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‘Unplanned Parenthood’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Unplanned Parenthood

1006. Unplanned Parenthood

Aired October 24, 1991

Sam and Rebecca babysit Carla's brood to test whether they're ready to be parents. Meanwhile, Woody and Kelly borrow Cliff's video camera to record a message for his family back in Indiana.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: People, people, we cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.
Sam: Yes, thank you very much.
Frasier: The real question is: Will they make responsible parents?
Rebecca: That's right!
Frasier: And the answer is an emphatic "no!"
Rebecca: Hey!
Frasier: Sam, up until now, you and Rebecca have not taken into account the years of sacrifice involved in the raising of a child. You have not reckoned with the fact that as soon as you have one, your lives will be irrevocably altered. An infant demands constant attention. 24 hours a day. Seven days a week. It never says "please" or "may l?" It just demands. Let me have a scotch. And say good-bye to vacations. Say good-bye to ski weekends because your life is baby, baby, baby. Can I get a drink, please?!

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Quote from Carla

Carla: A whole night without my kids. Thank you, Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes. I have prayed for this day for 18 years. First you freed me from Diane. And now this! I am blessed! I am truly blessed.
Cliff: Carla, do you realize that you're the same height kneeling down as you are standing up?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sammy, if you want my two cents, I think that you and Rebecca having a kid together is very immoral. Now, you and me havin' a kid outta wedlock that'd be a blast.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla, Sam and I want to take care of your kids. Is that okay with you?
Carla: All of 'em? For how long?
Rebecca: The whole night.
Carla: And I don't have to be there?
Rebecca: No.
Carla: Oh, bless you! [leans across the bar and kisses Rebecca's forehead]

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Okay, I hope you all enjoyed the dinner as much as the wall did. And I also want you to know that Rebecca really enjoyed the dead-rat-in-the-bun joke. That's very funny. [Rebecca sobs] Come on, honey, just pull yourself together. You're going to frighten the kids.
Rebecca: I don't think I can take any more.
Sam: Oh, come on, of course you can. You can't quit now. We've onl... Okay, who-who took my watch? [mutters]
Rebecca: You see that? This is not a home. This is a house of horrors.
Sam: No, you're just...
Rebecca: I mean, my God, they Crazy-glued the dryer door shut.
Sam: Yeah, I know, but we got you out, didn't we?
Rebecca: But I'm still dizzy.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Whatcha doin', Wood?
Woody: Oh, well, uh, I want Kelly to meet my parents, and, uh, I can't afford to fly her out there, so I figured what better way to introduce her to my parents in person than on tape?
Cliff: Don't forget, Woody, you gotta set your white balance.
Woody: What's that?
Cliff: Well, the tape might be a little tinted, so you gotta balance it out by, uh, pointing the lens at a flat white surface.
Carla: Hey, Lilith, we were just talking about you.
Lilith: Carla, I'm long past caring what anyone in this bar has to say about me. [to Frasier] What did they say?

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: I am the one who's gonna be all bloated. I'm the one who's gonna gain all the weight, be up all night eating ice cream and pickles, and I'm gonna be the one who's vomiting all morning.
Norm: Yeah? Try doing that with Vera standing over you saying, "You gotta clean up your act, mister."

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Can you believe this? I'm not even pregnant, yet he is insisting that the child have his last name. Just give me one good reason why its last name can't be Howe.
Sam: How about this? Howe's a stupid name.
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Sam: Come on. It's not even a name. It's more of a, of a question. Rebecca Howe. Rebecca why. Rebecca who, what, where.
Rebecca: You know, I can make fun of your name, too. Oh, yeah? Malone. Malone. Oh, all right, I'm not very good at it yet.
Sam: Oh, really? Howe surprising. Howe remarkable.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Come on, when you were a kid, admit it, didn't- didn't people make fun of your name?
Rebecca: Yes, but that was in the context of making fun of many other things. And what makes your name so special?
Sam: I'll tell you why. Because Malone is a very proud old Irish name. When my great grandfather came from County Cork to this city, they actually had signs in some of the windows that said "No Irish need apply". His friends told him to change his name to Smith or something, but he wouldn't do it. He was proud of his name. And when we have a kid, I want, want him to be proud of his name, too. There. Is that reason enough for you?
Rebecca: No.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Sam, you know, you wouldn't have these problems if you just made an honest woman out of Miss Howe.
Sam: Ooh, what're you talking about, Woody?
Woody: Well, back in Hanover we have this little tradition. It's called marriage. It's to avoid another little tradition called hellfire.

