Woody: Were you scared, Sam?
Sam: Are you kidding? I saw my hair pass before my eyes. It was unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it.

Sam: Honey, I have a little favor to ask you. See, somebody out there has got my little black book.
Rebecca: So?
Carla: So some guy is calling all the girls in it and saying he's Sam.
Norm: Right. And he sets up dates with them and has them put on sexy outfits and I guess he spies on them.
Rebecca: It sounds like you, Sam.
Sam: No, but it's not bad.
Carla: Anyways... We want to use you to help us set a trap for this fiend.
Rebecca: Why would I want to help Sam get back his great big book of bimbos?
Carla: Because you're the next great big bimbo he's going to call.
Rebecca: What? Why am I in the list of women you've gone to bed with?
Sam: They're not all women that I've gone to bed with. It's just the important women in my life, you know? I mean, the women I've gone to bed with, my cleaning lady, my mother, and you. Of course, now that I've gone to bed with my cleaning lady, that just leaves them, Mom, and you.

Carla: Did she fall for it?
Sam: Hook, line, and... Sammy.
Carla: Do you believe this? Did you ever think this day would come?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I never had any doubt there, Carla. Behold a sealed envelope. Will you please open it and read the contents.
Carla: Mm-hmm. "l, Sam Malone, will sleep with Rebecca Howe on the night of April 19th, 1990." When did you write this?
Sam: This morning. I write a new one every day.

Sam: What is it with these machines, anyway? Computers faxes, voice mail. You know, when I ran this place in the old days, I had everything I needed right up here.
Frasier: Brains, Sam?
Sam: No, good hair. Brains... [scoffs] I'm serious, you know. Good looks can open doors. Good hair blows them off their hinges.

Norm: What the heck, you know, easy come, easy go, Sammy. It was found money, I figured, so why not do something that I always wanted to do with it. So, I went down, and I bought a boat. Isn't it a beauty?
Sam: I can't believe that, man.
Norm: What?
Sam: You spent it?
Norm: Hah...
Sam: After all those years of me carrying you while you were unemployed?!
Norm: Well yeah, but...
Sam: You're my friend? I- I listen to all your stupid little comments every day? I- I let you run up the largest bar tab in history, and then you come into some money and you tell me you don't pay me back? You- You spend it on a stupid boat?! Well, I hope you and the stupid boat sink! You big deadbeat!
Norm: Sammy, l... I bought the boat for you. See, it's, it's the Mayday Malone, see?
Sam: I mean, thank you.

Carla: [phone rings] Must be the agent. Hello?
Sam: Carla, hi!
Carla: Sam?
Sam: How you doing?
Carla: Terrible! We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, waiting for someone to pick us up.
Sam: You're all alone?
Carla: Yeah, for about 200 miles.
Sam: Wow! Is it cold?
Carla: Yeah, Sam, I'm cold. I'm freezing. I'm thinking about hugging Clavin.
Sam: Boy, what a shame. Hey, listen, honey, you remember, uh, last Halloween when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me making me think that Gary was dead and that I was responsible for it?
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Well... gotcha!

Sam: Oh... oh, my God.
Fire Marshal Dobbins: Mr. Malone. Everything's under control. The fire's out, no one was hurt. It was basically confined to this end of the bar.
Sam: Oh... Oh, this is terrible. How did... This is my bar. Oh, man. Oh, oh, yes, wait a minute. [laughing loudly] Oh, thank God! Whoo! [laughs] This is great. This is really good.
Fireman: I'm sorry?
Sam: Gary, you know, from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern? Oh, we're doing always doing pranks like this, you know. First, he makes the bar look like it burned down, and then he gets you guys to go along with it. You are very good. Whoo! Come on, lighten up, will you? Come on, Gary! Come on out. Hey, you know, time to push the button, make everything go back together again, Gary. Gary! It's not Gary, is it?

Carla: Sammy. How could you have a problem worse? You're perfect. You don't even know what the rest of the world is like.
Sam: Honey, I... I'm not perfect.
Carla: Oh, yeah, right.
Sam: All right, you really want to know? Watch this.
Carla: [gasps] Holy Mother of God! Oh, Sammy! You wear a rug!
Sam: It's not a rug! It's not a rug! It's a hair replacement system.

Carla: Oh, Sammy! Look at you, you're bald! All this time, the great Sam Malone's hair is nothing but a fraud!
Sam: Hey, at least I didn't sleep with Paul!
Carla: Paul, Schmall, that's nothing!
Sam: Yeah, nothing. It was a pretty big deal a minute ago.
Carla: Yeah, well, that was before I found out you wear a piece.
Sam: Hair replacement system! Hair replacement system! You know, if you're not going to use the proper terminology, I think I'd just like to be by myself right now.
Carla: Sammy, I- l'm sorry. It's just that you caught me by surprise.
Sam: Yeah, well, imagine how it caught me when, on the morning of August 12, 1989, I looked in the sink and... I'm sorry, I thought I could talk about it.

Sam: [on TV] The Graf-Everett final may be a good match-up, but if you ask this I on Sports, the fact that Martina Navratilova decided to sit this one out
Norm: Ooh, to say "Martina Navra- whoever" without even-
Sam: [on TV] You know, I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that old squares like me shouldn't be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight's commentary is directed right at you. [hip-hop music plays] [Sam raps:] Time to rap about a controversy Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy A lot of folks say jocks shouldn't be Doing the sports news on TV I don't want to hear the latest scores From a bunch of old broadcasting school bores So get your scores from a guy like me Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury G-G-Groin, g-g-groin G-G-Groin injury. [music stops] Joanne.
Joanne: [on TV] Dr. Buzz, there must be some weather.