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‘It's Lonely on the Top’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: It's Lonely on the Top

1122. It's Lonely on the Top

Aired April 29, 1993

The gang at Cheers wake up with the mother of all hangovers after Carla tends bar and serves up her legendary cocktails, but she's the one who would like to forget the night most of all.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, my. Yeah, uh, listen I know what you want to do is run out there and tell the guys, but I've got to remind you here, Paul, a gentleman does not kiss and tell. It's just not cool.
Paul: But you do it, Sam.
Sam: True. True. But I'm Sam Malone, and by definition, everything I do is cool.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] [softly:] Morning everybody.
All: Norm! [Norm covers his ears in agony]
Rebecca: How are you feeling, Norm?
Norm: Terrible. A splitting headache. And I think I might be sick. Can I have a beer, Sammy?

Quote from Sam

Carla: Sammy. How could you have a problem worse? You're perfect. You don't even know what the rest of the world is like.
Sam: Honey, I... I'm not perfect.
Carla: Oh, yeah, right.
Sam: All right, you really want to know? Watch this.
Carla: [gasps] Holy Mother of God! Oh, Sammy! You wear a rug!
Sam: It's not a rug! It's not a rug! It's a hair replacement system.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Oh, Sammy! Look at you, you're bald! All this time, the great Sam Malone's hair is nothing but a fraud!
Sam: Hey, at least I didn't sleep with Paul!
Carla: Paul, Schmall, that's nothing!
Sam: Yeah, nothing. It was a pretty big deal a minute ago.
Carla: Yeah, well, that was before I found out you wear a piece.
Sam: Hair replacement system! Hair replacement system! You know, if you're not going to use the proper terminology, I think I'd just like to be by myself right now.
Carla: Sammy, I- l'm sorry. It's just that you caught me by surprise.
Sam: Yeah, well, imagine how it caught me when, on the morning of August 12, 1989, I looked in the sink and... I'm sorry, I thought I could talk about it.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Well, can't I tend bar at least sometimes? I mean, what all does a city councilman have to do anyway?
Cliff: Well, Woody, our present councilman, Kevin Fogerty, rises at the crack of dawn, 6:30 to be exact. Then he showers, shaves, goes downstairs for a leisurely breakfast with his wife Estelle. Then he takes his son Joseph, eight, and Hillary, 11, to the Fenwick Elementary School. At least that was his routine before, the court order deprived me of my right to know. Big Brother, my friends, Big Brother!
Frasier: Years from now, they're gonna ask me why I didn't see the signs.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Come on, talk to me, will you?
Carla: Oh, l... I can't even say it. It's just the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life.
Sam: You're scaring me, sweetheart. Tell me what's going on.
Carla: Okay. Last night, you know, l... I had a few of those drinks I made and I got loaded.
Sam: I warned you about that, didn't l?!
Carla: I know. I know. But, anyways, I kind of lost track of myself and, I think I went home with a guy.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: It was a Cheers guy. Oh, Sammy, Sammy, please! Please, tell me it was you!
Sam: I'm sorry, sweetheart, it wasn't me.
Carla: Oh, God! Oh, God, the options that leaves are so horrible!

Quote from Carla

Sam: All right, all right, all right. Wait a minute. Now what, what do you remember?
Carla: Well, I don't remember much. Just slow dancing to Nat King Cole and doing it till the sheets burned.
Sam: And what else?
Carla: Gotta think. Gotta think. Who was there?
Sam: All right, let's see, there was Frasier.
Carla: Frasier, I could live with that. Who else?
Sam: Norm?
Carla: Oh, it couldn't have been him. Even drunk, I think I'd remember that.
Sam: Woody?
Both: Nah.
Carla: Well, I guess there's nobody else.
Sam: Well, what about Cli-
Carla: There's nobody else, Sam!

Quote from Norm

Carla: Hey, Norm.
Norm: Yeah.
Carla: Do you believe all that stuff that happened last night?
Norm: I don't remember a single thing that happened last night. I do have a bad feeling, though. Vera made me breakfast in bed this morning, and kept calling me "Mister Two Times." Maybe it's best I don't remember.

