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Achilles Hill

‘Achilles Hill’

Season 9, Episode 15 -  Aired January 10, 1991

Sam spots a way to get back at his upstairs neighbor, John Allen Hill, by dating his daughter Valerie (Valerie Mahaffey).

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Mr. Hill, I just had lunch up at your restaurant and the risotto with bay scallops and fennel... Oh, I think it was the most delicious thing I've ever had to eat.
John: We'll name it for you.
Rebecca: Thank you.
Sam: Hey, come here. I hate this guy. What are you, what are you kissing up to him for?
Rebecca: I'm not kissing up, Sam, I like the food. Sam, you don't have to be jealous. You are a very handsome businessman, and you own the hottest spot in town.
Sam: Oh, oh, thank you very much.
Rebecca: That's kissing up.

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Quote from Sam

John: Sam, I think we both know why I'm here.
Sam: I bet you want the number to my hairstylist. Don't you? Oh, I'm sorry. Now, that was cruel.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Sam, as we both know, I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms.
Sam: Hey, why do you keep repeating that every time you come down here? You're driving me up the wall.
John: That's why. Now where was l? Oh, yes, as you know, I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms, and rent on said property is past due since last Wednesday. I hope you haven't forgotten me, Sam.
Sam: Forgotten you? John, I could never forget you. You're in my bad dreams every night. You're the reason why I'm in therapy for the first time in my life.
John: Well, don't forget to mention to your therapist that I own legal title to y...
Sam: All right, all right, all right, all right. I'll write you your stupid check.

Quote from Sam

Valerie: I don't understand. You just brushed me off.
Sam: Oh, no, no, that was- I just had a problem with the kegs there. Did that seem like a brush-off to you? I'm sorry. See, I wouldn't know. I've never brushed anyone off before. [a woman at the bar scoffs] Listen, I- I really like you a lot, and I'd like to see you again. You know, maybe we could go up to the Cape for a weekend. What do you say? I hear it's really nice up there. I wouldn't know. I've never been there myself. [another woman scoffs] What do you say?
Valerie: Gee, it sounds like fun.
Sam: Good. All right, uh, just make sure you don't tell your father, all right?
Valerie: Good idea. You know, you may not believe this, but I get the feeling he'd rather I didn't see you.
Sam: Oh, well, that's not the problem, really. It's just that I don't like to do my romantic stuff in public. [Sam looks around, expecting another woman to scoff]
Valerie: I don't know, you seemed so forward. You had me sitting on your lap and everything.
Sam: I'm sorry. Did that seem forward? I wouldn't know. I've never done anything like that before.
[Seven different women scoff and then walk out of Cheers]
Valerie: What's wrong with them?
Sam: Oh, uh, well, the blonde has bad sinuses. The rest of them just have bad attitudes!

Quote from Woody

Sam: She's really nice, isn't she, Woody?
Woody: Oh, she's really nice. And sweet and warm and wonderful.
Sam: Yeah?
Woody: Yeah. Back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.
Sam: Yeah, what's that?
Woody: Mom. By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother, you'd better pray that God takes you before I do.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Sam, I heard you say you wanted to get under Mr. Hill's skin.
Sam: Yeah.
Woody: Well, I got a way, but I think it's impossible.
Sam: You're thinking that maybe I should date his daughter? [laughs] Great idea!
Woody: No, no, no, if you really want to get under Mr. Hill's skin, the best way is we shrink you down to microscopic size and then we put you in a syringe and we inject you right into his arm. But I still say it's impossible.
Sam: Oh, I love this. This is a great idea.
Woody: Oh, great. Now I got Sam trying to contradict the immutable laws of science. When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut?

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: What's going on there?
Lilith: There appears to be a man lying in the street.
Rebecca: Oh, my God, it's Woody!
Lilith: Woody.
Rebecca: Excuse us, excuse us. Move back, please, a doctor coming through.
Lilith: Woody, are you all right?
Woody: Don't move me, don't move me!
Rebecca: Don't move him! Somebody get help! [horn honks]
Woody: [gets up] Straighten her out, Sam.
Sam: Thanks, Woods. [parks in the spot]

Quote from Carla

Carla: This foosball table is evil. It's cursed.
Woody: What are you talking about?
Carla: One day, it mysteriously appeared in the alley out back. From the moment we started to play it, this place turned from a nice local tavern into a seething pit of resentment and backstabbing.
Woody: Oh, so that's how it happened.
Carla: I'm telling you, things got ugly around here. One time, the ball flew out and hit Clavin in the eye for no earthly reason. [laughs] It was funny. But it was spooky. That's when I realized that this is an evil foosball table.
Woody: Well, why didn't you get rid of it?
Carla: Well, we tried to throw it away, but the trashman who picked it up slipped and fell backward into traffic. I'll never forget his last words "What the...?"
Frasier: Well, it's, it's not exactly "The Telltale Heart," but it's a pretty good story.
Woody: Gee, Carla, I had no idea. I'll put it right back.
Norm: Hey, Cliffie! Huh? Check it out. The foos table.
Carla: Too late. It has risen from its resting place to feed upon the fat and middle-aged.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Here's my personal check. You'll notice that I made it out to John "You Stink" Hill.
John: Sam, this is not up to your usual standards.
Sam: [blows raspberry]
John: Now it is.

Quote from Sam

Valerie: Well, there seems to be a problem with this check.
Sam: Oh, what? I just made a joke name up. Big deal. All he has to do is make sure he endorses it John "I Stink" Hill. [laughs]
Valerie: No, Mr. Malone, you made it out for too much. You added an extra zero.
Sam: Wow. Oh, well, thank you very much, it's I'm kind of surprised someone as nice as you works for that bald-headed jackass.
Valerie: Oh, I don't work for him. I'm the bald-headed jackass' daughter, Valerie "You Stink" Hill.
Sam: I'm sorry. I-I- l never intended for anyone to see that except John.
Valerie: And all the people at the bank.
Sam: Well, yeah.

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