebe: But despite, you know- It got good. Okay, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here.
Monica: Oh, God.
Phoebe: And- And moment's over. So okay- Oh, no, forget that. I can forget that. And, oh, this is funny. Oh, but you need to know that to get that. So- Oh, well, okay. I- Okay.
[Monica signalling to Phoebe to cut the speech off]
Okay, Monica, I can't do it like this! This is my wedding, okay? I don't want this- Or this- Or this Okay? I just wanted a simple wedding where my fiance can go to the bathroom any time he wants!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hello, Michael.
Mike: Joseph.
Joey: May I have a word with you, please?
Mike: This is ... great.
Joey: Have a seat. Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family. And instead, you disrespect me. I cannot allow this.
Mike: Are you rehearsing for some really bad Mafia movie?
Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for Family Honor 2: This A-Time It's A-Personal.

Quote from Joey

Mike: Joey, I kind of have a lot to do today. What do you want?
Joey: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very, very important to me, okay? And I wanna make sure you are gonna take care of her.
Mike: Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Joey: That's what I wanted to hear. Because she's family, okay? And now you're gonna be family. And there's nothing more important in the whole world than family.
Mike: That must have been one lousy movie.
Joey: That was me!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: It really was an incredible wedding.
Joey: It was. Yeah, I kind of don't want it to end. Hey you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage?

Quote from Joey

Joey: So he can't come?
Phoebe: No. And so there's no one to walk me down the aisle. And- Well, I would just really love it if you would do it.
Joey: Seriously?
Phoebe: Yeah. You've, you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom.
Joey: I am pretty "wisdomous."

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: So, what do you say?
Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored.
Phoebe: Oh, thank you. I hope- I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Joey: Listen, I hope- I hope that you know- I don't want you to see your father cry. Go to your room!

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Oh, it's my wedding planner. She's driving me crazy! Hello? Okay, stop screaming! Okay, so halibut. All right, so salmon. Either way. I don't- It doesn't matter to me.
Monica: Well, it matters to me!
Phoebe: Well, I don't care. So you pick.
Monica: Did you just hang up on me?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Just subtract twelve.
Phoebe: Okay, so eighteen-hundred minus twelve is one thousand, seven hundred and eighty-eighty.
Monica: Six o'clock!

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: I'm sorry, you guys. But, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school. So, you know, you were- If it helps, you were next in line. You just missed the cut.
Ross: Oh, man.
Chandler: This is like figure skating team all over again. I mean, synchronized swimming. I mean- I mean, the balance beam. Help me.
Ross: Football!
Chandler: Thank you.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Oh, Pheebs, spit that out. That has pork in it.
Phoebe: I thought the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian?
Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I sent you a fax about it.
Phoebe: I don't have a fax machine.
Monica: Huh. Well, then there are gonna be a few surprises.

Quote from Chandler

Mike: Look, about tomorrow, I've got a question for you. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had an emergency and can't make it.
Chandler: What happened?
Ross: Who cares? And?
Mike: And I was wondering if maybe one of you guys-
Ross: I'll do it!
Chandler: Me!
Mike: You both wanna do it? There's only room for one.
Chandler: Pick me. I look great in a tux, and I will not steal focus.
Ross: No, Mike. No, no, you wanna pick me. I mean- Watch.
Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better. I'm gonna let her choose.
Ross: Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman.
Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror as he is me.
Ross: Please. You're going down.
Chandler: You are going "downer."
Ross: Is that what they say on the figure skating team?
Chandler: I wouldn't know. I didn't make it.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: So? What did you decide?
Phoebe: I decided to pee.
Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to choose one of us to be in your wedding. One of the groomsmen fell out.
Phoebe: Oh, no, no. I can't choose between you two. I love you both so much.
Chandler: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: But I don't wanna choose. It's- Ooh. Okay, wait. Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Listen, I have a very special bridesmaid task for you to do.
Rachel: Goody! What is it?
Phoebe: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that.
Rachel: What? What, what, what? No, I don't wanna do that.
Phoebe: All right, I guess I have to find a new bridesmaid.
Ross: I'll do it!

Quote from Monica

Monica: Okay, it's 2100 hours. Time for your toasts.
Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Joey, listen, this is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and makeup going on in the bathroom. Okay, and I had to move a couple things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.
Joey: Oh, Man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was gonna be corsages.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hi. About last night, I know you're under a lot of stress, and- Well, even though the things you said hurt me a little bit- Uh, y point is- Well, I'm willing to take my job back.
Phoebe: Oh, well, that's okay. I think you and I will do much better if you're just here as a bridesmaid.
Monica: Oh, is that so? Okay. If that's really what you want, then here. I give you the headset.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: Well, I don't really wanna give you the headset. I guess if you're taking over, then you should probably return these messages.
Phoebe: Whoa. This is a lot.
Monica: Uh-huh. But I'm sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills. But I'm sure you'll do fine.
Phoebe: You've won awards?
Monica: Uh-huh. I printed them out on my computer.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Listen. Listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you. Now, I promise I won't say a word. But if you pick Chandler, he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time.
Rachel: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils.
Ross: Yes, yes!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Sven, I don't understand what you're saying. What is wrong with the flowers? "Lorkins"? What the hell are "lorkins"?
Monica: I know.
Mike: Hey.
Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins," what flower would that be?
Mike: Orchids?
Phoebe: Right there! That's why I'm marrying you.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing. If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the aisle just fine. But if you choose me you'll be getting some comedy.
Rachel: Even so ... I think I'm gonna pick Ross.
Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. See, when I was a kid, you know, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel insecure. I was always picked last in gym, even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, if I'm the only one left out of this wedding I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.
Rachel: All right, fine, I pick you.
Chandler: Yes! Make "groom" for Chandler.
Rachel: Oh, my.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: No, we're gonna do it my way. Because your way is stupid. All right, I got to go. I have another call, Reverend.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Okay, people, we are back in business! [to the headset] Oh, God, I have missed you so much.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Okay, it's zero hour. All teams execute on my count. Let's get this bad boy on the road!
Chandler: Is it okay I want you to wear that headset in bed tonight?
Monica: I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.
Chandler: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Wow. Aren't you gonna be cold?
Phoebe: I don't care. I'll be my "something blue."

Quote from Joey

Joey: Friends. Family. Dog. Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place so I'm gonna do the short version of this.

Quote from Mike

Mike: Phoebe, you are so beautiful. You're so kind. You're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure. And I can't believe how lucky I am. And I can't wait to share my life with you forever.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Phoebe do you take this man to be your husband?
Phoebe: I do.
Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Mike: I do.
Joey: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Phoebe: I got married! Could someone get me a coat? I'm frigging freezing.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for everyone here when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings? Okay.
Phoebe: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad or a regular family like everybody else. And I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need. You are my family.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'm so glad we're having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Phoebe: What did we say was your one gift to us?
Chandler: No stupid jokes. But I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Phoebe: Rehearse it.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding.
Monica: Really?
Joey: Yeah. You think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway?
Ross: Ministers don't ride the subway for free.
Joey: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but, yeah, we do.


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