Sam: Hey, you know, actually, uh, these, uh, windows don't open. You're in a what's called a climate- controlled office.
Norm: Very impressed, Sam, eh?
Cliff: Oh, hey, Sammy, you do look every inch the corporate muckety-muck there, doesn't he?
Sam: Well, you know, I don't want to brag. Mimi, get in here and brag for me, will you? [laughter] Just kidding, Mimi.

Rebecca: [on the phone] Sam, we're over here at Carla's, but things aren't going very well. I thought that maybe you guys could come over and crash the party. You know, something to shake things up a little bit? I'm desperate.
Sam: Oh, really? I bet you're kind of sexy when you're desperate, huh? Breathing heavily?
Rebecca: Sam.
Sam: Is your chest heaving?
Rebecca: Sam, please.
Sam: Is your nightgown clinging to your sweat-soaked body?
Rebecca: Yes.
Sam: We're on our way.

Sam: Hey, hey, hey, huh? How about that? According to vulture time, I bet that's my, uh, wounded little sparrow right now. [answers phone] Hello? Hi, Rebecca. O- Okay. Uh, can you hold one second, please? [to Carla] Quote: "Sam, I need your help." Unquote. [on the phone] Yeah. I'm- l'm taking off right now.

Sam: Just come on. Come here, will you? Look, murder is not the answer to every one of life's little problems, you know that? First of all, you don't even know if he did anything wrong, and second, if he was a little tempted, maybe you pushed him into it.
Carla: Oh, what are you talking about?
Sam: Did you ever think that maybe you aren't exactly nice to the guy?
Carla: Sammy, you know me. This is as nice as it gets.
Sam: But this is the way you handle everything in your life, and it never works.
Carla: Okay, O God of Good Relationships, what do you suggest I do?
Alan: Carla, Carla, you got to let Eddie know how you feel inside. You must embrace him not, not just with your heart, but with your very soul. Give unto him and he will give unto you.
Norm: Okay, no more for this clown.

Sam: Hey, and thank you for not coming on like a psychiatrist.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: What does that mean?
Sam: Well, I know you guys always have your meter going. And I was afraid you were sitting there thinking all sorts of weird, head-shrinking things.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Well, as a professional, you learn to keep those things to yourself.
Sam: So you were thinking those things?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Sam, I really prefer to divorce business from pleasure.
Sam: Absolutely. No, you're right. Were they bad things?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Sam, I really think it's a mistake to pursue this matter any further.
Sam: Oh, great. I bet you wouldn't say that if you were thinking good things. I mean, you'd probably come right out and say it if you were sitting there thinking, "Whoa, you know, this guy is really together and I'm lucky to be with him, and boy, the hair."

Sam: Good news, Woody.
Woody: All right. You finally found Kelly's bedroom?
Sam: No. I met the cutest little chambermaid. She's making popcorn. You want some?
Woody: Sam, how can you think of popcorn when my life and happiness are at stake?
Sam: It's cheddar.
Woody: Ooh, gimme.
Sam: Thank you.

Kelly: Woody, I just can't run off and marry you at the drop of a hat.
Sam: Boy, this is a great little comb. Teeth aren't too wide, nice flexibility, good heft. I've been looking for one of these for my eyebrows.
Kelly: That one's for blondes.
Sam: For... Jeez, you are rich.

Sam: The point is that you should be sharing with each other how you feel. Names don't matter. I'm not saying that you should get married, but...
Kelly: No, no. Let's get married. Oh, that will be a blast.
Sam: Well, whether you get married or not, what's important is to share how you feel... How you feel about him, how he feels about you...
Kelly: Woody, I know he's your friend and all...
Woody: Beat it, Sam.
Sam: Boy, G.l. Joe should come here on leave someday.

Woody: And I know that you're gonna come back to me, and then we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. So I just want to hold this moment in my mind. I just want to look at you one last time, and then I'm going to go. [backs out of the window] Sam? Where's the ladder? Sam. Sam?
[elsewhere:]
TV: Who you gonna call...
Sam & Chambermaid: Ghostbusters!

Sam: Please, please, I... Mrs. Lozupone, I don't mean to be disrespectful here, but, you know, you're not being fair. You're asking your daughter here to-to name her son after a very bad man. And- And you faked death to get her to do it. I mean, these are not your, uh... typical mother things.
Mama Lozupone: Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
Sam: Well, yeah, in this case, yeah, I am. [all gasp]
Carla: Sam.
Sam: What?
Carla: You insulted my mother. In her own house. With the food that we cooked over her deathbed still stuck in your teeth.
Sam: Is that bad? [all hissing]