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‘What Is... Cliff Clavin?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: What Is... Cliff Clavin?

814. What Is... Cliff Clavin?

Aired January 18, 1990

When Jeopardy! comes to Boston, Cliff auditions to be on the show. Meanwhile, Sam's little black book is stolen.

Quote from Cliff

Alex Trebek: Agnes, what did you put down? "Who are Tony Curtis, Cary Grant, and Lucille Ball?" You're so very close, but you're incorrect, unfortunately, and that means it's going to cost you... $2,900. That takes you down to $400. And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you, both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses. And what that means is that even if you're wrong, as long as you didn't do anything foolish like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well, then we don't have to see my answer there, do we, Alex? [covers screen with his jacket] Listen, see you at the tournament of champions.
Alex Trebek: Cliff, we're running out of time. And we are going to have to take a look at your response. You wrote down, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry. That, too, is wrong. The correct response is, what were the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?
Cliff: Be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex Trebek: Well, I'm sure they haven't, but obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?

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Quote from Cliff

Alex Trebek: Cliff, it's all right, you don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet "22,000 big ones"? Which takes you down to zero. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people had never been in my kitchen. You can ask them. Come on, Tony Curtis is still alive. Get him on the phone, go ahead, I'll pay for the call.
Alex Trebek: Isn't going to work, Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 is not a big total, but today it's enough to make you the new Jeopardy! champion. So congratulations.
Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions! You saw me, America! Write in and tell them!
Norm: Come on, Wood, if we sneak out right now, nobody will know we're with him.
Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there, if you can hear me, call in, and I'll split the pot with you. Ah, for crying out loud, look... Any mail carriers out there?

Quote from Woody

Cliff: Hey, guys. Guess what. Jeopardy! is coming to town for a one-time only east coast appearance. And I'm going to take the test to be on the show.
Woody: Beer, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: What is a brewed alcoholic beverage consisting of barley and yeast?
Woody: Well, I don't know. Usually, you just have a beer.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Well, I'm sure going.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: I want to be there and see when they say "This is Jeopardy!" And that big ball comes out and breaks into a million pieces and swirls away. You know, it's just like the sunrise in my hometown.
Frasier: Woody, uh, is there a big chemical plant near Hanover?
Woody: Sure, it's right over the landfill right next to the reservoir. How did you know?
Frasier: Lucky guess.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Honey, I have a little favor to ask you. See, somebody out there has got my little black book.
Rebecca: So?
Carla: So some guy is calling all the girls in it and saying he's Sam.
Norm: Right. And he sets up dates with them and has them put on sexy outfits and I guess he spies on them.
Rebecca: It sounds like you, Sam.
Sam: No, but it's not bad.
Carla: Anyways... We want to use you to help us set a trap for this fiend.
Rebecca: Why would I want to help Sam get back his great big book of bimbos?
Carla: Because you're the next great big bimbo he's going to call.
Rebecca: What? Why am I in the list of women you've gone to bed with?
Sam: They're not all women that I've gone to bed with. It's just the important women in my life, you know? I mean, the women I've gone to bed with, my cleaning lady, my mother, and you. Of course, now that I've gone to bed with my cleaning lady, that just leaves them, Mom, and you.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Can I help you?
Man: A beer, please. Boy, you can't go home again. You really know that's true when you come back to a place you haven't seen in 20 years.
Woody: Or when you lose your bus pass.
Man: Two decades ago, my job took me to Alaska. This is the first time I've been back to Cheers since the sixties.
Woody: Really?
Man: Ah, see those stairs? They used to go down the other side of that wall.
Woody: Huh.
Man: Hmm. And this floor, when I was here, it was all ugly green tile.
Woody: Wow.
Man: I guess everything changes in 20 years. They've even changed the paneling.
Woody: Where?
Man: Over there behind Norm.

