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‘The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

905. The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

Aired October 31, 2002

Phoebe and Joey are stuck waiting at a restaurant when their friends are late for her birthday dinner. Rachel frets about leaving Emma for the first time, while Chandler and Monica get into an argument about him smoking.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Well, now that everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw. What?
Rachel: No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

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Quote from Phoebe

Waiter: So, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah. Their, um- Their arrival is in the offing.
Waiter: Right, we do have a table for two available. Perhaps you'd be more-
Joey: No, they're coming. We'll wait right here.
Phoebe: Oh, Joseph. One needn't worry. They shan't be long.
Waiter: It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.
Phoebe: Oh, one really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one?

Quote from Joey

Waiter: How was everything, sir?
Joey: Excellent. The shrew, in particular, was exquisite.
Waiter: Well, I hope you've got some room left.
Waiters: [singing] Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear-
Joey: Joey. Joey.
Waiters: Joey. Happy birthday to you.
Joey: This is the best birthday ever!

Quote from Joey

Maitre 'D: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
Joey: No, just me. All alone. Dinner for six for one. Well, you boys are about to see something really special.

Quote from Judy Geller

Judy Geller: I understand. Separation is hard. One time, I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor. And he got so upset he took off all his clothes, tucked his willy between his legs and cried out, ''Mommy, I'm a girl. Take me with you.''
Ross: Somehow, over time, it got easier to be apart from you.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: I messed up. It was a meeting. Everybody was smoking.
Monica: So what? Don't you have any willpower?
Chandler: Willpower? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs without taking the tinfoil off.
Monica: You said that was sexy!

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Oh, great. So we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't been together, the six of us, in such a long time.
Monica: What are you talking about? We're all together right now.
Rachel: Uh, Mon. Chandler's not here.
Monica: Oh, dear God.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Besides, you know, everything's gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping.
Rachel: What if she jumps out of the bassinet?
Ross: Can't hold her head up, but yeah jumped.
Rachel: Oh, my God. I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Wait. Did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and-
Ross: Oh, my God. You know what, I think you're right. Listen.
Rachel: What? What?
Ross: A pigeon. No. Wait. An eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumped across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrued this as an act of aggression and grabbed the baby in its talons. Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Quote from Joey

Waiter: It's been an hour. The maitre 'd has asked if you'd be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.
Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.
Waiter: You can't order until the entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.
Joey: Well, how about this? Another table leaves, right, but there's still some food left on their plates. Okay, what's the restaurant's policy about people eating that?
Waiter: It's frowned upon.
Joey: But it happens?

Quote from Ross

Ross: But everything's going to be fine. I mean, my mom is going to be with her. She's great with kids.
Rachel: She is?
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: What about Monica?
Ross: Hey, you only hear Monica's side of that. Okay, that little fatso was a terror!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Honey, this is for the best. This way, I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home, and I'm gonna be completely here with you. Oh, she spit up. She spit up.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Judy? She spit- Judy, look alive, Judy!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Waiter? All right, this is gonna go fast, so try to keep up. Risotto with shaved truffles and the rib steak with the golden chanterelles and the Bordelaise sauce unless any of that stuff I just said means ''snails.''
Waiter: It does not.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Oh, everything looks delicious. What should I have? What should I have?
Joey: Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.
Ross: I know what you mean, this menu's incredible.
Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: So, is Mike coming to dinner?
Phoebe: No. It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. I'd get mad at him, but I think it's a little too soon to show my true colors.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I would make the reservation for five because one of us has to stay home with Emma. Which one of us should go to dinner?
Phoebe: Rachel!
Ross: Actually, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Ross: Thanks. I'll put a lot of extra thought into your gift.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hello, everyone. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? Yes. Ken, is it?
Ken: That's right. Is it true that the reason you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?
Chandler: [chuckles] Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: All right, let's get started by taking a look at last quarter's figures. Uh, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the boss's ass?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You're not allowed to smoke in this office though, right?
Claudia: Yes. In Oklahoma, it's legal to smoke in offices with 15 people or less. Would you like one?
Chandler: All right. I don't smoke any more. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. So you all smoke, then? You know, it's almost rude if I'm not smoking.
Ken: That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke--
Chandler: Ken, please!
Chandler: No, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Ken: I'm sorry. But isn't your wife back in New York?
Chandler: I've always like you, Ken.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Hey. Oh. Wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh, my God. Don't people know you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma, smoking is legal in all common areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
Phoebe: Oh, you smoked.
Chandler: No. I just happen to know a lot of trivia about smoking in different states. For example in Hawaii, cigarettes are called lei-lana-lukus.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Chandler: Do you think Monica is going to be able to smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound. And the breasts of a Greek goddess.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: That was my mom. She's stuck in terrible traffic.
Rachel: Okay, well, that is now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.
Ross: What are the other two?
Rachel: Well, the first one is, I don't want to. And the second one, I'm not going.

Quote from Ross

Ross: No, no. Really, you should go. Go out. Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up your heels. Paint the town red.
Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Where is everyone? They're forty minutes late.
Joey: I know.
Phoebe: I'm starving. I knew we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day.
Joey: What about me? I only had one lunch today.

Quote from Monica

Monica: How can you smoke in this day and age? Have you not seen that ad? Huh? Where the little kid walks through grandpa. It's chilling.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, I've flown a long way to see my loving wife. Is she here by the way?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Sex. This is the last day I'm ovulating. If we don't do it now, we're gonna have to wait until next month.
Chandler: You're serious?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: All right, fine. I'll do it, but no talking.
Monica: And no cuddling.
Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
Monica: Oh, good. I hate it when you do that.
Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Okay, well, the super's not home. But, hey, you know what, my mother's gonna be here in a minute and she has the key.
Rachel: I can't wait that long. You have to do something. Knock that door down.
Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: No, no, no. I can't hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I'll cave.
Joey: Well, if you ask me to stay, I'll pee.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: And then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby.
Rachel: It wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I had to do.
Phoebe: And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma?

Quote from Monica

Monica: Wow. It's a little tight, isn't it. Why didn't you get a bigger table? You had a big table, but they made you move. [chuckles] Shut up, Monica.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Oh, well, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.
Chandler: And I suppose that Monica will have the manipulative shrew.
Waiter: I'll give you another minute.
Joey: What, where you going? He said she wanted the shrew.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'm sorry, was that rude? Did my little outburst blunt the hideousness that is this evening? Look, I know you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late, and you didn't even have the courtesy to call. [cell phone rings] Well, it's too late now.
Ross: Yeah, Pheebs, I don't think that's us.
Phoebe: Oh. Well, this is not- This is not over.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay, that was Mike.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, honey, we are so sorry. You are totally right. We are here 100 percent and we love you, and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.
Phoebe: Oh. You guys, that means the world to me. Okay, I'm gonna take off.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but, Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait. I'm not the- I'm not the kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye, guys. Judy, bye!

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?
Ross: I'm so sorry.
Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment.
Joey: That's a great story. Can I eat it?


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