Frasier: People, people, we cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.
Sam: Yes, thank you very much.
Frasier: The real question is: Will they make responsible parents?
Rebecca: That's right!
Frasier: And the answer is an emphatic "no!"
Rebecca: Hey!
Frasier: Sam, up until now, you and Rebecca have not taken into account the years of sacrifice involved in the raising of a child. You have not reckoned with the fact that as soon as you have one, your lives will be irrevocably altered. An infant demands constant attention. 24 hours a day. Seven days a week. It never says "please" or "may l?" It just demands. Let me have a scotch. And say good-bye to vacations. Say good-bye to ski weekends because your life is baby, baby, baby. Can I get a drink, please?!

Carla: A whole night without my kids. Thank you, Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes. I have prayed for this day for 18 years. First you freed me from Diane. And now this! I am blessed! I am truly blessed.
Cliff: Carla, do you realize that you're the same height kneeling down as you are standing up?

Carla: Hey, Sammy, if you want my two cents, I think that you and Rebecca having a kid together is very immoral. Now, you and me havin' a kid outta wedlock that'd be a blast.

Rebecca: Carla, Sam and I want to take care of your kids. Is that okay with you?
Carla: All of 'em? For how long?
Rebecca: The whole night.
Carla: And I don't have to be there?
Rebecca: No.
Carla: Oh, bless you! [leans across the bar and kisses Rebecca's forehead]

Sam: Okay, I hope you all enjoyed the dinner as much as the wall did. And I also want you to know that Rebecca really enjoyed the dead-rat-in-the-bun joke. That's very funny. [Rebecca sobs] Come on, honey, just pull yourself together. You're going to frighten the kids.
Rebecca: I don't think I can take any more.
Sam: Oh, come on, of course you can. You can't quit now. We've onl... Okay, who-who took my watch? [mutters]
Rebecca: You see that? This is not a home. This is a house of horrors.
Sam: No, you're just...
Rebecca: I mean, my God, they Crazy-glued the dryer door shut.
Sam: Yeah, I know, but we got you out, didn't we?
Rebecca: But I'm still dizzy.

Woody: [filming] Hi, Mom and Dad. Uh, I want you to meet Kelly, my girlfriend. She's holding the camera. She's a beautiful girl. Blond hair, great smile, sparkling personality. I wish you could see her. Kelly, say hi to my parents. Now!
[Woody runs and grabs the camera off Kelly, who goes and take his place on a bar stool]
Kelly: Hi.
Woody: Now!
[They swap back]
Woody: Well, what'd you think? Pretty special, huh? Kelly, say good-bye to my parents. Now!
[And again]
Kelly: Bye.
Woody: That was great. Let's turn this baby on and shoot it before we get stale.

Norm: Whatcha doin', Wood?
Woody: Oh, well, uh, I want Kelly to meet my parents, and, uh, I can't afford to fly her out there, so I figured what better way to introduce her to my parents in person than on tape?
Cliff: Don't forget, Woody, you gotta set your white balance.
Woody: What's that?
Cliff: Well, the tape might be a little tinted, so you gotta balance it out by, uh, pointing the lens at a flat white surface.
Carla: Hey, Lilith, we were just talking about you.
Lilith: Carla, I'm long past caring what anyone in this bar has to say about me. [to Frasier] What did they say?

Rebecca: I am the one who's gonna be all bloated. I'm the one who's gonna gain all the weight, be up all night eating ice cream and pickles, and I'm gonna be the one who's vomiting all morning.
Norm: Yeah? Try doing that with Vera standing over you saying, "You gotta clean up your act, mister."

Rebecca: Can you believe this? I'm not even pregnant, yet he is insisting that the child have his last name. Just give me one good reason why its last name can't be Howe.
Sam: How about this? Howe's a stupid name.
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Sam: Come on. It's not even a name. It's more of a, of a question. Rebecca Howe. Rebecca why. Rebecca who, what, where.
Rebecca: You know, I can make fun of your name, too. Oh, yeah? Malone. Malone. Oh, all right, I'm not very good at it yet.
Sam: Oh, really? Howe surprising. Howe remarkable.

Sam: Come on, when you were a kid, admit it, didn't- didn't people make fun of your name?
Rebecca: Yes, but that was in the context of making fun of many other things. And what makes your name so special?
Sam: I'll tell you why. Because Malone is a very proud old Irish name. When my great grandfather came from County Cork to this city, they actually had signs in some of the windows that said "No Irish need apply". His friends told him to change his name to Smith or something, but he wouldn't do it. He was proud of his name. And when we have a kid, I want, want him to be proud of his name, too. There. Is that reason enough for you?
Rebecca: No.