Carla: Did she fall for it?
Sam: Hook, line, and... Sammy.
Carla: Do you believe this? Did you ever think this day would come?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I never had any doubt there, Carla. Behold a sealed envelope. Will you please open it and read the contents.
Carla: Mm-hmm. "l, Sam Malone, will sleep with Rebecca Howe on the night of April 19th, 1990." When did you write this?
Sam: This morning. I write a new one every day.

Woody: She seems like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate... Well, I got a real problem with that.
Norm: Girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?
Woody: Now I got two problems.
Sam: Oh, I get it. Your mom would disapprove.
Woody: Make that 3 problems.
Frasier: What, do you have religious scruples?
Woody: Oh, great. 4 problems.
Sam: What was your original problem, Woody?
Woody: Well, I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button on my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Rebecca: Jean Marie. I don't think that's such a hot name. I think it's stupid. It sounds like it's French for "Jan Murray."
Cliff: Well, the French, they consider Jan Murray the greatest comic genius of the 20th century.
Frasier: No, they say that about Jerry Lewis.
Cliff: Well, they're wrong, it's Jan Murray.

Rebecca: You take this money, and you buy yourself a ticket. And then you come back here, and you report to me and tell me everything about her.
Sam: I don't think I should do that.
Rebecca: I'm not asking you to sacrifice anything. You get to go out, dress up, have a great meal and meet a beautiful French tramp.
Sam: All right, all right. I'm gonna do it, but... I'm just doing this purely out of friendship. You know something? It doesn't feel half bad. You know, for once, I think I'm doing something that's not just for my own selfish pleasure. It's kind of like, um... Like I'm doing it for a higher purpose. Yeah, I'm kind of like that old nun. What's that babe's name?
Rebecca: Mother Teresa?
Sam: Yeah, right.

Rebecca: Now, just tell me, what was the first thing she did when you got in her bedroom?
Sam: Actually, we never got to the bedroom.
Rebecca: You did it in the hall?
Sam: No. What kind of woman do you think she is? We did it in the elevator.
Rebecca: The elevator?
Sam: Yeah. I was afraid at first myself, being in a public place like that, but she was so insistent. She said the danger would heighten the excitement of it all. She kept whispering in my ear and saying we could be discovered at any second. Amazing stuff. I mean, at first, I was against it... "it" being the rail.

Rebecca: So when do you want me to do that thing where I tie your wrist?
Sam: Oh, we don't have to do that scarf thing. Why don't we just pretend?
Rebecca: Well, if you want to pretend, why don't I just go home?
Sam: No, no. Here. Here. Oop.
Rebecca: All right, I hope I can remember this. Okay. Right, over left, and under and around.
Sam: Actually, the under and around part comes later.

Rebecca: Right, I put it back here. [ties Sam to the elevator rail] I've never done anything like this before.
Sam: Ow. A little snug, isn't it?
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll never be as good as Jean Marie.
Sam: Oh, don't say that. Snug is good. Yeah. Oh, snug's very good.
Rebecca: Okay, then what did she do? Loosen up some clothes?
Sam: Yeah, lots of that. Lots of that.
Rebecca: Okay, then you go first. [tears open Sam's shirt] I see how this could be exciting. OK, I've got it. I've got it. Wait. The pants. That's good. Oh, yes. This is good. Yeah!
Sam: This is just fantastic. Now you go. You go.
Rebecca: You want me to go?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rebecca: OK, bye. See you tomorrow. [starts the elevator]

Sam: Wait. What do you mean? What are you doing?
Rebecca: I mean that I know about the water pipe, and I know about Jean Marie, and I know that the only reason you asked me here was so that you could play elevator.
Sam: How did you find out about the water pipe?
Rebecca: It was in the newspaper.
Sam: Shoot!
Rebecca: Just when I thought you were being my friend, you go and do something sleazy like this. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Sam: Oh, yeah, honey. I'm... I'm so very ashamed. l... I've learned my lesson. I really have. Could you untie me, please? Please?
Rebecca: The knot's too tight. Maybe there's some sailor in the lobby that can untie it for you.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey!

Woody: I don't think Kelly wouldn't mind. If I'm not sleeping with her, why would I be sleeping with someone else?
Carla: Whoa. Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year, and you're not sleeping with her?
Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of thing you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Oh, you keep believing that, Woody.

Woody: All right, I made up my mind. Terry, you can move in.
Terry: Oh, great.
Woody: All right, here's an envelope. It has my address and three keys in it. All right, one of the keys is for the doorknob. One is for the security bolt, and one is for the deadbolt. You can never be too careful.
Terry: Won't you need a key?
Woody: No, I left the window open.