TV Quotes

Rose: I don't drink before bedtime. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never have that problem. Never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork, at 7 am I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8.

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Joey: Where is the waitress? I'm starving.
Chandler: It's a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back!

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.