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‘One for the Book’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: One for the Book

111. One for the Book

Aired December 9, 1982

Two unlikely customers to come Cheers: an 85-year-old World War I veteran waiting for the rest of his brigade, and a teetotaler who is about to join a monastery. Meanwhile, Diane is jotting down witty observations she's overheard in the bar, infuriating Sam who doesn't get a mention.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: Hey, here's a little-known fact. Now, most of you were probably under the assumption that basketball was invented in these United States, right?
Man: Yeah, James Naismith, Springfield College.
Cliff: I can see it's a good thing I showed up tonight. Basketball was invented thousands of years ago by the Mayans. They played it for centuries.
Man: Is that true?
Norm: Sure.
Cliff: Watch me get the Coach on this one. Coach, I got a question for you. Who invented basketball?
Coach: The Mayans.
Norm: Way to go, Coach.
Cliff: Where did you hear that?
Coach: Well, how should I know? There must've been a Mayan in here bragging about it.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What you up to, Norm?
Norm: My ears.
Coach: Want a beer, Norm?
Norm: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
Carla: There's a lady present, Norm.
Norm: Oh, sorry, Diane.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Sir? Save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in 20 years.
Carla: Use the jukebox. It doesn't work either, but it's only a dime.
Norm: Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
Carla: Cos no-one else'll give her a job!

Quote from Coach

Coach: Boy, that was inspiring!
Carla: Sam, are you sure you didn't get that piano fixed?
Sam: I didn't get it fixed. Did you get it fixed?
Coach: Yeah, a couple of days ago, Sam. I meant to tell you about it but it slipped my mind.
Diane: Coach, why did you find it inspiring if you got the piano fixed?
Coach: Well, gee, Diane, that piano's been busted for what, twenty years? Why did I all of a sudden decide to get it fixed?
Norm: This would make a great bar story. Too bad we're all here.

Quote from Coach

Man: Excuse me.
Coach: Yes, sir?
Man: Can you check upstairs to see if the table's ready for the Phillips party?
Coach: Sure. Be glad to.
[Coach hums a tune as he walks over to the coat rack, takes off his apron and puts on a formal jacket. He disappears up stairs before coming back down, going to the coat rack to take the jacket off and put his apron back on. He walks back over to the table:]
Coach: What was the name again?
Man: Phillips.
Coach: Phillips!
[Coach hums as he walks back to the coat rack, remove his apron and puts the jacket on. Sam shares an embarrassed look with the patron. Coach stops momentarily before going upstairs to make sure he remembers the name.]

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, I got this one. Buzz. Buzz, I'm the fella you talked to this morning. I didn't recognize the uniform on the telephone. Come on. Let me show you the back room. It's in the back here. In the back.
Sam: I'm sorry about that. Can I get you something to drink back there?
Buzz Crowder: Oh, no, I don't drink. But keep plenty for the others. We got a lotta catching up to do. We meet in this bar every ten years to reminisce.
Coach: What war were you in there, Buzz?
Buzz Crowder: Oh, the First World War, of course.
Coach: Is that the one with Clark Gable or Gary Cooper?
Buzz Crowder: Wow! I'm 85. What's your excuse?
Coach: Baseball!

Quote from Carla

Carla: What you writing, Slats?
Diane: My thoughts.
Carla: That would explain all the blank pages.
Diane: Carla, I'm writing during the odd moments of the job, much as Jack London did.
Carla: Oh, was he a bad waitress, too?

Quote from Coach

Coach: You know, I once thought of being a priest.
Kevin: Oh, you're religious?
Coach: No, I just thought it'd be a nice, kind of peaceful life.
Kevin: Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.
Coach: [genuflects] Oh, thank you, Father.

Quote from Carla

Carla: What about your calling, Kevin?
Kelly: Oh, I never had a calling. I talked myself into believing that. I've always been an ordinary person. I thought that would make me special.
Norm: This guy's gonna discover forever is a long time to go between hayrides.
Carla: You're gonna turn your back on God because of sex? Believe me, sex is not that important. [the men groan] Well, it's not! It's not. Can sex make stars, or a tree or a rainbow? Can sex make an ocean or a newborn baby? Forget that one.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Poor Buzz. He's breaking my heart.
Coach: None of his old buddies showed, huh?
Diane: No. He's back there all by himself, throwing darts. He's been throwing darts now for an hour and a half.
Coach: Poor guy.
Sam: You know, I don't think they'll ever make a pack big enough to carry the loneliness of a soldier.
[Diane thinks for a moment and picks up her notebook]
Diane: Nah!

