Sam: Oh, my. Yeah, uh, listen I know what you want to do is run out there and tell the guys, but I've got to remind you here, Paul, a gentleman does not kiss and tell. It's just not cool.
Paul: But you do it, Sam.
Sam: True. True. But I'm Sam Malone, and by definition, everything I do is cool.

Norm: [enters] [softly:] Morning everybody.
All: Norm! [Norm covers his ears in agony]
Rebecca: How are you feeling, Norm?
Norm: Terrible. A splitting headache. And I think I might be sick. Can I have a beer, Sammy?

Carla: Sammy. How could you have a problem worse? You're perfect. You don't even know what the rest of the world is like.
Sam: Honey, I... I'm not perfect.
Carla: Oh, yeah, right.
Sam: All right, you really want to know? Watch this.
Carla: [gasps] Holy Mother of God! Oh, Sammy! You wear a rug!
Sam: It's not a rug! It's not a rug! It's a hair replacement system.

Carla: Oh, Sammy! Look at you, you're bald! All this time, the great Sam Malone's hair is nothing but a fraud!
Sam: Hey, at least I didn't sleep with Paul!
Carla: Paul, Schmall, that's nothing!
Sam: Yeah, nothing. It was a pretty big deal a minute ago.
Carla: Yeah, well, that was before I found out you wear a piece.
Sam: Hair replacement system! Hair replacement system! You know, if you're not going to use the proper terminology, I think I'd just like to be by myself right now.
Carla: Sammy, I- l'm sorry. It's just that you caught me by surprise.
Sam: Yeah, well, imagine how it caught me when, on the morning of August 12, 1989, I looked in the sink and... I'm sorry, I thought I could talk about it.

Paul: You've got a point there, but Sammy the whole thing is...
Sam: Yeah, no, no, Paul, you don't understand. Please, I've got to ask you: keep this to yourself.
Paul: Sam, you just don't get it. This kind of thing has never happened to me before. And now, with the one time it does happen, I can't even crow about it just a little?
Sam: Yeah, I know. I know how you feel. All right, I tell you what. Why don't you crow in here with me and get it out of your system.
Paul: Well, okay. It won't be quite the same, but... Yes! High five, Sammy! The Paul Monster! [hissing] Give me a P! Give me an A! Give me a U! Give me an L! P-A-U-L! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!
Sam: Ah. You through?
Paul: Think so, yeah.

Woody: Well, can't I tend bar at least sometimes? I mean, what all does a city councilman have to do anyway?
Cliff: Well, Woody, our present councilman, Kevin Fogerty, rises at the crack of dawn, 6:30 to be exact. Then he showers, shaves, goes downstairs for a leisurely breakfast with his wife Estelle. Then he takes his son Joseph, eight, and Hillary, 11, to the Fenwick Elementary School. At least that was his routine before, the court order deprived me of my right to know. Big Brother, my friends, Big Brother!
Frasier: Years from now, they're gonna ask me why I didn't see the signs.

Sam: Come on, talk to me, will you?
Carla: Oh, l... I can't even say it. It's just the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life.
Sam: You're scaring me, sweetheart. Tell me what's going on.
Carla: Okay. Last night, you know, l... I had a few of those drinks I made and I got loaded.
Sam: I warned you about that, didn't l?!
Carla: I know. I know. But, anyways, I kind of lost track of myself and, I think I went home with a guy.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: It was a Cheers guy. Oh, Sammy, Sammy, please! Please, tell me it was you!
Sam: I'm sorry, sweetheart, it wasn't me.
Carla: Oh, God! Oh, God, the options that leaves are so horrible!

Sam: All right, all right, all right. Wait a minute. Now what, what do you remember?
Carla: Well, I don't remember much. Just slow dancing to Nat King Cole and doing it till the sheets burned.
Sam: And what else?
Carla: Gotta think. Gotta think. Who was there?
Sam: All right, let's see, there was Frasier.
Carla: Frasier, I could live with that. Who else?
Sam: Norm?
Carla: Oh, it couldn't have been him. Even drunk, I think I'd remember that.
Sam: Woody?
Both: Nah.
Carla: Well, I guess there's nobody else.
Sam: Well, what about Cli-
Carla: There's nobody else, Sam!

Carla: Hey, Norm.
Norm: Yeah.
Carla: Do you believe all that stuff that happened last night?
Norm: I don't remember a single thing that happened last night. I do have a bad feeling, though. Vera made me breakfast in bed this morning, and kept calling me "Mister Two Times." Maybe it's best I don't remember.

Cliff: Oh, the best way to reconstruct a night like that, Normie, is to, uh, go through our pockets. Oh, yeah, here we go. All right, uh, here's a receipt for the pizza place.
Norm: I sort of remember that one.
Cliff: Yeah, $24.95, the bowling alley.
Norm: Uh-huh.
Cliff: 200 bucks for the the tattoo parlor. And, uh, 12 bucks for the cab and the doughnut shop.
Norm: Say, Cliff what, uh, what was that one between the bowling alley and the taxicab?
Cliff: Uh, Fred's Tattoo Parlor.
Norm: Yeah, funny that should be in there, huh?
Cliff: Yeah.
[Norm and Cliff each feel their own arms, then lower their hands to their cheeks]
Cliff: I'll tell you what's on your butt if you tell me what's on mine.
Norm: Let's get it over with. [both walk off]
Woody: [to Frasier] Those guys spend way too much time together.