Sam: Well, guys, that's another half-hour that we wouldn't have had if we hadn't have gotten off that boat.
Norm: I tell you, a brush with death like that really changes you. From now on, I'm really going to appreciate beer.

Cliff: Ah, yes, Rebecca. Wasn't that the maiden King David spied taking a bath in her birthday suit?
Norm: No, I think that was Bathsheba. I think Rebecca is the one who turned into a pillar of salt.
Cliff: No, that was Lot's wife. She didn't have a name of her own.
Woody: What did Lot do with her after she turned into salt?
Norm: Kept her by the pretzels, I bet.
Woody: Did they have pretzels in biblical times?
Norm: Yeah. I think I just had one, too.

Woody: Miss Howe, can I have tomorrow off?
Rebecca: Woody, I pay you for 40 hours a week. I expect 40 hours work. Besides, I need you to take me to go get my car once it's finished being detailed.
Woody: What time will that be?
Rebecca: Right after my beauty shop appointment. I'm getting cellophane highlights put in my hair, then I'm gonna have a manicure and a pedicure.
Woody: A pedicure?
Rebecca: Yeah. I have a date with Robin tonight and I might want to play footsie.
Woody: All right, I can drive you.
Rebecca: Good.
Woody: But after that, if there's time, could I take off?
Rebecca: Good, Woody, what is so all-fired important about your stupid life?
Woody: Well, I cook and deliver meals to elderly shut-ins.
Rebecca: Oh.
Woody: You know, I normally do it on my day off, but this week on my day off I'm doing a walk-a-thon for illiteracy. We're against it.
Rebecca: Well, then that would be all right.
Woody: Oh, Miss Howe. Wait. I'm recycling glass bottles. I want this world to be clean for our children. I mean, my children. Or your children. Or our children. Seeing as how you've got a date with someone else tonight, it seems like a long shot.
Rebecca: Woody, you're so good, and I'm so bad. I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel like killing myself.
Woody: Oh, I also volunteer for a suicide hotline. [hands Rebecca a card] We do good things.