Quote from Carla

Buzz Crowder: Sam. What do I owe ya, Sam?
Sam: Nothing, Buzz. The room's on us. Forget it.
Buzz Crowder: Why, thanks.
Norm: Hey, Buzz? I was in the army myself, you know. Fort Dix.
Coach: Yeah, I served in the navy, Buzz. In Pensacola.
Sam: I was in the reserves.
Diane: I was never actually in the Army, but I did serve in uniform. I was a Brownie. I won merit badges.
Carla: I was in Saint Cletus's Correctional Institute for Wayward Girls. We used Brownies for firewood!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Uh, wait. Wait a second. It's not like this is important to me or anything, but are you aware that I am the only person in this bar who's not in that book?
Diane: Uh, really?
Sam: You know, when I played baseball, I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker, just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
Diane: I know the feeling! Sam, come on, that was a joke!
Sam: Okay, fine. No, you know, you're not joking, you're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.
Diane: Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are. Now, look. I want natural poetry, OK? I'm writing down spontaneous statements. All day you've been trying too hard.
Sam: That's all right, fine! I don't really want to be in that stupid, pretentious book of yours, anyway. You know, you've been writing some pretty stupid stuff in that book. I mean I've heard some of the stuff you've been writing in that book, and it's stupid. You know, I mean, what does a stuffed shirt know about blue-collar poetry, huh?
Diane: That's good, that's really good.

Quote from Diane

Coach: Sam, you know something? Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.
Diane: Oh, wow. Oh.
Sam: "Oh, wow?"
Diane: "Someone." Would you get my purse for me, please? This has been a great day, huh? How could I have known when I woke up this morning that I would meet a monk and a doughboy? Two men with one foot in heaven. Oh, that's good!

Quote from Sam

Buzz Crowder: Hey, lock up your daughters! The fightin' Double Deuce is on the loose!
Sam: Can I help you?
Buzz Crowder: Well, you should help me. I sure helped you. I was fighting the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers. Where's the rest of my outfit?
Carla: What you got on looks silly enough.
Buzz Crowder: I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd Brigade. I'm meeting them here.
Sam: I hope you're not expecting a whole brigade? I'm kind of low on lemons.
Buzz Crowder: No, no, just the guys from my squad. What's left of 'em. I'm Buzz Crowder.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Ah, any sex in it?
Diane: Please. I've started writing down bits of conversation I hear in the bar. Sometimes people say things that strike me as snippets of Americana.
Sam: You mean things said by customers, employees?
Diane: Yeah.
Sam: The owner?
Diane: Ah, I'm afraid you're not represented.
Sam: Just my luck. She doesn't like my snippets.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Got something good there?
Diane: Yes. A remark a customer dropped just a moment ago.
Sam: Yeah? A quotable remark? You know, well, it occurs to me that sometimes we find truth comes in a glass. [Diane walks away] Or a mug. Or your face.

Quote from Norm

Buzz Crowder: Hey, Pinky! [hugs Norm] You old grunt! Sammy? Tinkerbell here, or what?
Sam: Hey, Buzz? Buzz, isn't he a little bit young to be one of your guys?
Buzz Crowder: Oh, of course! I'm sorry. Wow, from behind you look exactly like the young Pinky Peterson.
Norm: You shouldn't walk up and grab people like that.
Buzz Crowder: If I buy you a beer, will you forget it?
Norm: Buy me a pitcher, you can kiss me on the lips!
Buzz Crowder: Hey, you're all right. I'll be in the back.
Sam: Everything all right back there?
Buzz Crowder: Well, that room is kinda small. One grenade'll get us all! [laughs]

Quote from Carla

Kevin: Ah, this looks like a nice saloon.
Diane: We aspire to saloon.
Kelly: Can I just sit anywhere?
Carla: Try the bar. It makes good cover during the gunfights.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hi. What'll you have?
Kevin: Uh, I'll have a carafe of your house whisky.
Sam: Excuse me?
Kevin: Uh, is that a bad order?
Sam: Well, not if you're a party of twenty.
Kevin: This is the first time I've ever been in a bar.
Sam: No kidding.
Kevin: No, really. I was just passing and dropped in to see what it's like.
Sam: Well, does it live up to your expectations?
Kevin: Well, I expected to see more lost, desperate souls sitting around.
Sam: Well, desperate souls night is Thursday. All the beer you can cry into for a buck.
Kevin: That's very amusing.
Sam: Thank you. Where's Diane?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Can I get you something, Buzz?
Buzz Crowder: Not yet, Sam. I came out to warn you about something. Me and the boys have got a little joke we play on each other. You see, first man here always goes in the back room, strips down to his altogether, yeah, yeah? Then he stands on the table, and when the others walk in, he yells out, "Lafayette, we are here!" [Sam chuckles] Well, tonight it's my turn.
Sam: Thanks for the warning, Buzz.
Buzz Crowder: Oh, Sam, could you turn the heat up just a little bit?

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