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‘An Old-Fashioned Wedding’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

Cheers: An Old-Fashioned Wedding

1025. An Old-Fashioned Wedding

Aired May 14, 1992

Carla warns Woody and Kelly to call off the wedding when her horoscope predicts disaster. With Sam and Rebecca providing liquor and bartending, they try to keep the wedding on track.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, sitting here in my dinner jacket, I feel I should be tossing off brittle Noel Coward bon mots.
Lilith: Do you know any brittle Noel Coward bon mots?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I do. It seems that after being told that a very boring acquaintance of his had put a bullet through his brain, Coward said, "He must have been a remarkable shot!" [laughs]
Lilith: Did he often find humor in the tragedy of others?
Frasier: Well, darling, you're missing the humor, dear.
Lilith: He got his jollies from massive head trauma?
Frasier: Don't- You're missing the whimsy.
Lilith: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier! Can you imagine the state of mind that would drive a man to do something like that? Can you picture the despair he must have felt facing a future in which any hope or joy seemed utterly impossible?
Frasier: I think I can picture that, dear.

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Quote from Kelly

Carla: Kelly. Kelly Kelly! [separates Woody and Kelly] Look, uh, I gotta ask you something. I'm making you guys an astrological marriage chart for a wedding present. And I gotta get some information.
Kelly: Oh, gee, I... I don't know my sign, but I know I'm not a Virgo.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, kids, astrology is bad enough, but she's also a Cassandra into the bargain, always prophesying doom. You know, when Lilith and I got married, she predicted that our marriage would descend into a life of endless bickering.
Lilith: That's not exactly what she said, Frasier.
Frasier: Yes it is, word for word.
Lilith: No, you're misremembering, as usual.
Frasier: It's my story. Why can't you keep your oar out?
Lilith: Because inaccuracy is a mark of sloppy thinking.
Frasier: And what is butting in a mark of?!

Quote from Kelly

Carla: I know your date of birth and where you were born, but what I gotta know is what time you were born exactly.
Kelly: It was 8:00 in the morning.
Carla: Okay.
Kelly: I weighed seven pounds, three ounces. I had very fine hair and a tiny little birthmark on my shoulder. Daddy said it was the sweetest thing you've ever seen.
Carla: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kelly: Can you believe that sweet, innocent baby girl grew up and got it on with the Woodman this morning?
Carla: 8 am. Got it. Okay.

Quote from Woody

Carla: I'm telling you, Woody, you've got to call this thing off. Just reschedule it for any other day but this.
Woody: Well, that's out of the question, Carla. After what happened this morning, Kelly and I have to get married, or she'll be a fallen woman, and I'll have brought disgrace on my whole family, just like Uncle Orlo. He got caught checking into a motel with a cream separating machine. It may not seem shocking now, but in the early '60s, that was considered pretty weird.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Oh, boy, huh? Looking at those two, it's hard to believe that one out of every two-and-two-thirds marriages in this country ends in divorce.
Rebecca: Where do they get those stupid statistics? What is two thirds of a marriage?
Norm: Plenty, believe me.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I just hope it's a short wedding. I can't wait to get to that cake. I'm starving.
Frasier: So I gather the preparations for this event have been somewhat lavish.
Rebecca: "Somewhat"?! We are talking about the wedding of the year! Look at this guest list: tycoons, philanthropists, European royalty. The kind of wonderful crowd that I could be mingling with right now if Robin and I had stayed together which, of course, we didn't. He went his way and I went mine and the dream ended and that was that. And now I've got to go over there and schlep booze so those rich pigs can pour it down their ugly throats! Life sucks.
Frasier: Okay to call on you for a wedding toast?

Quote from Woody

Sam: How're you doing, Woody?
Woody: Fine. Fine.
Sam: What're you smiling about there?
Woody: Am I smiling, Sam? Okay, I'll stop.
Sam: You're acting all weird. What's going on?
Woody: Am I acting weird, Sam? Okay, I'll stop.
Sam: Yeah, you're spacing out. You've got that goofy look on your face and that look in your eyes that I always get right after... Aw, don't tell me. You and Kelly couldn't wait till your wedding night, could you? Oh! [hugs Woody]
Woody: It's given me a whole new prospective, Sam. You know, suddenly I understand all those jokes you guys have been telling me. And by the way, ha-ha, Mr. Peterson. And ha-ha-ha, Mr. Clavin. And ho-ho-ho, shame on you, Dr. Crane.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Ah, Woody, I understand completely. You know, forbidden fruit is often the sweetest. Many men look back on premarital sex as the last real thrill they had before the cold, dead hand of matrimony turned what was once exciting into predictable routine... [Lilith taps her pen against her coffee mug] According to this idiotic book I read.

Quote from Frasier

Rebecca: Dead? He can't be dead. He just sat down there to take a little nap.
Sam: Frasier, are you sure?
Frasier: I trained as a physician. Believe me, he's dead. You don't make that mistake twice.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I can sew. Yeah, Ma thought it was a skill every young man should learn.
Kelly: Oh, that was very sensible of her.
Cliff: Oh, sure, I can also knit, crochet and do bargello. You ought to see this petit-point rug I did of John Wayne ascending into heaven.

Quote from Woody

Woody: You'd think those dogs would know me by now. Mr. Gaines is always giving them one of my shoes to sniff.

Quote from Norm

Carla: So what'd you clowns get the happy couple?
Cliff: Well, uh, you know, Carla, recent surveys show there are a lot of wasteful duplication in wedding gifts.
Norm: Yeah. Everybody gets like, you know four toasters and four-dozen fondue forks. They always wind up sitting in a closet somewhere.
Cliff: Yeah, so, uh, we went for the, uh, practical.
Norm: Yep. Ta-dah!
Carla: Hey, wait a minute. Is that a new garbage can?
Norm: Um... yeah.
Carla: Like hell it is. You just took that out of your kitchen and brought it here!
Norm: Hey, this is a seasoned receptacle, okay?
Carla: Oh, God!
Norm: They got some fetish to look at a brand-new garbage can, they can come over to my kitchen.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Darling, what's taking you so long, just to write a simple card?
Lilith: We're the most articulate couple Woody and Kelly know. I'd like to leave them with some words they can reread and cherish twenty years from now.
Frasier: Yeah, if they're still married then. Forgive me if I seem unduly cynical, but geez, I've treated so many emotionally scarred husbands and wives, it's hard for me to get sentimental over a simple greeting card.
Carla: What'd you write?
Lilith: "May you never forget the way your hearts leapt up when first you gazed into each other's eyes."
Frasier: [crying] Oh, God Lilith! I still remember!

Quote from Lilith

Rebecca: Whoa, guys, this is going to be some kind of wedding reception.
Sam: I tell you, it was pretty nice of Mr. Gaines to buy all his liquor from us. I think I'm going to throw in that special case of wine I got in here.
Rebecca: Sam, you might as well leave on your apron. You're going down to the cellar.
Sam: Oh, yeah, you're right. [hums as he puts on a hair net] It's all cobwebby down there. [exits]
Lilith: It's a perfectly sensible precaution. After all, it's not as though he slept in a shower cap.
Frasier: No.
Cliff: Oh, well, so what if he did? I mean, uh, like any guy might. You know, to keep the spiders off his head.
Lilith: Do you realize, when I publish my book on borderline psychosis, every penny I ever spent in this bar will be deductible?

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