Quote from Lilith

Rebecca: Look, those guys have some good points. I mean, how do we know we're gonna be good parents?
Sam: How does anybody know?
Lilith: Maybe a little practice would help ease your nerves. Would the two of you like to take care of Frederick for an evening? It may provide you with some confidence in your parenting skills as well as give us a break from that 16-year-old bundle of breasts Frasier insists is God's gift to babysitting.
Sam: Would that make you feel better?
Rebecca: Yeah, I think it's a good idea. I think it's good. When can we do that?
Lilith: Well, let me see. Uh, tonight, oh, well, Frederick has his story hour at the library tonight. Tomorrow is our Mommy and Me class. Friday is Aqua Tots. Let me look at next month.

Quote from Woody

Woody: [filming] Hi, Mom and Dad. Uh, I want you to meet Kelly, my girlfriend. She's holding the camera. She's a beautiful girl. Blond hair, great smile, sparkling personality. I wish you could see her. Kelly, say hi to my parents. Now!
[Woody runs and grabs the camera off Kelly, who goes and take his place on a bar stool]
Kelly: Hi.
Woody: Now!
[They swap back]
Woody: Well, what'd you think? Pretty special, huh? Kelly, say good-bye to my parents. Now!
[And again]
Kelly: Bye.
Woody: That was great. Let's turn this baby on and shoot it before we get stale.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, excuse me, Wood. Don't you think maybe your parents would like a shot with the two of you in it? Huh? Yeah. What do you say we sit down and chat about it? Get a few ideas cookin' here, you know. A little percolatin'. You know, maybe a maybe a nice two shot. You know, widen out to a master with a little background lighting for a nice halo effect.
Woody: Wow! Mr. Clavin, you're a real expert.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, I'm a bit of a film buff there, Woody. l, uh, I admire the works of all the greats. You know, Kurosawa, Fellini, Hitch. That's, uh, Hitchcock, Woody.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I just had an idea. Whatta you say we, uh, have Woody start this thing off? I mean, he's an actor. He can just warm the whole thing up, huh? All right, Wood?
Woody: Yeah. Okay.
Cliff: Ready and action!
Woody: Hi, Mom and Dad.
Cliff: Oh, Woody, l, uh, thought you were an actor. Let's try this again, okay? And remember, you haven't seen your parents for years. You hunger for their love and affection. You want them to know just how badly you miss them. You left Indiana all those many years ago to come to the big city. You're practically a stranger, pal. Action.
Woody: I love you, Mom and Dad. I know I should've stayed on the farm. I don't know why I left. Uh, I guess I was just selfish. You know, everybody always leaves the farm. That's why America's in the condition it is. [sobs] I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Please don't die before I come home again.
Cliff: Oh, Woody, that was wonderful. What do you say we turn this thing on and shoot this baby?

Quote from Norm

Carla: You know, now that Sam's busy with this baby thing, you guys are either going to have to live vicariously through somebody else, or get your own lives.
Paul: [scoffs] She's right, you know.
Norm: Wood? Thank you. Listen, when you and, uh, Kelly go out on a date, what do you guys do, huh? [chuckles]
Woody: Well, last night we played three games of miniature golf and stopped for ice cream at the Freeze 'n' Frost.
Norm: Ooh! A little miniature golf there, huh?
Paul: A little ice cream action, huh?
Norm: Huh? Yeah, that Woody.
Paul: Yeah.
Norm: He's an ice-cream-eating, miniature-golfing guy.
Paul: Look at us trying to sponge off other people's lives. We're pathetic.
Norm: Hey, Phil, new pants there, huh?
Phil: Yep.
Norm: That Phil he's a pants-wearing, guy.

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