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‘The Boys in the Bar’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: The Boys in the Bar

116. The Boys in the Bar

Aired January 27, 1983

When Sam publicly supports an old teammate who has just come out, Cliff and Norm worry Cheers will be turned into a gay bar.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I just can't believe it. I mean, the guy was a hound, Diane. He had women everywhere. We'd be on the road, we'd go into hotel lobbies, there'd be three or four women holding up kids.
Diane: He covers that. He covers that.
Sam: Where?
Diane: Here. Here, in this paragraph. You want me to read it?
Sam: No, I'll read it. Right there?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: "From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious, but the greater my fear became of my true sexuality, the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity."
Diane: Does that explain it?
Sam: I don't know. I've only read it once.

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Quote from Sam

Norm: We were looking at your kisser in the morning rag here, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, I saw that.
Diane: Every time I look at this, I feel so proud of you.
Sam: I'm kinda glad I did that now.
Diane: I think you are taking real strides in your development as a human being.
Sam: You know, a couple of other chicks said that to me today. I think this human-being image is going to get me more action than cheap wine.
Diane: Always the high road.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but you've gone so far in proving you're open-minded, Norman. There are two homosexual gentlemen in this bar at this moment.
Jack: Come on. Get outta here.
Diane: They told me they were gay, and they appreciated what Sam had done. That's right. They're here right now and you don't even know who they are.
Jack: Nah, she's kidding. Everybody here checks out all right.
Norm: Well, I don't know. It occurs to me that Cliff hasn't had a date in quite some time.
Jack: He's right.
Cliff: Oh yeah, Norm? Well, how come we've never seen this Vera you're allegedly married to, huh?

Quote from Carla

Carla: So what are we gonna do about these guys, huh?
Diane: Carla, you're not prejudiced against gays, are you?
Carla: Well, I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean, I get enough competition from women. I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet, there isn't going to be anybody left to date, and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [shudders]
Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much, but a little.

Quote from Diane

Norm: We're all agreed, then, huh? Sammy tells these guys to leave, we don't go to Clancy's. Am I right, Sam?
Sam: All right, all right.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: Hey, just leave me alone. I'm running a business here. What do you think I should say to them?
Diane: Oh, well, it's very simple. You just walk up to them and say, "Hello, we're a group of snivelling bigots and we don't care for your kind."
Cliff: That's good. I like that.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Thank you for getting me out of there before I made a complete ass out of myself.
Diane: I was fast but you were faster.
Sam: It wasn't my fault. He should've told me.
Diane: Sam, he told you to read the book.
Sam: Yeah, but...
Diane: He should've known that you'd have been with a woman who thinks Candide is a toenail polish.

Quote from Sam

Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Chickening out on us?
Cliff: Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. I always thought you had more character.
Sam: Hey, listen. Those guys are staying. Anyone else wants to leave, fine.
Norm: Okay, Sam, you know what kind of bar this could turn into?
Sam: It's not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
Diane: That was the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.
Sam: Thank you.

Quote from Diane

Sam: My old roommate, Tom Kenderson, wrote his autobiography, and I'm in it.
Diane: Oh. So, this is a press conference for yet another thick-headed jock epic? Well, there must be confetti all over the Library of Congress, huh?
Sam: Hey, for your information, this one's different. It's got a lot of good stuff in it.
Diane: Like what?
Sam: Well, I haven't read it, actually.
Diane: Oh.
Sam: No, no.
Diane: Didn't want to wear out your lips?

Quote from Sam

Sam: I was supposed to to read it last night, but an emergency came up.
Diane: And what was her name?
Sam: Sherry. But that's not the point. That's not the point. The point is that Tom's book should be really exciting due to the times we had together. You see, it's about us and how we handled the pressures of baseball.
Diane: Oh, yeah.
Sam: A lot of guys handle it differently. Some guys turn to the bottle, some guys chase chicks, and Tom and I couldn't make up our minds so...
Diane: So you did both?
Sam: Yeah.

Quote from Sam

Tom: Before we start, Sam Malone, come up here. [cheers] I'm sure you all remember Sam, and if you don't, chapters seven through nine.
Sam: No, I'm a businessman now. I keep my clothes on, most of the time.
Reporter #1: So, you two were real close?
Sam: For three years we did everything together. I mean, no one ever saw us apart.
Reporter #2: Well, Sam, it must have been quite a shock to you when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet.
Sam: Oh, whoa, you mean in Detroit? When I was with the waitress, and he came out of the closet and he was wearing a... That's not what you're talking about, is it?
Cliff: Yikes.
Sam: Is this some kind of joke, Tom?
Tom: I wanted you to read the book, Sam. It's still hard for me to tell people from the old days.
Reporter #1: Sam, you said you two used to do everything together?
Sam: No, no, you misunderstood that. No. As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say, "You two are best friends, yet you're completely different."

Quote from Diane

Sam: OK. Closing time. Everybody out. Harry, how did you get in here?
Harry: I came in the back door.
Sam: I don't have a back door, Harry.
Harry: Well, then, it's my secret.
Diane: I've been serving him all night.
Sam: Hey, Diane, you know I don't like this flimflam man hanging around my bar.
Diane: Oh, Sam, that's a bit unfair, isn't it? Anyone with half a brain can see through his petty scams and tricks.
Harry: You're too kind. Thanks.
Sam: I hope he doesn't try to pull anything on you.
Diane: Me? It is to laugh.
Harry: Diane, you know, I like you, you're a smart chick. Let me help you clean up. You gotta keep the cover on this table, you know when you're not using it, because the heat from the lights will crack the felt. Gotta take care of it.
Diane: Harry, I'll take care of it. You can leave.
Harry: Okay. Okay. Let me save you a couple of steps with the check anyway. I'll pay Sam.
Diane: Oh, oh, thanks. [hands Harry the check]
Harry: Take care of that table now.
Diane: Men can't make beds, either.
Harry: OK, Sam. Thanks a lot. Goodnight.
Sam: Harry. Harry, the bill.
Harry: Oh, it's OK, I paid Diane.
Sam: Harry, I don't trust you.
Harry: Diane, will you tell Sam it's covered?
Diane: It's covered.

Quote from Diane

Diane: I'm sorry I'm late, but wait till you hear what I've been doing. This afternoon, I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.
Carla: Your room?
Diane: I'm telling you, it was incredible. Never have I felt more aware and sensitive to what's going on around me.
Man: Excuse me.
Diane: Oh, excuse me. You see, the whole idea is that there's a total lack of sensory input. [looks around] What the hell's going on here?
Cliff: It's a book promotion party.
Diane: How can that be in a place where no one can read?

Quote from Coach

Coach: I always loved that kid Tommy. I mean, he was just a riot. He was always pulling something.
Cliff: Is that right?
Coach: Yeah, like, he put my toothbrush in a pair of sweaty socks. He left dead animals in my locker. One time, him and some guys held me down and shaved my whole body.
Cliff: Coach, you just let him do that to you?
Coach: No, no, Cliff. What I did was- He was trying to cram me into one of these clothes dryers one day. I pulled his socks right over his spikes.
Norm: Good one, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, the guys, what a laugh the guys got. I could see them through that little window. They were laughing.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Tommy, it's so good to see you.
Tom: Hey, Coach, good to see you. How you doing?
Coach: Just great. Tommy, you remember the time you put the analgesic balm in my jockstrap?
Tom: Yeah.
Coach: I think of you every time I get the itch.
Tom: Well, it's good to be remembered, Coach.

Quote from Sam

Diane: He was denying who he was. He's no longer doing that.
Sam: I should've known. I remember sitting in a piano bar and he requested a show tune.

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