Rebecca: Well, I still say it's a stupid way to spend Valentine's Day.
Sam: Yeah, but that's 'cause you don't have a date.
Rebecca: Oh, yeah? I happen to have a date with two very sweet gentlemen: Ben and Jerry.

Lauren: I've had 20-20 vision all my life. Now when I go to a restaurant, I have to have someone at the next table hold the menu so I can read it. [both chuckle]
Sam: No, you know what the worst thing about old age is? It's when you get so old that the skin under your arms starts getting loose and hanging like turkey wattle.
Lauren: I thought that only happened to women.
Sam: Yeah, that's what I meant. I just, you know, I hate to see it, that's all.
Lauren: Has your doctor put you on a bran diet?
Sam: Oh, yeah, God Oh, I tell you-- Oh, thank you. Oh! Last year was the worst. You know, I went in for this stomach problem. Turned out I had a stone the size of a golf ball. Took me a month to pass it.
Lauren: Sam, has your hair started turning gray?
Sam: Hey, hey. You're getting a little personal there. Aren't you?
Lauren: Sam, look, it's getting light out. We've been talking all night.
Sam: Oh, hey, how about that? Wow! You know, that's that's a first. Kind of nice to know that we have something in common besides our bodies.
Lauren: Oh, yeah, we have the deterioration of our bodies.

Carla: Whoa! Man, those stairs are slippery. Woody, I think we could use a little salt out there.
Norm: These pretzels could use a little salt, too. My blood pressure's actually dipping.

Lilith: Ah, Frasier. Here you are. And where are the dysfunctional men?
Carla: Throw a rock.

Woody: Here we go. [engine starts] Ignition, lights, parking brake, mirror, signal. [turn signal clicking] Blind spot. Vermont, here we come. [brakes squeal] Lord have mercy!
Sam: What? What happened? Aah!
Woody: Well, I didn't think that pigeon was gonna fly away in time. Why do they always wait till the last minute? What, do they think that's funny or something?
Sam: Aw, I don't know, Woody All right.
Woody: All right, Sam, hang on. We're gonna pull out again. Mirror, signal, blind spot. [turn signal clicking] There. "Exit 19. Concord Street." "Exit 20." "Route 125."
Sam: Woody.
Woody: Hang on, Sam. "93 North."
Sam: Oh, no, please, don't read all the road signs.
Woody: Oh, fine, Sam. Would you like me to ignore the speed limit, too?
Sam: I wouldn't mind if you approached it.
Woody: Meow, Sam.

Norm: It's Mike Dukakis.
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: It's Michael Dukakis.
Sam: Let's go say hello to him.
Norm: We can't.
Sam: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What'll we call him? What'll we call him?
Norm: Uh, Governor.
Sam: Ex. Ex-governor.
Norm: Ooh, yeah. Your Honor. There you go.
Sam: You- Your Ex Honor.
Norm: No, no, no, no, no.
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: Mike.
Sam: Michael.
Norm: No, Duke! Duke, Duke, Duke! Duke! Duke! Duke!
Michael Dukakis: Hi. How're you doing?
Sam: Hi.
Norm: Hi. [both laughing]
Sam: We said hello to Michael Dukakis!
Norm: No, no, we said hi to Mike!
Sam: Michael.
Norm: No, no. Duke. Duke. Duke. Duke.
Sam: We said hello to Duke.

Rebecca: Oh, yeah. That's that stupid date he goes on once a year with that - what is that - Lauren person.
Norm: Stupid? This is not some stupid date, Rebecca. For the last 20 years, Sammy and Lauren have met for one night each year. It's kind of like Sammy's version of commitment. Actually, it's a lot like my version of commitment.

Carla: Hey, you know, it's just a made-up holiday anyway. You know, some big fat greeting card tycoon trying to get rich off of dopey cards and candy hearts. Don't be depressed about that.
Rebecca: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Carla: If you're gonna be depressed about anything, it should be the fact that you're only making seven bucks an hour, your skin is starting to flake at the hairline, and you're a year closer to death.
Rebecca: Thank you, Carla.
Carla: But, hey, if it makes you feel any better, Happy Valentine's Day!

Frasier: Boy, those patients of mine are really hopeless.
Norm: Well, heck, bring them out here. This is the hopeless room.
Woody: Yeah, I don't know, Dr. Crane. Haven't you ever thought that it's kind of tough on them, doing all that counseling stuff? I mean, I was raised to believe that if you have a problem, you lock it away in a secret place. You keep it bottled up good and tight. And if it gets full in there, you just keep forcing the pain down and clamping it in.
Frasier: Good advice, Woody. [to Norm] Tick, tick, tick.

Frasier: Let me see. I don't believe there's a fracture, just a serious sprain right around lumbar three. Does it hurt when I do this? [Sam groans] That's good. That's good.
Sam: Ooh. Why? Does that mean I'm gonna get better?
Frasier: No. Because it means I know what I'm talking about. You see, Lilith, I could so have been a real doctor.