Murray: So, you're not a replacement Eagle. There's no shame in not wanting your head knocked off.
Barry: So, you're not disappointed?
Murray: Are you kidding? I had a blast teaching you my old snapping tricks.
Barry: I guess I'm just worried, without football, we have nothing in common.
Murray: Barry, we have everything in common. You're my kid.
Barry: So, you'd want to hang out, even when there's no game on?
Murray: I love the Eagles... but my true joy is you.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Was I an out-of-touch, spoiled-rotten kid? Only one way to find out... by testing the limits of my cheapest family member.
Adam: Dad, can I have a brand-new car?
Murray: Sure. Whatever.
Adam: Wait. Are there really no limits to what you'll give me?
Murray: Sure. Whatever.
Adam: Whatever I want? Like a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am that talks like KITT in Knight Rider?
Murray: Sure.
Adam: What about a Miami Vice speedboat?
Murray: Whatever.
Adam: What about a to-scale exact replica of Optimus Prime's blue and red semi-truck?
Murray: What? Get away from me! I'm trying to watch The Weather Channel, and I missed the dew point!
Adam: Oh, I'm not wildly spoiled. You're just a horrible, disengaged parent. Thanks for everything you are, Dad.
Murray: Sure, whatever.

Barry: As you know, Joanne and I have been getting very serious recently.
Murray: Wait, the lady from the car wash? Ah, she does a deep scrub. Good for you, pal!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As I set my sights on a leading lady, my dad took the lead on cheering up my heartbroken sister.
Murray: Everything's gonna be all right, sweetheart. I think. I don't know. Y-You tell me.
Beverly: [sits up] Damn it, Murray, you are absolutely terrible at comforting me.
Murray: Of course I am. And why are you in Erica's room?
Beverly: Because it reminds me of Geoff, okay? He was my everything.
Murray: What are you talking about?
Beverly: God! You don't get it. You don't get me. Just leave me alone.
Murray: I would, but who's gonna put the tomato sauce on the meatloaf?

Erica: I brought ice cream.
Murray: Ah, yeah!
Erica: For Mom.
Murray: Who comes into a room and says something like that?

Adam: I like New York.
Murray: Not a fan. Providence, Rhode Island... that's a city.
Adam: New York is irrelevant, Dad. I'm using an acting technique to improve my stage voice.
Murray: You know who's a great actor? The Fall Guy, Lee Majors. Very handsome.
Adam: Acting isn't entirely about appearance, but I could see how you'd make that mistake.
Murray: They paid $6 million for that guy... a bargain.

Murray: Why are you calling your girlfriend stupid?
Adam: Maybe 'cause she's so much better than I am. I mean, look at her out there. She hasn't said a word yet, and the audience is spellbound.
Murray: You don't want to support your girlfriend? Actors make a lot of money. Lee Majors... two swimming pools and a helicopter.
Adam: I don't care about Lee Majors. I'm consumed by jealousy. I actually considered untying a sandbag and killiing Matt Schernecke, but the knot was too complicated.
Murray: Adam, do you know why I'm here?
Adam: 'Cause Mom sent you.
Murray: Yes. But I'm also here to support you in your big moment. That's what you do for people you love. So, break an egg.
Adam: It's "break a leg."
Murray: I don't care.

Beverly: Okay, well, Bill took that too far there, but, uh, how does that make you feel, Mur? Like you want to maybe reconsider everything?
Murray: Mold? [chuckles] I just got some new cream for my toenails. I'll plop it on the wall, it'll all disappear.

Murray: Hey. What are you doing in here and not out on the crystal brown waters of the Atlantic?
Adam: Why do you want me to surf so bad?
Murray: You're the only one not embracing our beach lifestyle. Now go on out there and ride the big kahuna.
Adam: Is that a person?
Murray: I don't know who it is! But he's out there.

Beverly: Okay, Murray, I need a box of tissues, fashion magazines, and a block of chocolate big enough to dance on. My baby needs her mama!
Murray: [TV shuts off] I got a better idea. I'll handle it.
Beverly: Up-bup. Handle what?
Murray: Oh, the blubbering one.
Beverly: No offense, Murray, but when Barry had a broken heart, you told him to zip it or take it outside.
Murray: That's because She's the Sheriff was on. This is different.