Quote from Cliff

Johnny Gilbert: And now from Boston, this is Jeopardy! Now entering the studio are today's contestants. A doctor and Chief of Neurosurgery at Boston General Hospital, Milford Reynolds. A lawyer and mother of six, Agnes Borsic. And a mailman, Cliff Clavin. And now here is the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Thank you, Johnny. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, everyone. And welcome to a very special edition of Jeopardy!
Cliff: Thank you, Alex.
Alex Trebek: You're welcome, Cliff. This is the very first time we have taken our program out on location, and what better place...
Norm: Is Cliffie wearing make-up?
Woody: Well, it's a special day for him.
Alex Trebek: We have 3 new contestants with us today. One of them, at least, very eager to show how bright he is, so let's get right to it. Players, good luck. We're now going to play the first round of Jeopardy! And here are the categories for you. Civil Servants, Stamps from Around the world, Mothers and Sons, Beer, Bar Trivia, and finally... Celibacy.
Woody: This has got to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
Norm: Sure, he's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
Alex Trebek: Cliff, could I get you to pick a category and an amount.
Cliff: Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want. I mean, I am feeling lucky today. Whoa!
Norm: Uh-oh.

Quote from Cliff

Alex Trebek: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Our final Jeopardy! category is Movies. In a moment, contestants, I'll give you the clue. You'll then have 30 seconds to write down your question. Here we go. Our final Jeopardy! answer is... "Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz, and Lucille Lesueur." Good luck, players. [Jeopardy! theme plays]
Alex Trebek: Cliff, you're not looking over there to see what Agnes is writing down, are you?
Cliff: Oh, no, Alex, I wouldn't try anything sleazy like that. I was just admiring the cut of her jacket. Very shapely for a mother of six, if I might say.
Agnes: Thank you.
Cliff: Ah, you're welcome.
Alex Trebek: Cliff, you got about five seconds to go.
Cliff: All right, all right.
Woody: Where's the make-up guy? Mr. Clavin's starting to look a little pasty.
Norm: You would, too, if you bet everything you had and didn't know the answer.
Woody: What makes you think he doesn't know the answer?
Norm: Well, a lot of people wouldn't have noticed, Woody, but there's a little stream of blood trickling down his chin where he's bitten through his lower lip.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: [answers phone] Hello. Who? Oh, Sam. Yeah, hold on just one second. It's the guy with the book. What shall I do?
Sam: Talk to him. You know, pretend like it's someone who would go out with me.
Rebecca: OK, I'll try. [on the phone] Hello? Hell... Oh, yes, I'm back. Silly me. I was just talking into the wrong end of the receiver. Uh... Oh, yes, I'm wearing a miniskirt and my French-cut panties. I'm just not a real good skater. Listen, maybe you could meet me someplace else. Have you ever heard of a bar called Cheers? Uh-huh. Good. Well, then why don't you come over here right now, and please hurry! It's... It's hot, and I don't know how much longer I can keep my clothes on. [hangs up]
Sam: That was really good. You kind of turned me on.
Rebecca: A dial tone turns you on.

Quote from Cliff

Alex Trebek: Hello, Cliff. Hey, listen, I'm very sorry about what happened to you on our program this afternoon.
Cliff: Oh, so you'd admit you that you were out of line by telling me I was wrong?
Alex Trebek: Well, I wouldn't go quite that far. Fact is that a case could be made for your point of view. I think the problem for us was in the way we phrased our answer. It allowed for more than one possible question.
Cliff: Yeah, see, see? So you got my 44,000 bucks?
Alex Trebek: [chuckles] No, no, I don't.
Cliff: Ah. Well, then you're probably going to have me back as a returning contestant then, right?
Alex Trebek: No, we're not going to do that, either. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but believe me, we're as upset about what happened as you are. You know, it's a funny thing. You spend years hosting a show, and you get into the habit of thinking there's just one correct question for every answer. But life doesn't always work out that way. The world is much more complex. And you discover that there are many different ways of looking at the universe.
Cliff: Yeah, so what are you going to do?
Alex Trebek: I think I'm going to quit my job as host of Jeopardy!. Maybe spend a little time in Tibet.
Cliff: Aw, no. Alex, look. Alex, sit down here. I mean, you don't know what you're saying.
Alex Trebek: Well, now, wait a minute, how can I go on hosting the program if I'm filled with all these doubts?
Cliff: All right, Alex. Think about what Jeopardy! means to America. Now, it's more than just a game show. I mean, it... It's as much a part of the national fabric as the postal uniform that I wear with pride every single day.

