[on TV:]
Sam: Tonight I'm going to tackle the issue that's tearing professional sports apart: natural grass or artificial turf? Now this reporter's not afraid to say that he's firmly in favor of natural grass. It's softer, causes fewer injuries, and let's face it, folks: it looks prettier on TV. That's just one guy's opinion. Joanne?
Joanne: Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere that in an indoor stadium it's impossible to grow real grass.
Sam: Well, yes, yes, uh... In indoor stadiums, you have to use the fake stuff.
Dr. Buzz: And I've heard that some of the more recent synthetic blends actually do help reduce injuries.
Sam: Oh. Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc. That's pretty amazing.
Joanne: So what are you saying here, Sam?
Sam: Well, I guess I'm saying that I could go either way on it.
Joanne: So you have no opinion on this?
Sam: No, I have two opinions. And that's one guy's opinions.

Sam: [on TV] The Graf-Everett final may be a good match-up, but if you ask this I on Sports, the fact that Martina Navratilova decided to sit this one out
Norm: Ooh, to say "Martina Navra- whoever" without even-
Sam: [on TV] You know, I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that old squares like me shouldn't be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight's commentary is directed right at you. [hip-hop music plays] [Sam raps:] Time to rap about a controversy Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy A lot of folks say jocks shouldn't be Doing the sports news on TV I don't want to hear the latest scores From a bunch of old broadcasting school bores So get your scores from a guy like me Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury G-G-Groin, g-g-groin G-G-Groin injury. [music stops] Joanne.
Joanne: [on TV] Dr. Buzz, there must be some weather.

Dave Richards: Excuse me. The alarm just went off. [to Rebecca] I make an ungodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.
Rebecca: You must be a friend of Mr. Malone's.
Dave Richards: Well, you know what they say, "The good-looking ones travel in pairs." And, uh, that's certainly true in your case.
Rebecca: Do you have the time?
Dave Richards: 4:30.
Rebecca: Good, 'cause I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
Dave Richards: [Sam laughs] Tough woman, tough woman.
Sam: You got that right. I wear a cup to work.

Norm: Well, I suppose he's out wandering the streets, rapping incoherently.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, but what if he comes in? What are we going to say to him?
Norm: Well, just tell him he was brave.
Cliff: Yeah, like a kamikaze pilot.
Woody: Wow, I always wanted to meet one of those guys. The stories they must tell, huh?

Rebecca: Let's see. As news rappers go, I thought you were fine. But maybe rapping has just been kind of done to death.
Sam: Oh, no, you think so? I mean, I'd hate to think I looked stupid out there.
Rebecca: No, no, not at all.
Norm: No, no, no, it's just that it's not unique anymore, Sam. I mean, uh, you know, it'd be one thing if you were the first guy to rap, but they're rapping on stations all over town. You don't want to be the last on a long train of rappers.
Cliff: Yeah, Norm is right there, Sammy. I mean, you got to do something different. Do something revolutionary, something that no sportscaster does anymore. You know, like, uh read the sports.
Sam: You know, I have been working on something, but I was afraid it was too much. But if you guys think that rapping's old hat you know, I just may give it a shot. I'm going to work on it right now, as a matter of fact. [exits]
Norm: Suppose we ought to stop him?
Cliff: Oh, no, wait a minute. How do we know it's going to be another bad idea? I mean, it couldn't be as bad as tonight, could it?
[later:]
Sam: [on TV with a puppet] [high-pitched voice] Hi, everybody. [normal voice] Hi, Little Sam. Are you ready for tonight's...
Carla: Oh, my God.

Cliff: Ah, poor Sammy. Bet you they fired him after that display, huh? Yeah, I guess he won't be showing his face around here tonight.
Carla: Would you come into a place where everyone thought you were a complete idiot? Never mind.

Rebecca: Well, I better hire a relief bartender. [picks up the phone] Hello? Is there somebody on this phone?
Woody: Oh, uh, hi, Miss Howe. It's- It's me, Woody.
Rebecca: Woody, are you using this phone?
Woody: No, no, not really.
Rebecca: What are you doing, Woody?
Woody: Oh, I'm just standing here holding it.
Rebecca: Woody, hang up the phone, please. I have to hire another bartender now.
Woody: Oh, no, Miss Howe, I'm really sorry. I swear I'll never do it again.

Cliff: Yeah, it was pure Musburger, Sammy.
Norm: Sammy, it was the single greatest exhibition of sportscasting I've ever seen in my life. And I am not just saying that in order to get a free beer. If the spirit does move you, Sammy, I take a size 12 sudsy.

Rebecca: You know, Mr. Malone, you haven't been dealing fairly with me.
Sam: I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just that this this means a lot to me.
Rebecca: And now I suppose you're going to ask me for the rest of the week off.
Sam: Yeah, I know, it's a lot to ask.
Rebecca: No, it isn't. You're on.
Sam: Oh, great. What, am I fired or something?
Rebecca: Not at all. Look, I figure one of two things will happen: either you'll do well, they'll offer you a job and I'll never see you again; or you'll screw up, humiliate yourself and come back here a crushed and broken man. Either way, I win.

[on TV:]
Sam: I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two. Don't you agree, Little Sam?
Little Sam: No, I think you're full of hooey. If I paid five bucks to get in the ballpark, I want to see them win now.
Sam: Oh, what do you know? Your head's wooden.
Little Sam: Well, your lips are moving.
[in Cheers:]
Rebecca: If either of them mentions the bar, I'm suing.