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‘The One After Vegas’ Quotes

Friends: The One After Vegas

601. The One After Vegas

Aired September 23, 1999

The events of their drunken night in Vegas slowly come back to Ross and Rachel. Meanwhile, Phoebe and Joey drive back to New York in her cab, and Monica and Chandler consider taking a step forward in their relationship.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Where is the waitress? I'm starving.
Chandler: It's a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back!

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Quote from Rachel

Rachel: The bottom line, Ross, is we cannot stay married.
Ross: I don't know if that's true.
Rachel: Oh, but it is.
Ross: Okay. You know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage-
Rachel: Oh, Ross, come on. This is not a marriage. This is the world's worst hangover!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will.
Ross: All right. All right, I'll do it.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Hey. Hey, is there any such thing as an annulment shower?

Quote from Joey

Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke's on you because we don't need to get divorced. Okay, we're just gonna get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross, I don't think surgery is the answer here.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: What are you guys gonna do?
Rachel: Well, I guess we find a divorce lawyer.
Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross already has one. Now, this one's free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so you get the third one for free.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Hello, Mrs. Ross.
Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel.
Monica: Whoa!
Chandler: Oh, my God!
Joey: Come on, Pheebs, hurry. Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay.
Chandler: Oh, my God. ls everybody getting married?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married. Isn't that why you guys are here?
Chandler: Yes.
Monica: Why else would we be here?
Joey: Well, what happened? Did we miss it?
Chandler: We actually missed it.
Phoebe: Maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: This is insane.
Phoebe: What's the big deal? You know, it's not like it's a real marriage.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you're only married in Vegas.
Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas, you're married everywhere.
Phoebe: Really?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Oh, well.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm not kidding. Look, I can't have three failed marriages. I can't, okay? I am not gonna be that guy.
Rachel: So what, we just stay married forever?
Ross: Okay, how- How is this going to affect you, really? I mean, you fill some form out once in a while, instead of checking the box that says "Miss," you check the box that says, "Mrs." It's right next to it.
Rachel: Okay. I'm sorry, you're right. You know what? We can stay married because I thought that the boxes were far away from each other.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didn't get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. See you later.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, I was thinking what if l unpack here?
Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Monica: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time. I mean, it doesn't make any sense.
Chandler: Okay. What if we live together, and you understand what I'm saying?

Quote from Phoebe

Attendant: No running in the chapel.
Phoebe: Hey, don't you give me any of your-

Quote from Ross

Ross: Why are we in bed together?
Rachel: I don't know. Do you have any clothes on?
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: No. But we didn't have ... sex, did we? I mean, I don't remember much about last night. It was such a blur.
Rachel: Oh, I remember laughing. I laughed a lot.
Ross: Then we didn't have sex.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Oh, I mean, we were really drunk. I'm just glad we didn't do anything stupid.
Ross: Tell me about it. [Ross has "Just Married" written on his back]

Quote from Joey

Joey: Morning, Pheebs. Well, my movie has been officially canceled.
Phoebe: Joey, I'm so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?
Joey: Nah, I'm too depressed to eat. I'll probably eat in, like, five minutes.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: So I guess I'll fly home with you guys. What time is your flight?
Phoebe: What about my cab?
Joey: Well, I don't need that anymore.
Phoebe: No, Joey, you borrowed my cab. You have to drive it back.
Joey: I don't wanna drive all the way back by myself. It gets so lonely. Oh, ooh, how about if you come with me?
Phoebe: I don't know. It's such a long trip.
Joey: It would be great. We could talk and play games. This could be our chance to, like, renew our friendship.
Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a "frienaissance"?
Joey: Sure?
Phoebe: All right, although I don't think we really need one, baby. I never stopped loving you.

