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‘I on Sports’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: I on Sports

602. I on Sports

Aired October 1, 1987

Sam's old friend, Dave Richards, asks him to fill in as the sports presenter on the news.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [on TV] The Graf-Everett final may be a good match-up, but if you ask this I on Sports, the fact that Martina Navratilova decided to sit this one out
Norm: Ooh, to say "Martina Navra- whoever" without even-
Sam: [on TV] You know, I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that old squares like me shouldn't be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight's commentary is directed right at you. [hip-hop music plays] [Sam raps:] Time to rap about a controversy Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy A lot of folks say jocks shouldn't be Doing the sports news on TV I don't want to hear the latest scores From a bunch of old broadcasting school bores So get your scores from a guy like me Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury G-G-Groin, g-g-groin G-G-Groin injury. [music stops] Joanne.
Joanne: [on TV] Dr. Buzz, there must be some weather.

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Quote from Sam

[on TV:]
Sam: Tonight I'm going to tackle the issue that's tearing professional sports apart: natural grass or artificial turf? Now this reporter's not afraid to say that he's firmly in favor of natural grass. It's softer, causes fewer injuries, and let's face it, folks: it looks prettier on TV. That's just one guy's opinion. Joanne?
Joanne: Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere that in an indoor stadium it's impossible to grow real grass.
Sam: Well, yes, yes, uh... In indoor stadiums, you have to use the fake stuff.
Dr. Buzz: And I've heard that some of the more recent synthetic blends actually do help reduce injuries.
Sam: Oh. Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc. That's pretty amazing.
Joanne: So what are you saying here, Sam?
Sam: Well, I guess I'm saying that I could go either way on it.
Joanne: So you have no opinion on this?
Sam: No, I have two opinions. And that's one guy's opinions.

Quote from Rebecca

Dave Richards: Excuse me. The alarm just went off. [to Rebecca] I make an ungodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.
Rebecca: You must be a friend of Mr. Malone's.
Dave Richards: Well, you know what they say, "The good-looking ones travel in pairs." And, uh, that's certainly true in your case.
Rebecca: Do you have the time?
Dave Richards: 4:30.
Rebecca: Good, 'cause I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
Dave Richards: [Sam laughs] Tough woman, tough woman.
Sam: You got that right. I wear a cup to work.

Quote from Woody

Norm: Well, I suppose he's out wandering the streets, rapping incoherently.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, but what if he comes in? What are we going to say to him?
Norm: Well, just tell him he was brave.
Cliff: Yeah, like a kamikaze pilot.
Woody: Wow, I always wanted to meet one of those guys. The stories they must tell, huh?

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Let's see. As news rappers go, I thought you were fine. But maybe rapping has just been kind of done to death.
Sam: Oh, no, you think so? I mean, I'd hate to think I looked stupid out there.
Rebecca: No, no, not at all.
Norm: No, no, no, it's just that it's not unique anymore, Sam. I mean, uh, you know, it'd be one thing if you were the first guy to rap, but they're rapping on stations all over town. You don't want to be the last on a long train of rappers.
Cliff: Yeah, Norm is right there, Sammy. I mean, you got to do something different. Do something revolutionary, something that no sportscaster does anymore. You know, like, uh read the sports.
Sam: You know, I have been working on something, but I was afraid it was too much. But if you guys think that rapping's old hat you know, I just may give it a shot. I'm going to work on it right now, as a matter of fact. [exits]
Norm: Suppose we ought to stop him?
Cliff: Oh, no, wait a minute. How do we know it's going to be another bad idea? I mean, it couldn't be as bad as tonight, could it?
[later:]
Sam: [on TV with a puppet] [high-pitched voice] Hi, everybody. [normal voice] Hi, Little Sam. Are you ready for tonight's...
Carla: Oh, my God.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Ah, poor Sammy. Bet you they fired him after that display, huh? Yeah, I guess he won't be showing his face around here tonight.
Carla: Would you come into a place where everyone thought you were a complete idiot? Never mind.