Quote from Cliff

Alex Trebek: So you think I should stay as the host of Jeopardy!?
Cliff: Absolutely.
Alex Trebek: And you won't bear me any ill will if I do?
Cliff: Oh, bite your tongue.
Alex Trebek: All right. It's settled. I'm going to stay on as the host of Jeopardy!.
Cliff: Oh, thank goodness, Alex. Hey. Hey. Hey, you hear that, everybody? I saved Jeopardy!. I'm going to call Ma. She'll get a big kick out of this.
Norm: Alex. That's all right. You're a regular guy, coming in here to make Cliff feel better. That's great.
Alex Trebek: I just came in here for a beer, but I saw Cliff, and I figured I'd better say something, so I made up that story about quitting. He scares me.
Norm: You, too, huh?

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody?
Woody: Nope, it's not here, Sam. Wait a second. My watch is gone. Oh. Here it is on my right hand. I took it off my left hand so it wouldn't get wet when I was washing the bar glasses.
Norm: Wood, don't you use both hands when you wash the glasses?
Woody: Well, that's OK. It's waterproof.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Why don't you give the guy a break?
Rebecca: Why should l?
Carla: Because if you don't, I might have to bring up that thing I happen to know about.
Rebecca: What thing?
Carla: The very personal thing I happened to overhear. You know what I'm talking about. That thing that if it ever got out, you won't be able to show your face around here again.
Rebecca: [to Sam] What is it you want me to do? [walks away with Sam]
Norm: Carla, that's amazing. What have you got on her?
Carla: Nothing. I bluffed. She crumbled.

Quote from Sam

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Uh, just a second. Sam, it's for you. It's someone named Carmen.
Sam: Carmen, as in Carmenget it?
Woody: Just a second, I'll check. Carmen, as in...
Sam: No, whoa, whoa. [takes the phone] Yo, Carmen. Ho, ho, ho, hey, slow down a second. Let me get a word in edgewise, honey. No, I didn't...
Norm: Hung up on you?
Sam: She used to be. Dang, man. That's very weird. She wanted to know why I stood her up.
Carla: You missed a date?
Sam: No, I didn't make one, but she said she spent the afternoon waiting for me at the roller rink dressed in a black leather miniskirt and French-cut panties. Man, I wouldn't forget something like that.
Norm: I'll remember it on my deathbed.
Sam: You know what, I'm going to call her and straighten this out. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. It's not there. My little black book, somebody took it. All right, everybody freeze! All right. Don't anybody move here. Just stay put. Are you moving? All right. I'm going to lock the door here. I'm going to turn off the lights. And whoever took my little black book will just put it right back on the bar. No questions asked. Here we go.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: You're going about this thing all wrong, Sam. Now let's just retrace your steps starting in the morning.
Norm: There you go.
Sam: So this morning, l... I took it out of the wall safe, and I slipped it into its waterproof pouch. And I got dressed and I came here.
Frasier: Well, did you stop anywhere on your way to work?
Sam: Yes, yes! Oh, thank you! Oh, God! The laundromat. That's where it is.
Woody: Oh, hey, Sam, if you're going to the laundromat, can you do something for me?
Sam: I don't have time to do your laundry, Woody.
Woody: Well, no, if you see a sock like this, could you bring it back? I'm missing two of them.

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