Quote from Go Make
Sam: Hey, listen, uh, you don't have any advice for a guy who's about to start his family, do you?
Man: Well, you know, it's, like it's no big secret what you need to start a happy family. Love! You know, if a man and woman really love each other, they pass that love onto the kids, and they'll grow up strong and healthy.
Sam: Yeah, well, I mean, I know love's okay and everything, but, uh, you know, what about, uh, those other important things like friendship and a sense of humor?
Man: A sense of humor?
Man: What's that gonna get you? I mean, look at Martin and Lewis. They had a sense of humor. But were they happy?
Sam: No, they weren't.
Man: No, because it takes love.
Sam: You've got a lot of that, huh?
Man: Me? No, I can't stand my missus. It's been 20 years of living hell for me.
Boy #1: [o.s.] Hey look, it's Dad. What's the matter? Can't you even find your way back to the room, you stupid idiot.
Man: Those are the kids.
Boy #2: [o.s.] Come on, Dad, move your fat ass, and give me 50 bucks for the arcade.
Man: On my good days, l, uh, pray for death. Good luck to you, son. You're gonna need it. [Sam closes the door]
Sam: Eh. I bet that wouldn't have happened if he'd named one of his kids Sam.
Quote from One for the Book
Buzz Crowder: Hey, lock up your daughters! The fightin' Double Deuce is on the loose!
Sam: Can I help you?
Buzz Crowder: Well, you should help me. I sure helped you. I was fighting the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers. Where's the rest of my outfit?
Carla: What you got on looks silly enough.
Buzz Crowder: I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd Brigade. I'm meeting them here.
Sam: I hope you're not expecting a whole brigade? I'm kind of low on lemons.
Buzz Crowder: No, no, just the guys from my squad. What's left of 'em. I'm Buzz Crowder.
Quote from The Boys in the Bar
Cliff: Look, look, look. Sammy, look, I've got a simple solution to this whole problem. You just go up to the guys and politely ask them to leave, and everything is back to normal.
Diane: Sam would never do that. Would you, Sam? [off Sam's look] No.
Sam: I'm not sure. These guys are my regulars. If I lose them, I lose my bar. And if single women stop coming in here, I have no reason to live.
Quote from Home Is the Sailor
Carla: Anyway, I really hate her.
Sam: "Her"? Whoa, a woman? Oh, is she married?
Carla: Who'd marry her?
Sam: An unmarried woman. Might take me all of five minutes to get my job back.
Sam: Why? What? Oh, no, what, is she one of those pasty-faced little business school graduates with thick glasses and her hair pulled back so tight she hears through her eyes, one of those?
Carla: She's coming right now. Why don't you be the judge of that?
Sam: Watch this. I came up with a few new grabbers while I was out at sea. [sees Rebecca] Mm-boo-ah.
Quote from One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape
Rebecca: Look, the important thing is that we are as one forevermore. Honeys till the end of time.
Martin Teal: Well, Sam, I guess you wouldn't be interested in spending the next month tending bar at a seaside resort we reopened in Cancun?
Sam: I'm there. Whoa, hey.
Sam: Oh, right. Yeah. Um, that wouldn't be fair to Rebecca here. Who could we get to replace me?
Martin Teal: Oh, no problem. I'll make an exchange with the bartender down there.
Sam: Well, then, I'm out of here. Hey, I'll see you in a month. Adios, amigos! [runs out]
Rebecca: Sam? Sam! Sam! Martin, is this your little way of breaking Sam and me up?
Martin Teal: It's a bona fide offer. I need an experienced man down there.
Rebecca: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that, when Sam gets down there, and he's all alone, he's going to start roving. Well, I can tell you this. You can send Sam away for a month or a year, and he will only think of me.
Sam: [returns] Excuse me. Do they have drug stores down there, or should I pack an extra bag?
Quote from Woody Goes Belly Up
Diane: Look, Sam. Could we be in on the inception of a budding romance?
Sam: You talking about a foursome here?
Diane: How can you make a sweet, innocent flirtation into something tawdry?
Sam: I could tell you, but it'd be a lot more fun to show you.
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