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Rebecca's Lover... Not

‘Rebecca's Lover... Not’

Season 10, Episode 22 -  Aired April 23, 1992

When Rebecca's high school boyfriend, Mark (Harvey Fierstein), moves to Boston, she has hopes of rekindling their romance. Meanwhile, Sam's beloved Corvette is stolen.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: Oh, hey, Mr. Peterson, that's quite a haircut.
Norm: Yeah, well, they're only halfway done, Woody. I got a little thirsty. You know what I mean? Give me a beer.


Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Normie, I'm gonna miss that car. Here, take a look at that.
Norm: Wow. That's you next to Sammy's 'Vette.
Cliff: Yeah. Truth be told, l, uh I tell the ladies it's mine.
Norm: Yeah. Wait. That's not even your body. It's Sammy's body with your head superimposed.
Cliff: Yeah, you'd be surprised what Ma can do in a darkroom. Yeah. Yeah, we got one of, uh, me at the Yalta conference. Yeah. You- You should see the look that Churchill's giving me.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Mr. Peterson.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: It's your barber on the phone, and he says it's been two days. He wants to know when you're coming back. What should I tell him?
Norm: Tell him what I tell Vera.
Woody: [on the phone] Uh, he'll be home after one more.

Quote from Rebecca

Mark Newberger: Oh, look at you. You're getting goose bumps. Come on, let's cuddle up on the couch with a blanket, huh?
Rebecca: [sighs] So we both like men?
Mark Newberger: Yep.
Rebecca: Are we stupid or what? They're so insincere and they're inconsiderate, rude.
Mark Newberger: They lie, they cheat on you.
Both: Men.
Mark Newberger: You know, things really would have been a lot easier if I was attracted to women.
Rebecca: Me, too.

Quote from Lilith

Woody: Hey, Kelly, how's it going back there?
Kelly: Oh, fine. I just came out to get myself a soda and some suds for the Philster.
Lilith: Kelly, why are you doing this?
Kelly: I want Woody's friends to like me.
Lilith: Did you buy them a round?
Kelly: Yes.
Lilith: You'll never get rid of them.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Here I am.
Mark Newberger: Be still, my heart.
Rebecca: Do you like what you see, Mark?
Mark Newberger: It's gorgeous. Get over here. Give us a feel.
Rebecca: Okay.
Mark Newberger: Fabulous. Give it. Is it silk? Rayon? I don't believe it! So what do you do, you put it in a delicate cycle, let it spin? We have to talk.
Rebecca: Mark, stop joking. You know perfectly well that the point of this nightie is not laundry instructions. The point of this nightie is to...
Mark Newberger: To what?
Rebecca: You know a man and a woman...
Mark Newberger: Where?
Rebecca: Oh, Mark.
Mark Newberger: Rebecca, you know I'm gay, don't you?
Rebecca: Why, of course, I do! Why do you think I feel so comfortable wearing this in front of you? I mean, this is my housecoat! I know it's sexy, but I paint in it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Woody. I hear that you and Kelly are having a hard time getting a wedding ring.
Woody: That's right, Carla. They're pretty expensive, you know.
Carla: Yeah. That's what I thought. And you know, I'm not gonna be able to afford to get you kids the kind of present you really deserve, so, on the way over here I stopped by my bank, and, uh, I took this out of my safety deposit box.
Woody: Oh, Carla, that's a beaut!
Carla: Yeah, I know. It's solid silver. It's been in my family for years. My great uncle Amerigo gave it to my great aunt Sophia, and then I was gonna give it to my youngest girl, but she inherited the Tortelli knuckles.
Woody: Oh, Carla, I could never take it.
Carla: Oh, Woody, I- I want you to have it.
Woody: Well, at least let me give you something for it. I have $500 in my budget.
Carla: Well, if it makes you feel better.
Woody: Well, you know, the thing is, uh, Kelly really prefers gold.
Carla: Oh. Well, I got it in gold, too.
Woody: Perfect.
Carla: Hey, does she need any earrings?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Hi, Woody.
Woody: Oh, hey, Kelly. What are you doing here?
Kelly: I wanted to spend the afternoon with Mr. Peterson and Mr. Clavin.
Woody: Boy, you've been spending a lot of time with them lately. What's up?
Kelly: I thought it would be a good idea for me to get to know your friends.
Woody: Why?
Kelly: Because when we get married, and you turn to me and say, "Kelly, I'm gonna spend a night on the town," and I burst into tears and ask you to spend just one night at home, and you say, "I'm gonna be with my friends," well, I want to know who those friends are.
Lilith: Boy, could I sing a couple bars of that.

Quote from Kelly

Woody: So, what do you guys talk about?
Kelly: Oh, the usual. How the Celtics need a point guard, the Sox need pitching, the fact that there's an exact replica of the earth on the other side of the sun that we can never see.
Woody: Wow. Really? The Sox need pitchers?
Kelly: Well, on this earth. Anyway, Woody, if you'll excuse me now, one of your friends is gonna teach me how to play pool.
Woody: Oh, which one?
Kelly: I don't remember his name, but he's the man from the CIA who trains the Green Berets.
Phil: Let's go, tootsie. We're up.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca::,/strong> Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. It was Mark Newberger. We have not seen each other since graduation night. Oh, Mark Newberger. We met doing The Bad Seed in our sophomore production. He was my first boyfriend. I really loved him. Maybe he was the only guy I've ever really loved. I don't know why I gave him up. Oh, I guess I wanted to go off to college and be free, that whole deal. I don't know. What an idiot. Why would I ever give him up?
Carla: Nobody's listening to you.
Rebecca: I am trying to pretend like I have a friend, okay? Wait. What am I saying? I do have a friend. I don't need to pretend. Mark Newberger is back, and he's better than any friend you have!
Carla: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

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