Quote from Paul

Paul: You've got a point there, but Sammy the whole thing is...
Sam: Yeah, no, no, Paul, you don't understand. Please, I've got to ask you: keep this to yourself.
Paul: Sam, you just don't get it. This kind of thing has never happened to me before. And now, with the one time it does happen, I can't even crow about it just a little?
Sam: Yeah, I know. I know how you feel. All right, I tell you what. Why don't you crow in here with me and get it out of your system.
Paul: Well, okay. It won't be quite the same, but... Yes! High five, Sammy! The Paul Monster! [hissing] Give me a P! Give me an A! Give me a U! Give me an L! P-A-U-L! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!
Sam: Ah. You through?
Paul: Think so, yeah.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Oh, the best way to reconstruct a night like that, Normie, is to, uh, go through our pockets. Oh, yeah, here we go. All right, uh, here's a receipt for the pizza place.
Norm: I sort of remember that one.
Cliff: Yeah, $24.95, the bowling alley.
Norm: Uh-huh.
Cliff: 200 bucks for the the tattoo parlor. And, uh, 12 bucks for the cab and the doughnut shop.
Norm: Say, Cliff what, uh, what was that one between the bowling alley and the taxicab?
Cliff: Uh, Fred's Tattoo Parlor.
Norm: Yeah, funny that should be in there, huh?
Cliff: Yeah.
[Norm and Cliff each feel their own arms, then lower their hands to their cheeks]
Cliff: I'll tell you what's on your butt if you tell me what's on mine.
Norm: Let's get it over with. [both walk off]
Woody: [to Frasier] Those guys spend way too much time together.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Okay, Cliff do you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt?
Cliff: It's uh, a big American flag there, Norm, with the motto "God Bless the U.S. Post Office." What, uh, what's on mine?
Norm: A big heart with the words, "I love Vera." [both drink] Guess they mixed them up, huh?
Cliff: I assume so.
Norm: Beautiful workmanship.
Cliff: Yeah, you want me to come over and show Vera?
Norm: Thanks, but no.
Cliff: In that case, would you mind coming down to the post office and show my supervisor?
Norm: No, no, I don't think so, Cliff.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Boy, it's gonna be tough finding a replacement for you, Woody.
Woody: Well, why would you want to replace me, Sam?
Sam: Well, you can't tend bar here and be a councilman at the same time. That's a full-time job.
Woody: It is, Sam?
Sam: Yeah. And working here at Cheers is a full-time job, too.
Rebecca: It is, Sam?

Quote from Sam

Carla: Sam, Sam. Sammy, it's, it's okay. So you're blowing your feathers. It's not the end of the world. Sure. You know, there's a lot more to Sam Malone than just your great hair.
Sam: Really?
Carla: Of course. You're a great guy. Handsome, sweet...
Sam: Oh, don't say "sweet."
Carla: What's the matter with sweet?
Sam: It's another way of saying bald.
Carla: Sam, Sam, I- I mean it. You are a terrific, sweet guy. I mean, anybody who would do what you just did to make someone feel better is the best friend in the world.
Sam: You don't think any less of me?
Carla: Think any less of me?
Sam: Oh...
[As Sam hugs Carla, she takes another peek at his "hair replacement system" and laughs to herself]

Quote from Frasier

[Carla enters the bar wearing sunglasses, a scarf over her hair, a hat and a large coat]
Carla: Sammy, office. Quick!
Norm: What was that?
Cliff: That was either Carla or the grim reaper.
Frasier: Dear Lord, let it be the reaper.

Quote from Carla

Carla: What about me? I'd be a great bartender.
Sam: Oh, come on, are you kidding me? With those powerhouse drinks you make?
Carla: Aw, come on!
Sam: Sweetheart, the last time I let you tend bar there were 12 people who made a naked conga line all the way out to the commons there. And Phil over there tried to join the Flying Wallendas.
Phil: I tell you, I sobered up real fast on that high wire. Phew.
Carla: All right, so I made the drinks a little strong that night. It's not gonna happen again.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Come on, Sammy, I could really use the money. You won't be sorry.
Sam: Yeah, all right, go ahead, I'll give you a shot.
Carla: Yes!
Rebecca: Now hold it a second! I'm the one who's supposed to make the decisions around here. I am the manager. Now, to whom should I give this job of bartender?
Carla: How would you like me to rip out your still-beating heart and show it to you before you hit the ground?
Rebecca: I've got it! How about Carla?

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: You know something, with Carla being our new bartender, we're gonna need a waitress. Why don't you get on the phone and call the agency and hire one? Think you can manage that?
Rebecca: Yes, I think I can manage that! But could you dial? I just had my nails done. [Sam groans] And could you talk? I get uncomfortable talking to strangers.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Hey there, Frasier.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Sam. Your friend Frasier is dead. What you are looking at is his undead corpse.
Sam: Here you go, pal.
Frasier: All right, let's review. Last night I got knee-walking drunk, and now I am back in this bar, a mere seven-and-a-half hours later, hung over. Well, it's official. I have a problem.
[Frasier and Norm cover their ears when the phone rings]

Quote from Cliff

Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Hey, is that you, Cliffie? Cliff? He, uh, just woke up. He doesn't know where he is.
Cliffie, calm down, man. Just, just, just look around and describe what you see. Cliff, you're in the office, pal. My pleasure.
Cliff: [emerges from the office] Uh, coffee, please there, Sammy.
Sam: I told you to watch out for her drinks. How many did you have?
Cliff: Oh, I don't even remember, Sam. Don't remember much of anything after the wooden lady laughed at me and called me a half man.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Well, look at you guys. I wonder how Woody's doing. He was really knocking 'em back, huh?
Cliff: Oh, nobody could drink that much and end up feeling human, Sam.
Woody: [enters] Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late. I was doing my Nordic Track.
Frasier: Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?
Woody: Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. It's very simple. First, put on your pajamas. Then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water. And then, you vomit till your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the morning, you feel brand-new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?
Norm: Okay, okay, but only two.

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