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‘Home Is the Sailor’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Home Is the Sailor

601. Home Is the Sailor

Aired September 24, 1987

When Sam returns to Cheers after attempting to sail around the world, he finds there have been plenty of changes under new manager Rebecca Howe.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Well, I don't care if you're famous or not. I don't need a bartender. But you're perfectly welcome to come here as a patron anytime. And I personally guarantee you'll be treated with every courtesy. Unless you're waited on by Miss Tortelli.

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Boy, you know, no matter how many times I come in here, I can't get over how silly you look in that ridiculous outfit.
Woody: Really? I kind of like it. People treat me with a little more respect. And there's another bonus. Saves me that couple extra hours I used to spend every morning picking out a shirt.
Frasier: Yes, that can be very time consuming. Whatever happened to the good old days? Everything was better. Sam still owned the bar. He wasn't out circumnavigating the globe. Yonder sat Diane with a book. Norm and Cliff were permanent fixtures in this place. God, how I miss those hail-fellows-well-met. Where has it gone, Woody?
Woody: Oh, hey, come on, Dr. Crane. It'll be all right.
Frasier: [sniffling] Will it? [blowing nose] "Oh, death in life, the days that are no more." Who said that?
Woody: Who said what?
Frasier: "Oh, death in life, the days that are no more."
Woody: You did.
Frasier: No, no, you see, I mean who said it first?
Woody: Y- You said it both times.
Frasier: You know, you're right, Woody. Some things never change. Especially the simple ones.
Woody: And don't you forget it.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
Woody: Norm!
Norm: Well, that was it, Woody. Last chance; I'm out of here.
Woody: You caught them by surprise. I'm telling you, they'll get it.
Norm: Woody, new crowd's a bunch of stiffs, okay? They're never going to get it.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, hey, come on. Lighten up. Running a bar should be fun, you know?
Rebecca: No, visiting a bar should be fun. Running a bar is hard work. Mr. Malone, I have had a great deal of training and education to get to this point, and it's important to me that I succeed; that it succeeds.
Sam: Well, in that case, you're missing a great opportunity here. You see, having a sports celebrity in the bar is great for business. I mean, you take a look at your, uh... You take a look at your, uh, at your major places in Atlantic City. They got your Willie Mays, your Mickey Mantle...
Rebecca: It seems a critical difference here is that I've heard of those people.
Sam: Oh, now. Wait a second here. You know, a lot of people may not know this, but I happen to be quite famous.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Oh. This looks like a nice, friendly tavern. Heck, I'll give it a chance.
Man: Norm!
Norm: Not now, you idiot.
Wayne: Yes, sir?
Norm: Let's see. What do I feel like today? What am I in the mood for? I guess a, uh, Screaming Viking'd do it.
Wayne: Don't you, uh mean a Laughing Swede?
Norm: No.
Carla: What's the matter, Wayne? You heard the man.
Wayne: That drink does not exist.
Norm: There's been many a morning I wished to God it hadn't.

Quote from Cliff

Wayne: There is no such thing as a Screaming Viking. I assure you, Miss Howe.
Steve: Screaming Viking over here, please.
Wayne: I don't know what's going on here, but I've been a barten-
Alan: Bartender, make it two.
Woody: Coming right up.
Wayne: Wait a minute! There is no such drink as a Screaming...
Cliff: Uh, I think I'll have a Screaming Viking. Although, the, uh the name itself is a misnomer, since the Vikings were not actually the murderous plunder-
Carla: Would you shut up! And welcome, stranger.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Sam, what happened to your around-the-world sail?
Sam: Well, it kind of lost some of its appeal, Woody, after I sank.
All: Sank? Where?
Sam: Somewhere in the Caribbean.
Woody: Well, you must feel terrible.
Sam: Well, no, not really. You know, a lot of good came out of it. I discovered a reef that nobody had ever heard of, and even named it after me. "No Brains Atoll." [laughter] [Woody joins in]

Quote from Woody

Eddie LeBec: Hey, Woody.
Woody: Hey, Eddie. [chuckling]
Eddie LeBec: How you doing?
Woody: Good, how are you?
Eddie LeBec: Good. You know, I passed Norm Peterson on the stairs. He didn't give me the time of day.
Woody: Oh, it's 3:15.
Eddie LeBec: Thanks.
Woody: Well, would you like a drink, or did you just drop in for the time?

