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‘Mr. Otis Regrets’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Mr. Otis Regrets

824. Mr. Otis Regrets

Aired April 19, 1990

After Rebecca sends Sam to a fancy dinner to spy on Robin's French chargé d'affaires, Sam tries to use the situation to his advantage.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Did she fall for it?
Sam: Hook, line, and... Sammy.
Carla: Do you believe this? Did you ever think this day would come?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I never had any doubt there, Carla. Behold a sealed envelope. Will you please open it and read the contents.
Carla: Mm-hmm. "l, Sam Malone, will sleep with Rebecca Howe on the night of April 19th, 1990." When did you write this?
Sam: This morning. I write a new one every day.

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Quote from Woody

Woody: She seems like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate... Well, I got a real problem with that.
Norm: Girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?
Woody: Now I got two problems.
Sam: Oh, I get it. Your mom would disapprove.
Woody: Make that 3 problems.
Frasier: What, do you have religious scruples?
Woody: Oh, great. 4 problems.
Sam: What was your original problem, Woody?
Woody: Well, I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button on my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Jean Marie. I don't think that's such a hot name. I think it's stupid. It sounds like it's French for "Jan Murray."
Cliff: Well, the French, they consider Jan Murray the greatest comic genius of the 20th century.
Frasier: No, they say that about Jerry Lewis.
Cliff: Well, they're wrong, it's Jan Murray.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: You take this money, and you buy yourself a ticket. And then you come back here, and you report to me and tell me everything about her.
Sam: I don't think I should do that.
Rebecca: I'm not asking you to sacrifice anything. You get to go out, dress up, have a great meal and meet a beautiful French tramp.
Sam: All right, all right. I'm gonna do it, but... I'm just doing this purely out of friendship. You know something? It doesn't feel half bad. You know, for once, I think I'm doing something that's not just for my own selfish pleasure. It's kind of like, um... Like I'm doing it for a higher purpose. Yeah, I'm kind of like that old nun. What's that babe's name?
Rebecca: Mother Teresa?
Sam: Yeah, right.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Now, just tell me, what was the first thing she did when you got in her bedroom?
Sam: Actually, we never got to the bedroom.
Rebecca: You did it in the hall?
Sam: No. What kind of woman do you think she is? We did it in the elevator.
Rebecca: The elevator?
Sam: Yeah. I was afraid at first myself, being in a public place like that, but she was so insistent. She said the danger would heighten the excitement of it all. She kept whispering in my ear and saying we could be discovered at any second. Amazing stuff. I mean, at first, I was against it... "it" being the rail.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: So when do you want me to do that thing where I tie your wrist?
Sam: Oh, we don't have to do that scarf thing. Why don't we just pretend?
Rebecca: Well, if you want to pretend, why don't I just go home?
Sam: No, no. Here. Here. Oop.
Rebecca: All right, I hope I can remember this. Okay. Right, over left, and under and around.
Sam: Actually, the under and around part comes later.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Right, I put it back here. [ties Sam to the elevator rail] I've never done anything like this before.
Sam: Ow. A little snug, isn't it?
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll never be as good as Jean Marie.
Sam: Oh, don't say that. Snug is good. Yeah. Oh, snug's very good.
Rebecca: Okay, then what did she do? Loosen up some clothes?
Sam: Yeah, lots of that. Lots of that.
Rebecca: Okay, then you go first. [tears open Sam's shirt] I see how this could be exciting. OK, I've got it. I've got it. Wait. The pants. That's good. Oh, yes. This is good. Yeah!
Sam: This is just fantastic. Now you go. You go.
Rebecca: You want me to go?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rebecca: OK, bye. See you tomorrow. [starts the elevator]

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Wait. What do you mean? What are you doing?
Rebecca: I mean that I know about the water pipe, and I know about Jean Marie, and I know that the only reason you asked me here was so that you could play elevator.
Sam: How did you find out about the water pipe?
Rebecca: It was in the newspaper.
Sam: Shoot!
Rebecca: Just when I thought you were being my friend, you go and do something sleazy like this. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Sam: Oh, yeah, honey. I'm... I'm so very ashamed. l... I've learned my lesson. I really have. Could you untie me, please? Please?
Rebecca: The knot's too tight. Maybe there's some sailor in the lobby that can untie it for you.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey!

Quote from Norm

Woody: I don't think Kelly wouldn't mind. If I'm not sleeping with her, why would I be sleeping with someone else?
Carla: Whoa. Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year, and you're not sleeping with her?
Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of thing you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Oh, you keep believing that, Woody.

