Sam: I can't believe I traded her for bathrooms.
Rebecca: Sam, give me a break. The only reason you're interested in that girl is because you can't have her. It was the same thing with me.
Woody: You wanted her, too, Miss Howe? Boy, I've been in this city one month too long.
Rebecca: No, no, Woody, he wanted me because he couldn't have me. You know, Sam, if I told you right now you could have me, I bet you wouldn't even be interested.
Sam: Maybe, but I'd, uh, still perform 'cause I'm a professional.

Sam: Hey, Woody, can you do me one tiny little favor?
Woody: Sure, Sam. What is it?
Sam: Can you get me up to my car, then drive me to Vermont, then get me into the cabin?
Woody: What's in it for me?
Sam: Well, you could use that new gas card of yours to fill the tank.
Woody: All right! I'll feel so grown up!

Rebecca: Oh, well, listen, don't worry about it. All we have to do is find somebody else and take care of their kids.
Sam: Nobody else in this bar has any kids.
Rebecca: Carla does.
Sam: No! Forget it! No!
Rebecca: Sam, wait a minute.
Sam: No!
Rebecca: No, look, I am not gonna have a baby until I know I'll be a good parent.
Sam: Taking care of Carla's kids is not gonna prove that you're a good parent. It just proves that you can survive in the wild.

Sam: Hey, listen, uh, you don't have any advice for a guy who's about to start his family, do you?
Man: Well, you know, it's, like it's no big secret what you need to start a happy family. Love! You know, if a man and woman really love each other, they pass that love onto the kids, and they'll grow up strong and healthy.
Sam: Yeah, well, I mean, I know love's okay and everything, but, uh, you know, what about, uh, those other important things like friendship and a sense of humor?
Man: A sense of humor?
Sam: Yeah.
Man: What's that gonna get you? I mean, look at Martin and Lewis. They had a sense of humor. But were they happy?
Sam: No, they weren't.
Man: No, because it takes love.
Sam: You've got a lot of that, huh?
Man: Me? No, I can't stand my missus. It's been 20 years of living hell for me.
Boy #1: [o.s.] Hey look, it's Dad. What's the matter? Can't you even find your way back to the room, you stupid idiot.
Man: Those are the kids.
Boy #2: [o.s.] Come on, Dad, move your fat ass, and give me 50 bucks for the arcade.
Man: On my good days, l, uh, pray for death. Good luck to you, son. You're gonna need it. [Sam closes the door]
Sam: Eh. I bet that wouldn't have happened if he'd named one of his kids Sam.

Sam: Somebody stole my car.
Mark Newberger: Oh, I've been there.
Sam: Yeah? Really?
Mark Newberger: Yeah, my ex-lover. First he stole my heart, then he stole my car.
Sam: He? Aren't you supposed to be Rebecca's old flame?
Mark Newberger: Well, I'm not that old. Thank God he didn't steal the water bed, the lying little tramp.
Man: Meow!
Mark Newberger: Like you were there.

Sam: Hey, buddy. How are you doing?
Woody: Oh, hey, Sam. I'm missing her. I want to go up and say "hi" to her.
Sam: Ah, no, no. Can't you keep your hormones in check just for five minutes?
Woody: Look who's talking!
Sam: Aw, yeah. You got me there, pal. You be careful!

Buzz Crowder: Hey, lock up your daughters! The fightin' Double Deuce is on the loose!
Sam: Can I help you?
Buzz Crowder: Well, you should help me. I sure helped you. I was fighting the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers. Where's the rest of my outfit?
Carla: What you got on looks silly enough.
Buzz Crowder: I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd Brigade. I'm meeting them here.
Sam: I hope you're not expecting a whole brigade? I'm kind of low on lemons.
Buzz Crowder: No, no, just the guys from my squad. What's left of 'em. I'm Buzz Crowder.

Cliff: Look, look, look. Sammy, look, I've got a simple solution to this whole problem. You just go up to the guys and politely ask them to leave, and everything is back to normal.
Diane: Sam would never do that. Would you, Sam? [off Sam's look] No.
Sam: I'm not sure. These guys are my regulars. If I lose them, I lose my bar. And if single women stop coming in here, I have no reason to live.

Sam: Uh, all right, sit down, sit down. I guess I'm gonna have to make an executive decision here. All right, hold out your fists. There you go. One potato, two potato, three potato, four...
Diane: Oh, Sam, Sam, Sam. This isn't fair.
Sam: It isn't?
Diane: No. Everybody knows that when you do "one potato, two potato" with three people, you end up with the same person with whom you started.
Sam: Oh, yeah, all right. Uh Oh, I got something else here. All right, all right. My dog died last night. What color is his blood?
Diane: What kind of disgusting game is that?
Sam: It's something I played when I was a kid. Now pick a color.
Diane: What for?
Sam: Your dog's blood.
Diane: Oh, this is horrible. You played this as a child? Well, no wonder you're so disturbed.

Carla: Anyway, I really hate her.
Sam: "Her"? Whoa, a woman? Oh, is she married?
Carla: Who'd marry her?
Sam: An unmarried woman. Might take me all of five minutes to get my job back.
Carla: Ha-ha-ha.
Sam: Why? What? Oh, no, what, is she one of those pasty-faced little business school graduates with thick glasses and her hair pulled back so tight she hears through her eyes, one of those?
Carla: She's coming right now. Why don't you be the judge of that?
Sam: Watch this. I came up with a few new grabbers while I was out at sea. [sees Rebecca] Mm-boo-ah.