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‘Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real

1023. Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real

Aired April 30, 1992

When a new owner takes over Gary's Olde Towne Tavern, Sam wants to start a prank war that they can win for once. Meanwhile, Rebecca gets a magazine makeover.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Come on. It's a golden opportunity. We can win this time. We can steal all of Gary's best ideas and use 'em against this new guy. And you remember how Gary's always going first? We can learn from that. We can move first ourselves.
Frasier: Very good, Sam. As that famous prankster Santayana once said, "Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it."
Woody: You got that right, Doctor Crane. Back in high school I was condemned to repeat History three times. By the way, the same goes for Mathematics.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: Boy, every time I set foot in this place, it gives me the creeps.
All: Norm!
Cliff: How do they know you in here?
Norm: Hey, Sammy closes on Christmas morning. Okay?

Quote from Sam

Carla: [phone rings] Must be the agent. Hello?
Sam: Carla, hi!
Carla: Sam?
Sam: How you doing?
Carla: Terrible! We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, waiting for someone to pick us up.
Sam: You're all alone?
Carla: Yeah, for about 200 miles.
Sam: Wow! Is it cold?
Carla: Yeah, Sam, I'm cold. I'm freezing. I'm thinking about hugging Clavin.
Sam: Boy, what a shame. Hey, listen, honey, you remember, uh, last Halloween when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me making me think that Gary was dead and that I was responsible for it?
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Well... gotcha!

Quote from Norm

Sam: Hey, guys, you're not gonna believe this. Gary sold The Olde Towne Tavern.
Cliff: No!
Carla: Get out!
Sam: No kidding. He sold it to this guy named Frank. Uh, runs a bunch of bars in other cities. He's already in.
Woody: Wait a minute. This means that any bar tab run under the previous management would automatically be null and void, right?
Sam: You have a bar tab at Gary's?
Norm: Not anymore, Sam.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it now. You mean when all is said and done, at the end of this, I'm still going to have a tab at Gary's?
Sam: Yes, Norm.
Norm: That bastard, let's get him.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Oh, that's all right, Dr. Crane, we all get scared. For example, when Mr. Clavin sees that clown outside the car wash, he starts screaming at the top of his lungs.
Cliff: I got a phobia, okay? Let me tell you a story here about a sweet little eight-year-old called Cliff Clavin. On his eighth birthday, his ma hires a clown. Great idea, right? Except for one thing. None of the other kids show up. So here I am with this clown for five hours. Just me and him, back and forth... "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." I keep screaming, "Enough, enough," but, no, Ma wanted to get her money's worth.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Now let me get this straight, Sam. This, this was all your doing? [Sam laughing] The exploding door and all that damage that you did to your own bar? [Sam laughing]
Lilith: The expense of paying all the people involved? The bus fare to get your stooges all the way out to North Dakota?
Sam: It cost me a fortune! I had to take out a loan! [laughs] I'll be paying it off for ten years! [falls to the floor with laughter]
Frasier: Well, I guess the joke certainly is on them, isn't it?

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Say, uh, Norm, want to go back and, uh, shoot some stick?
Norm: Oh, I'd love to, Cliffie, but I'm busy talking on the phone with Vera.
Cliff: Huh?
Norm: Which reminds me. [walks over to the payphone] Uh, what are you talking about? I'm listening to every single word. [to Cliff] Got this down to a science. Give me a refill, please, Woody.

Quote from Woody

Police Officer: Do you have any idea who you're dealing with here?
Sam: What do you mean?
Police Officer: How do I explain it to you? Um, this guy Frank is kind of "connected," if you know what I mean.
Woody: Wow, he wears a pacemaker? Oh, now I really feel bad.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: If I may interject, I think you've all seen too many Godfather movies.
Woody: I agree. Should have stopped at two.
Frasier: That notwithstanding, I don't think we should run off in a panic here. Don't you see what we're doing? We're stereotyping these people and letting our irrational fears convince us that they intend to do us bodily harm in some cold-blooded fashion. Now, with that said, I will bid you all a fond adieu for a couple of weeks. Lilith, Frederick and I are going on vacation.
Lilith: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Oh, don't you remember that trip we talked about, dear?
Lilith: We didn't plan a trip.
Frasier: Oh, it'll all come back to you in the cab. Let's go. Come on.
Lilith: But I need my briefcase.
Frasier: No, leave it, woman! Move!

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: It took a team of four men 12 hours, but I think I'm worth it. What do you think?
Sam: About what?
Rebecca: About me! About the new way I look.
Sam: Hey, honey, we're a little busy right now. Do you mind? I mean, we just found out that we insulted a mob boss and he's threatened to kill us. We could be in a little bit of trouble right now.
Rebecca: But I'm blonde. See?
Carla: You don't get it, do you, Rebecca? This isn't a game. We could all get killed.
Rebecca: Yeah, but look. Even my roots are blonde.
Norm: Rebecca, would you just shut up for a second, please?
Rebecca: All right, fine. I'll just go show people who are less self-absorbed. [opens door] Hey, everybody, look at me! Look at me!

Quote from Cliff

Woody: So Miss Howe's gonna be in Redbook. Well, what is that? Some kind of fashion magazine?
Cliff: Oh, no, no. It's, uh, more than a fashion magazine, Woody. It, it's about today's women. You know, who they are, uh, their wants, their needs.
Norm: Cliffie, you read Redbook?
Cliff: I don't so much as read it, Norm. l, uh, I do take some of the quizzes, though. Would you believe that I'm actually autumn complected?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I assume you've just come from the new Olde Towne Tavern.
Cliff: Yeah, we went for an often used stunt, but one that's sure to bring a smile. [laughs]
Norm: We teepeed the whole front of the place.
Frasier: And how will they know that you're the dastardly ones that did the deed?
Lilith: Good question. Could have been the Mensa chapter from M.l.T.
Carla: Ah, we soaped their windows "Regards from your friends at Cheers."
Norm: Yeah, and I threw a few packs of "Cheers" matches with our address in there.
Cliff: Yeah, I stuck my head in the door and yelled, "Cheers rules!"
Sam: Yeah, if they can't figure that out, they're the stupidest bar in town.
Frasier: Ooh, I wouldn't go that far, Sam.