Quote from Woody

Dave Richards: This is the Big Dave Machine saying good night and may the sports be with you. [exits]
Norm: You know, I bet if you held your ear up to his, you could hear the ocean.
Woody: I'll have to try it sometime.
Cliff: It, uh, may not work for you.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Well, I better hire a relief bartender. [picks up the phone] Hello? Is there somebody on this phone?
Woody: Oh, uh, hi, Miss Howe. It's- It's me, Woody.
Rebecca: Woody, are you using this phone?
Woody: No, no, not really.
Rebecca: What are you doing, Woody?
Woody: Oh, I'm just standing here holding it.
Rebecca: Woody, hang up the phone, please. I have to hire another bartender now.
Woody: Oh, no, Miss Howe, I'm really sorry. I swear I'll never do it again.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Yeah, it was pure Musburger, Sammy.
Norm: Sammy, it was the single greatest exhibition of sportscasting I've ever seen in my life. And I am not just saying that in order to get a free beer. If the spirit does move you, Sammy, I take a size 12 sudsy.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: You know, Mr. Malone, you haven't been dealing fairly with me.
Sam: I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just that this this means a lot to me.
Rebecca: And now I suppose you're going to ask me for the rest of the week off.
Sam: Yeah, I know, it's a lot to ask.
Rebecca: No, it isn't. You're on.
Sam: Oh, great. What, am I fired or something?
Rebecca: Not at all. Look, I figure one of two things will happen: either you'll do well, they'll offer you a job and I'll never see you again; or you'll screw up, humiliate yourself and come back here a crushed and broken man. Either way, I win.

Quote from Rebecca

[on TV:]
Sam: I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two. Don't you agree, Little Sam?
Little Sam: No, I think you're full of hooey. If I paid five bucks to get in the ballpark, I want to see them win now.
Sam: Oh, what do you know? Your head's wooden.
Little Sam: Well, your lips are moving.
[in Cheers:]
Rebecca: If either of them mentions the bar, I'm suing.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [on TV] And now for the I on Sports commentary. You know, the world is full of negative people. Okay, so the Sox aren't having such a great season, but that's no reason to boo and say bad things about them. You know, I don't know where I heard it, but I thought you were supposed to root, root, root for the home team. So the next time you're in Fenway, you can't yell something nice, don't yell anything at all. This has been just one guy's opinion. Joanne?
Joanne: Thank you, Sam. You've given us all a lot to think about. We'll be right back with the weather after this message.

Quote from Woody

Carla: I hate this uniform. It is ugly. It makes me look like a beached whale. And on top of everything I can't find any earrings to go with it.
Sam: Try some broccoli.
Carla: Ha-ha-ha! I mean it, Sam. I really hate it.
Woody: Oh, I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it. Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.
Sam: Listen, I'm not a big fan of them either but let's just give it our best here. Come on. Come on.
Carla: Come on, Sam, can't you just talk to the Iron Maiden? Convince her to get rid of them. Come on.
Sam: Oh, Miss Howe, uh, about the uniforms.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm glad you reminded me. The dry cleaning plant is on strike. Now, we may not have fresh uniforms for at least a week, so I want you to be extra careful with those. [exits]
Sam: [pours beverages down shirt] Oops.
Carla: [uses water hose to drench uniform] Oh, no.
Woody: Um you guys are going to get it. Didn't you hear what Miss Howe just got through... [Sam and Carla mess up Woody's uniform] [laughing] I get it. [Woody pours orange juice over his uniform]

Quote from Woody

Woody: I know who you are. I've seen you on the news. I can't believe it. Hey, everybody. It's Dave Richards, Channel 10.
Dave Richards: Channel 13.
Woody: Oh, sorry. Never mind.

Quote from Sam

Dave Richards: Sam, I got a proposition for you.
Sam: No, no, no if she's not good enough for you, I sure don't want her.
Dave Richards: No, no, it's nothing like that. You see, I have to give up my TV spot, I on Sports. They're looking for a fill-in for the week and I thought you might be interested.
Sam: Boy, sports on TV I've never really considered that. [with deep voice] Think I'd be any good at it?

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