Sam: I just can't believe it. I mean, the guy was a hound, Diane. He had women everywhere. We'd be on the road, we'd go into hotel lobbies, there'd be three or four women holding up kids.
Diane: He covers that. He covers that.
Sam: Where?
Diane: Here. Here, in this paragraph. You want me to read it?
Sam: No, I'll read it. Right there?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: "From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious, but the greater my fear became of my true sexuality, the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity."
Diane: Does that explain it?
Sam: I don't know. I've only read it once.

Diane: Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but you've gone so far in proving you're open-minded, Norman. There are two homosexual gentlemen in this bar at this moment.
Jack: Come on. Get outta here.
Diane: They told me they were gay, and they appreciated what Sam had done. That's right. They're here right now and you don't even know who they are.
Jack: Nah, she's kidding. Everybody here checks out all right.
Norm: Well, I don't know. It occurs to me that Cliff hasn't had a date in quite some time.
Jack: He's right.
Cliff: Oh yeah, Norm? Well, how come we've never seen this Vera you're allegedly married to, huh?

Carla: So what are we gonna do about these guys, huh?
Diane: Carla, you're not prejudiced against gays, are you?
Carla: Well, I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean, I get enough competition from women. I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet, there isn't going to be anybody left to date, and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [shudders]
Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much, but a little.

Norm: We're all agreed, then, huh? Sammy tells these guys to leave, we don't go to Clancy's. Am I right, Sam?
Sam: All right, all right.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: Hey, just leave me alone. I'm running a business here. What do you think I should say to them?
Diane: Oh, well, it's very simple. You just walk up to them and say, "Hello, we're a group of snivelling bigots and we don't care for your kind."
Cliff: That's good. I like that.

Norm: We were looking at your kisser in the morning rag here, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, I saw that.
Diane: Every time I look at this, I feel so proud of you.
Sam: I'm kinda glad I did that now.
Diane: I think you are taking real strides in your development as a human being.
Sam: You know, a couple of other chicks said that to me today. I think this human-being image is going to get me more action than cheap wine.
Diane: Always the high road.

Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Chickening out on us?
Cliff: Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. I always thought you had more character.
Sam: Hey, listen. Those guys are staying. Anyone else wants to leave, fine.
Norm: Okay, Sam, you know what kind of bar this could turn into?
Sam: It's not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
Diane: That was the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.
Sam: Thank you.

Sam: Thank you for getting me out of there before I made a complete ass out of myself.
Diane: I was fast but you were faster.
Sam: It wasn't my fault. He should've told me.
Diane: Sam, he told you to read the book.
Sam: Yeah, but...
Diane: He should've known that you'd have been with a woman who thinks Candide is a toenail polish.

Sam: My old roommate, Tom Kenderson, wrote his autobiography, and I'm in it.
Diane: Oh. So, this is a press conference for yet another thick-headed jock epic? Well, there must be confetti all over the Library of Congress, huh?
Sam: Hey, for your information, this one's different. It's got a lot of good stuff in it.
Diane: Like what?
Sam: Well, I haven't read it, actually.
Diane: Oh.
Sam: No, no.
Diane: Didn't want to wear out your lips?

Sam: I was supposed to to read it last night, but an emergency came up.
Diane: And what was her name?
Sam: Sherry. But that's not the point. That's not the point. The point is that Tom's book should be really exciting due to the times we had together. You see, it's about us and how we handled the pressures of baseball.
Diane: Oh, yeah.
Sam: A lot of guys handle it differently. Some guys turn to the bottle, some guys chase chicks, and Tom and I couldn't make up our minds so...
Diane: So you did both?
Sam: Yeah.

Tom: Before we start, Sam Malone, come up here. [cheers] I'm sure you all remember Sam, and if you don't, chapters seven through nine.
Sam: No, I'm a businessman now. I keep my clothes on, most of the time.
Reporter #1: So, you two were real close?
Sam: For three years we did everything together. I mean, no one ever saw us apart.
Reporter #2: Well, Sam, it must have been quite a shock to you when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet.
Sam: Oh, whoa, you mean in Detroit? When I was with the waitress, and he came out of the closet and he was wearing a... That's not what you're talking about, is it?
Cliff: Yikes.
Sam: Is this some kind of joke, Tom?
Tom: I wanted you to read the book, Sam. It's still hard for me to tell people from the old days.
Reporter #1: Sam, you said you two used to do everything together?
Sam: No, no, you misunderstood that. No. As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say, "You two are best friends, yet you're completely different."