Quote from Woody

Woody: All right, I made up my mind. Terry, you can move in.
Terry: Oh, great.
Woody: All right, here's an envelope. It has my address and three keys in it. All right, one of the keys is for the doorknob. One is for the security bolt, and one is for the deadbolt. You can never be too careful.
Terry: Won't you need a key?
Woody: No, I left the window open.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Well, I've got to run home and be a father for about an hour.
Norm: Where's Lilith?
Frasier: Noted research psychologist Dr. Lilith Sternin Crane has a singing lesson.
Pete: Lilith sings?
Frasier: Well, it seems it's always bothered my dearheart that she cannot sing... As if that were her only character flaw. And now with the baby, she'd like to be able to sing him a lullaby without frightening four years of growth out of him.
Carla: Don't put Lilith down for wanting to sing. I think it's cool.
Frasier: You do?
Carla: Yeah. I remember when I was 14, I sang the lead in my school choir. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Yeah, it made me the most popular girl in school.
Frasier: Really?
Carla: Of course... I never wore anything under my robe.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Yo, Woody! Hey, Rebecca left a message for you about some... Terry who wants to meet with you about an ad in the paper.
Woody: Oh, yeah. I'm advertising for a roommate. My landlord just raised my rent.
Sam: Why don't you just move?
Woody: Are you kidding? I love my neighborhood. It's so quiet there. Especially since the gangs started using silencers.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You be careful when you pick roommates now. Being an old ballplayer, I'm kind of an expert on the subject. The guys out there who just want to stay up all night, play loud music, bring girls in at all hours... Now these are the fun guys. These are the guys you want.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: [gasps] Oh. Oh.
Sam: What? What are you looking at?
Rebecca: It's Robin Colcord and that little tramp he's been seeing.
Carla: Oh, there's a picture of you in the paper?

Quote from Frasier

Rebecca: No. It's that little charge d'affaires from the French consulate.
Frasier: Rebecca, I must tell you, this is not a healthy relationship you're in. I mean, stuck in a runoff with another woman for Robin Colcord's affections... it's demeaning. Although it's nothing compared to what I'd do to have this exquisite creature grind her heel into my forehead. My God!

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I hate her. I wish she was dead. What is she doing here? This is my town.
Sam: Jean Marie is here for some Franco-American trade celebration. All of Boston's elite is going to be there.
Rebecca: Plus one frog slut.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Sam, did you see Jean Marie last night? What was she like?
Sam: [chuckles] Oh, Rebecca... Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Rebecca: Quit thanking me and just give me details.
Sam: Uh, there are no details. Well, she did kind of detail me, I guess. [guys cheer]
Rebecca: What? You slept with her?
Sam: Oh, get real. Who could sleep with all that sex going on?
Rebecca: You pig! How was she? Was she good or was she bad? Please tell me she was bad.
Sam: Well, let me put it to you this way. Imagine all the nuclear warheads in the world going off all at the same time, exactly when the sun explodes.
Norm: Yeah?
Sam: Big deal.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: So what did she do that was so special? I mean, I know a lot of things.
Sam: Honey, she's a little beyond the Ann Landers Petting Guide.
Rebecca: So what was it that she did?
Sam: Uh, I don't think I can tell you exactly what she did... Or how or when. You know, I suppose I could show you.
Rebecca: Oh, God.
Sam: What?
Rebecca: Forget it. I'm sure I'm going to go to bed with you so I can see how some stupid French girl makes love.
Sam: Hey, I was just thinking about you, you know? Maybe I could pass on a few secrets of what made it the most incredible night of sex I've ever had. Remember, I was a ball player.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Uh, Sammy, come on. Tell us the rest of the stuff, huh?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry, guys. Actually, I never met Jean Marie. The water main broke in the grand ballroom. They canceled the whole party.
Norm: Wait a second now. You just made up all that sex stuff?
Sam: [chuckles] Yeah.
Cliff: Sam. Sam, all the other sex stuff that you've told us, you know, through the years... That's all true, right?
Sam: Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Norm: 'Cause our lives pretty much revolve around those stories.
Sam: I know that, fellas. I know.

Quote from Sam

Carla: I just want to know one thing. If none of this hot sex stuff with Jean Marie ever really happened, then why are you torturing Rebecca with it?
Sam: Gee, knowing me, there must be some reason.
Cliff: Oh, he's got a reason.
Norm: Here it comes. Here it comes.
Sam: You don't suppose it could be that I know how insecure Rebecca feels about her sexuality, or how inferior she feels to this Jean Marie girl, or to what lengths she might go to acquire... How shall I say this... Uh, French lessons from Monsieur Sammy?
Norm & Cliff: Ah.
Frasier: You know, Sam, I think you've tried some pretty inane things to seduce Rebecca. But this one doesn't even have a toehold on reality. Do you really think she's that insecure about Robin's affections that she would actually go to bed with you just to learn Jean Marie's erotic secrets, hmm?
Rebecca: Sam, could I see you in my office privately?
Sam: Sure, honey. [to Frasier] Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, way off base. Gentlemen, I think Sammy Company is about to invade France. [the guys hum "La Marseillaise"]

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