Quote from Joey

Joey: What's up?
Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night.
Joey: My God. That's huge. Wait a minute. Why wasn't I invited? And who was gonna be your best man? Don't say Ross. Do not say Ross.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it's too soon? It's gonna break his heart. He's gonna think I don't love him anymore.
Phoebe: Well, you don't.
Monica: Yes, I do.
Phoebe: Good. Good. I was just testing you.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Oh, hi. Hi. You know, we were just talking about bacon.
Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night or...?
Rachel: What do you mean "last night"? Nothing happened last night.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross invited us all to watch.
Monica: Rach, we weren't gonna miss our friends getting married.
Rachel: Oh! Who got married?
Chandler: You did.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Wait, hello. We didn't get married.
Rachel: No, we didn't get married. That's ridi-- [both gasp]
Ross: Wait, wait, wait. I remember being in a chapel. But they would not let us get married when we were that drunk.
Joey: They let you get married when you're drunk. Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm drunk right now. What I can't have a mimosa with breakfast? I'm on vacation.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I can't believe I actually rolled an eight.
Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let's get married. I guess.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: We're doing the right thing, right?
Monica: Oh, of course we are. We left it up to fate. If we were supposed to get married, there would be a clear-cut sign. [the elevator door opens to reveal a reverend holding a bible]

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. Come on, Joey. You can't win if you don't ask any ... [shouting] questions!

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Hey, hubby.
Ross: Yeah. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay. So we'll just stay married.
Ross: Yes, exactly.
Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller.
Ross: Wow, this is so amazing. I really thought I'd have to talk you into this more.
Rachel: Okay, see now I'm scared because I don't actually think you're kidding.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: All right. Look, just please take a moment here and think about what you're asking of me. Okay?
Ross: I am asking you to do me a favor.
Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife.
Ross: And, as my wife, I think you should grant me this favor.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Listen. I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you wanna stay married. We register and you get to keep all the presents.
Rachel: [Rachel ponders this idea] No, Ross, come on.

Quote from Phoebe

Bill: There's the train station, where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.
Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you're a drifter. So ball's pretty much in your court.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Come on, Pheebs, I can't take this anymore. Please talk to me. Let me make it up to you.
[singing] Ground control to Major Tom, Commencing countdown, Engines on, Take your protein pills, And put your helmet on, This is-
Phoebe: Stop it. Stop it. No. That's not fair. You know I can't resist that beautiful voice.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So can we play 20 Questions now? I got a good one. I've been thinking about it since Kansas.
Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich?
Joey: Yes.
Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub?
Joey: That is incredible. You are the master.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Bug! [Rachel throws a bouquet of flowers, Monica catches them] Ah, that's funny. You look like you're gonna be the next bri-
Monica: Don't say it. Don't even think it.
Rachel: Geez. All right. Okay, Chandler, enjoy your handful.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I'm sick of the signs. It's too fast. I'm happy the way things are.
Chandler: Me too.
Monica: I don't want change, do you?
Chandler: No.
Monica: All right then. Then nothing changes. Everything is great and everything stays the same. And you go unpack, because it's been three days and it's driving me insane!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that.
Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Here's your key. Here's your key. Now you have to go out and christen it. Now go out and come back in.
Chandler: Door hasn't been locked in five years, but okay.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Little problem. The key broke in the lock, and I can't get in.
Monica: Wait. Oh, my God, I can't get out.
Chandler: This isn't a sign.
Monica: No, no, no. It's not a sign. It's just a very old key.
Chandler: It's an old key.
Monica: Oh, my God, it's old.
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: I love you.
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, me neither.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Do you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, why not?
Rachel: Pheebs?
Phoebe: No thanks, I've already seen one.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I can't believe Ross and Rachel got married.
Joey: I know! I didn't even know they were dating again.
Chandler: Well, I don't think they are as much dating as they are two bottles of vodka walking around in human form.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, that's your thing.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Your thing, your thing. You're the guy who gets divorced.
Chandler: Oh, yeah.
Ross: No, no, that's not "my thing." I do not love getting divorced.
Phoebe: Yes, you do.This is your third divorce. You love divorce so much, you're probably gonna marry it ... and then it won't work out, so you're gonna have to divorce it. Divorcing guy. [laughs] I'm so drunk.


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