Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, it felt like I grew up at school. From crashing assemblies to crushing school dances, I found lots of ways to leave my mark. But that didn't matter now that I was an upperclassman, 'cause nothing cemented your legacy quite like your senior prank.
JC Spink: Fellow seniors, throw out your prank suggestions. No bad ideas.
Dave Kim: We all come to school wearing turtlenecks.
JC Spink: There are bad ideas.

JC Spink: I mean, we gotta hit that statue now. Ball basically just told us to.
Brea: What if we just dressed him up in an embarrassing outfit?
Dave Kim: Adam, you have tons of shameful costumes, right?
Adam: Normally, I'd jump at the chance to show off my collection of screen-worn memorabilia, but Principal Ball made it pretty clear... that statue's a big no-no.
Dave Kim: Dude, this is our senior prank. It's our last chance. Once we're adults, pranks are called crimes.

Beverly: Okay, Murray, I need a box of tissues, fashion magazines, and a block of chocolate big enough to dance on. My baby needs her mama!
Murray: [TV shuts off] I got a better idea. I'll handle it.
Beverly: Up-bup. Handle what?
Murray: Oh, the blubbering one.
Beverly: No offense, Murray, but when Barry had a broken heart, you told him to zip it or take it outside.
Murray: That's because She's the Sheriff was on. This is different.

Murray: It's Daddy Daughter Day!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was a classic move. Back in the day, my dad took my sister to this very rink for some quality father-daughter bonding.
Erica: But I haven't been here in years, and I was so young and stupid, and I think you might be wearing the same shirt.
Murray: Come on. It'll melt all your troubles away. Besides, I didn't eat salt this morning so my skates would fit.
Erica: One lap.
Murray: Let's do it.

Adam: You sure you were discreet?
Beverly: Don't worry, Schmoo. I sent Principal Ball a memo made with cut-up words out of magazine, like a ransom note. I should have been a kidnapper.
Adam: If it makes you feel any better, you did steal most of my childhood.
Beverly: It does. Ta!

Adam: Bar, I'm in trouble. Wait. What are you doing?
Barry: We're out of TP, so I'm improvising. Cheggit.
Adam: Hey, you did something good with a saw.
Barry: Now, tell your wise brother your woes.
Adam: Well, my friends used me to pull a prank.
Barry: A tale as old as time, but your situation is even worse than you think.
Adam: Worse?
Barry: If you're not actively involved in a senior prank, no one will remember you. Like Seth Snider?
Adam: The son of the pretzel baron?
Barry: Not even a little. He graduated my year without a prank to his name. I only remember him 'cause he had that weird thing on his nose.
Adam: That thing was weird. What was that?
Barry: No one will ever know. Well, probably him and the dermatologist and the insurance company and his friends and family and anyone who isn't afraid to ask. Long list. Anyway. Let's get prankin'.

Adam: But pranks get you in trouble!
Barry: Look, you may not have the courage, the mental agility, the hunger...
Adam: Sure, but...
Barry: ...the physical prowess, the danger in your eyes, the cunning wit.
Adam: I get it.
Barry: The muscles in your arms, legs, or back.
Adam: Get to it!
Barry: But you do have something no one, including me, ever had.
Adam: Juvenile arthritis?

Beverly: You were looking for my keys to pull a prank at school.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She caught me red-handed. There was only one thing to do... tell her the truth. Kinda.
Adam: Rats. Phooey. I guess the mother-son prank is off.
Beverly: Mother-son prank? [scoffs] Like I'd ever believe that.
Adam: I got to thinking, what better way for my judgy peers to remember me by than with a very public love note to the woman...
Beverly: You came out of.
Adam: I was gonna say "raised me," but sure.
Beverly: Well, that makes a tremendous amount of sense. Just for fun, what would that giant banner of love say?
Adam: I guess I'd go with something like, "Adam Loves His Mama."
Beverly: [gasps] You are such a good writer.
Adam: But too bad. Without the keys, it's not happening. The world will just have to wonder, do I love you?

Beverly: Tell you what. I'm just gonna forget my keys right here. [Keys clack] And if anyone chooses to come looking for them, I'd never know.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] There they were. I finally had my...
Beverly: Whoa! I, uh... I need my P.O. box key. A lot of mail-order shopping your dad would frown upon. [keys clack] Oop! Clumsy me, forgetting my keys again.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had the access. Now all I had to do was...
Beverly: I forgot my Mace. You know, with my blond hair and curvy physique, I'm a magnet for pervs. There. [keys clack] [whispers] I was never here.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, I officially had the keys to unlock my legacy.

Barry: Ha ha. Boom! This high-traffic area is fully greased.
Adam: Just adding some finishing touches.
Barry: What is that? What are you doing?
Adam: Adding rock salt. Don't want the floor to be too slippery.
Barry: Yes, you do. How is anyone gonna hurtle themselves into the locker, possibly needing to go to the hospital while everyone giggles?
Adam: I don't want to hurt anyone.
Barry: Tell me you didn't take the Saran Wrap off the toilets.
Adam: Of course not! I just hung up signs saying "Warning: these toilets are Saran-Wrapped."
Barry: You're gonna disgrace the Goldberg name by not disgracing the Goldberg name! I'm gonna go find a locker to punch.
Adam: And I'm gonna run a mop over this to save the janitor the trouble.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry was right. I was a good boy, doomed to be forgotten.. until I saw something that changed all of that.