Quote from Woody

Woody: Well, we haven't seen you for a while, eh?
Eddie LeBec: Yeah, you know, Carla and I kind of drifted apart. I don't know, I haven't seen her in months.
Woody: The usual?
Eddie LeBec: You bet, Woody. Good memory.
Woody: Thanks. What is your usual?

Quote from Woody

Eddie LeBec: Sam around?
Woody: Oh, didn't you hear?
Eddie LeBec: No.
Woody: Sam sold the bar to some big corporation. Bought a boat. He's sailing around the world with it.
Eddie LeBec: Hey, well, good for Sam. Thought he was supposed to get married.
Woody: Well, Miss Chambers went off to write her book, only that didn't work out, and last we heard, she was out in Hollywood trying to write for TV. I'll bet whatever she comes up with, it'll be pretty darn good.
Eddie LeBec: [chuckling] I bet it will.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: So, Carla, what did Eddie say about his impending fatherhood?
Carla: He wants to think about it.
Frasier: Mmm. Well, my guess is he'll do exactly what I or any normal, red-blooded men would do in this situation. On the other hand, you might actually hear from him again. [Carla slaps Frasier's head] No, I'm joking, I'm joking. Come on, am I the only cut-up left in this morgue? Come on! Remember the old days when things were fun? Do you remember when the bar was brimming with scamps, and atop every barstool perched an irrepressible Merry-Andrew? You remember that, Sam? [alarmed screech]

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Uh, excuse me. Um, I want to apologize for my behavior back there. I was led astray. Somebody told me that you were kind of a schnauzer.
Rebecca: Uh, Sam Malone.
Sam: Yes. Yes.
Rebecca: You're the gentleman that used to own this bar. Well, I heard you were sailing around the world.
Sam: Well, I was going to do that, but, uh, something kept pulling me back here, and I just couldn't figure out what it was, till now.
Rebecca: Which reminds me of the other thing I heard about you.
Sam: Oh, no... Wait, let me set the record straight here. There have been a lot of ridiculous, unbelievable rumors about my sexual prowess. I just want to tell you that most of them are right on the money.
Rebecca: You know, Mr. Malone, we've known each other only seconds, and I'm already tired of you.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Uh, w- w- wait a minute, wait a minute. I know you think you've had just about enough excitement for one day, but there's more. I'm back and I'm ready to jump behind the bar.
Rebecca: We're fully staffed, Mr. Malone. Jump somewhere else.
Sam: Uh, well, hold on a second. Can't we, uh, can't we discuss this?
Rebecca: We just did.
Sam: No, no, no, I meant someplace private where we could slip out of our things and say howdy.
Rebecca: I don't know if I find your come-ons disgusting or merely pathetic. I do know you're giving me a headache behind the eyes. It feels like a little insect boring into my brain.
Sam: Oh!

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: You didn't knock.
Sam: Habit. Oh, my God. Boy, this place doesn't even look like my office anymore.
Rebecca: Thank you; it wasn't easy.
Sam: How could you do this? I mean, you- you took away all the all the charm, all the warmth. Where's Dave?
Rebecca: "Dave"?
Sam: My moose head.
Rebecca: I set him free. If he really loves you, he'll come back.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You're not doing this out of pity, are you?
Rebecca: Pity?
Sam: Well, yeah. I I can't take this job if it's just pity.
Rebecca: It's not just pity. There are other things.
Sam: Oh. Well, good. Like what?
Rebecca: Like... It's pity.
Sam: Just pity?
Rebecca: Just pity.
Sam: No respect?
Rebecca: No.
Sam: No personal value? [Rebecca shakes her head] Do you like my shirt?
Rebecca: Actually, that's a great shirt.
Sam: Well, you know what they say. Uh, pity and a nice shirt, and the world's your oyster, huh?

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