Quote from Woody

Norm: So all we got to do now is, uh, sit back and see what these guys are made out of.
Sam: Yeah, I can't wait to see what weenie retaliation Frank comes up with, huh?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it'll be the standard novice stuff. You know, rubber rat behind the bar or something.
Carla: Yeah, stealing the sign out front.
Woody: Having 20 pizzas delivered.
Sam: Oh!
Cliff: Yeah, whatever it is, there won't be any imagination connected to it. These guys are rookies. They'll just come up with something pathetic.
[An explosion outside knocks the front door clean off]
Woody: Well, we better get this cleaned up before the pizza arrives.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: The only thing we can do is go over and apologize to Frank "The Angel of Death" Carpaccio.
Norm: Nah, Cliffie, that's not gonna do it. We have to go over there and beg like dogs.
Cliff: Okay.
Sam: Oh, no, wait a second, wait a second.
Norm: What?
Sam: I just had a thought here.
Norm: What?
Sam: Who would like to see us beg more than anyone else in the whole world?
Norm: Sammy, you don't suppose Vera's behind this whole thing, do you?

Quote from Sam

Frank Carpaccio: Say, you're the, uh, barmaid over there, aren't you, at Cheers?
Carla: Yeah, I am.
Frank Carpaccio: Hey, you know, we need a new one over here. We had one, but, uh, she was a big blabbermouth. [laughs]
Carla: Sorry, I got a job.
Sam: Actually, you know, we were thinking, this being a new business and all, we thought, you know, maybe you could use a few extra customers. So, just to show you we're not, uh, having any hard feelings here, we thought we'd fill the place up for you.
Carla: You know who's really a thirsty bunch, Sam? Firemen.
Sam: Oh, that's a good idea, firemen. Now, how can we get firemen in here in a hurry?
Carla: You just leave it to me.
[After Carla smashes the fire alarm, the guys from Cheers pull out umbrellas and cover themselves]
Sam: How's that, Gary, wet enough for you?
All: Singing in the rain...
Frank Carpaccio: Hey, what the hell is this?! You people don't know who you're fooling around with! You're dead! You're dead, do you hear me? Your family, dead! Your friends, dead! Your pet, dead! Dead, dead, dead!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, I understand congratulations are in order. You beat Gary at his own game. Gee, I wish I could have been there with you when you did it.
Carla: Well, maybe you could have if you hadn't run out of here with your tail between your legs.
Frasier: Well, Carla, in my profession we encourage people to go with their feelings, and at that time my feelings were stark, gibbering terror and borderline incontinence.

Quote from Carla

Agent Carmichael: Listen, people, we've got to act quickly here. We're moving in on Carpaccio sometime during the week. In the meantime, we'll have to relocate all of you until he's safely behind bars.
Inspector Hanson: We have to get moving right away. There's a bus outside.
Carla: What about my kids?
Agent Carmichael: Well, we'll assign an agent to take care of them.
Carla: Will he have a gun?
Agent Carmichael: Oh, yes, he will.
Carla: Then he's got a fighting chance.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Oh, it's the film critic at Channel 11.
Norm: No, it's the anchorman at Channel Eight.
Cliff: You want to, uh autograph?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. [clears his throat]
Cliff: Uh, excuse me.
Norm: Hey, uh...
John Kerry: Hi, guys. How are you?
Cliff: Hey, uh, we're really big fans of yours.
Norm: Yeah.
John Kerry: Oh, well.
Cliff: Can we get your autograph?
John Kerry: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh, here, let me get something to write on.
Norm: Need a pen?
John Kerry: Yeah.
Norm: A full-service autograph. What a guy!
Cliff: Oh, yeah. You know, I love that, uh, that report you did on that train wreck. You know, they ought to get you for 60 Minutes as an anchor.
John Kerry: No, I...
Norm: Pulitzer Prize.
John Kerry: I'm John Kerry, Senator Kerry. From Massachusetts.
Norm: Oh, our Senator! I'm sorry, man. I'm- l'm so sorry.
Cliff: Sir.
Norm: We didn't mean to bother you.
Cliff: Sorry to bother you. Hey, wait, Norm, maybe he knows Senator Gopher from The Love Boat.
Norm: Hey, yo! Hey! Hey!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Rebecca, I can't possibly think why you would need a makeover. You're always impeccably dressed. You're constantly alluring without being overstated. [Lilith enters the bar]
Rebecca: Well, thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: Your eye makeup gives you a certain feline quality. It's irresistible.
Rebecca: Mm.
Frasier: And I can't see how anyone could possibly improve on the way your hair cascades down your face in that peekaboo fashion. [Lilith sits down next to Frasier] Much like my own darling Lilith. Speak of the devil! Not that you're a devil, of course. Just, uh, the total opposite. In fact, you're the complete opposite of the devil. You're i.e., an angel.
Lilith: There's no need to be nervous, Frasier. It's perfectly natural for you to be attracted to other women. It shows you have a, a healthy sex drive. I'm attracted to other men.
Frasier: Oh, no, not this game again.
Lilith: Let's see, where shall I begin? [a man walks by] Yowsa!

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