Sam: Hey, you feeling lucky tonight?
Diane: What you got in mind?
Sam: A game of chance, simple cut of the cards.
Diane: What are the stakes?
Sam: If I win, I get to go to bed with you.
Diane: What if I win?
Sam: You get to go to bed with me.
Diane: Forget it.
Sam: I understand. You'd rather earn it.

Sam: Listen, I didn't want to have to tell you this because you're pals and all, but she's coming on to me gangbusters. What are you looking at me like that for?
Diane: I can't believe you're saying this.
Sam: Well, I'll tell you something else, I need a little help here. I don't have much experience saying no to women. The closest I've gotten is, "Not now, we're landing."

Diane: Actually, the Boston Pops was the one cultural event, albeit heavily sugar-coated, that Sam genuinely liked.
Sam: Yeah. I especially liked the 18...somethingth overture.
Frasier: 1812.
Sam: Hey, you really know your stuff. Yeah. You know, till Diane dragged me to that concert, I never realized just how many years of practice and dedication it takes to become a classical musician.
Frasier: Well, anyone in particular impress you?
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy on the cannons. He's incredible. You know, I mean, I actually thought about taking it up myself, but I think it's one of those things you have to start when you're very, very young.
Frasier: Yes, they say to be truly great, you do. Yes.
Sam: That's what I thought.

Hester Crane: I understand you used to date that woman. I want to know how much you'd charge to start things up again.
Sam: You don't have enough money.
Hester Crane: How would you know?
Sam: There isn't enough money.
Hester Crane: I know what you mean.
Sam: No, I don't think you do.
Hester Crane: I think I do.
Sam: Oh, no.
Hester Crane: Oh, yes.
Sam: Oh, no.

Norm: Sammy, when's the Coach gonna get back from visiting his sister?
Sam: Uh, he'll be in Minnesota at least another week.
Cliff: Is his sister anything, you know, like the Coach?
Sam: Let me put it this way. He asked her to pick him up at the airport. She thought he meant the Boston airport so she drove all the way here to pick him up. Fortunately, that's what he meant. They had lunch at the airport. Then they drove on to St. Paul.
Cliff: Wait. Uh, I thought she lived in Duluth, there.
Sam: She does, but they don't like the food at the airport in Duluth. You know, actually, Coach will probably be back before I could explain this to you.

Diane: I'm talking about something as easy as, say, depression.
Sam: Depression?
Diane: Yes. The symptoms are loss of appetite, inability to sleep, loss of sex drive.
Sam: Whoa. Loss of sex drive, like in not wanting to have any sex? Forget it. No, no, no. I don't like to lie about things like that.
Diane: Oh, Sam, why not?
Sam: Well, when I was a kid, I used to make goofy faces. My mom used to say, "Don't do that. It may stay that way." I'm not doing anything goofy with my sex life.

[on TV:]
Sam: Tonight I'm going to tackle the issue that's tearing professional sports apart: natural grass or artificial turf? Now this reporter's not afraid to say that he's firmly in favor of natural grass. It's softer, causes fewer injuries, and let's face it, folks: it looks prettier on TV. That's just one guy's opinion. Joanne?
Joanne: Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere that in an indoor stadium it's impossible to grow real grass.
Sam: Well, yes, yes, uh... In indoor stadiums, you have to use the fake stuff.
Dr. Buzz: And I've heard that some of the more recent synthetic blends actually do help reduce injuries.
Sam: Oh. Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc. That's pretty amazing.
Joanne: So what are you saying here, Sam?
Sam: Well, I guess I'm saying that I could go either way on it.
Joanne: So you have no opinion on this?
Sam: No, I have two opinions. And that's one guy's opinions.

Sam: So, how come you guys are so chummy, huh?
Norm: Sorry, Sam. Can't talk about it. Kind of private.
Sam: Oh, give me a break. Guys are supposed to talk about girls behind their backs. [Norm swallows hard] Didn't I tell you everything about me and Diane? [Norm shakes his head] Well, now's your chance to thank me.

Sam: Don't you think you guys are getting a little carried away? I mean, all of us want to chuck it all sometimes, but you can live to regret that kind of thing. I mean, believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
Norm: Sammy?
Sam: What?
Norm: Excuse me. You're not going to tell that long, boring story about how you sold the bar and bought a boat to sail around the world, and then the boat sank, are you?
Sam: No, Norm. I'm not. I'm perfectly aware how that turning point in my life means nothing to you. So I'm going to tell a story about a friend of mine who bought a truck to drive around the world.

Rebecca: Oh, isn't Eddie sweet? Oh, why can't more men send flowers?
Sam: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
Rebecca: I said more men, not Mormons.
Sam: I know they can't dance.
Norm: No, Sammy, that's the, that's the Amish.
Sam: W-Why can't Mormons send flowers?
Rebecca: They can.
Sam: Then what are you talking about?
Rebecca: I just wish someone would send me some damn roses.
Sam: Why does it have to be a Mormon?
Rebecca: Oh, come on! [storms off]
Sam: With some people, you just can't discuss religion.