Adam: Wow, we're on our own in the big city. The concrete jungle, where buildings touch the sky.
Dave Kim: And blot out the sun. I hope these city dwellers are supplementing with vitamin D.
Adam: Come on, let's just get out there and see what she has to offer. The art, the cuisine from far and wide, the most sophisticated and urbane people in the world.
Dave Kim: Philadelphia? There's a guy out there in an Eagles jersey screaming "Dallas sucks!" as he pukes. It's a Tuesday in the spring.
Adam: Dave Kim, whether you like it or not, we're downtown boys now, and we're gonna do downtown-boy things.
Dave Kim: Fine. I could get a coffee.
Adam: Yes! Let's do it.

Adam: Ah, I love coffee! It's so bitter and awful, but also alluring and delicious.
Dave Kim: My twitching eyes and racing heart are distracting me from my impending tummy trouble.

Adam: Yeah! Beep-dop-ming-bzzrt-unum-oomray.
Dave Kim: Nep-sha-orkyay-victus-erghbot. [both laugh]
Barry: What the hell am I looking at?
Adam: We developed our own private language based on the sounds of R2-D2 and Latin.
Dave Kim: Both classical and pig.
Adam: We call it Artootin.
Erica: Good God, man.
Dave Kim: Ah! To celebrate, I'm gonna treat myself to a new turtleneck in NYU violet. To the Sears boys' section!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry was right. I was the king of big, apologetic gestures.
Dave Kim: The Say Anything boombox? I'm turning on the sprinklers!
Adam: Aw, geez! [trips] Ohh!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Problem was, Dave Kim knew all my moves.
Dave Kim: Sappy montage of all our greatest moments, some in shameless slow-motion, set to an emotionally manipulative song?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] So I pulled out my biggest weapon.
Adam: Okay, okay! Here he comes!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Not even Dave Kim could resist a giant musical number.
Adam: A-one and a-two...
Dave Kim: Stop! Nobody dance!
Adam: But we have a humongous choreographed musical number set to the song "Friends" by rap-pop duo Whodini.
Dave Kim: You don't get it. The only reason I even chose NYU was because you were going to be there. But after what you did, we are no longer friends, and we never will be.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The only problem was, my mom had no idea just how lazy we'd become.
Adam: I never thought P.E. was a class I'd actually look forward to.
Dave Kim: I know. I finally found a good use for a badminton racket. [scratches back] Ahh. This is why we take the field.

Beverly: We're gonna do some pelvic loops, okay? Pretend there's a crayon tied to your hips, and you're gonna just do big circles.
Adam: This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone. [Dave Kim runs in] Not you, too, Dave Kim?
Dave Kim: Sorry. Mariel's here. Dave Kim needs this.
Adam: Just go.
Dave Kim: I never wasn't gonna.

Dave Kim: I may have once kissed the TV when Wonder Woman was on. Also, it was more than once.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The time to graduate was here, but my mom still wasn't.
Principal Ball: Welcome, students and families, to the graduation of the class of 198...[microphone feedback] If everyone would please take a seat, we will... commence. [Mr. Glascott laughs] Randall Henry Abington, come get your diploma.
Adam: What the hell, man? It's starting, and my mom is nowhere in sight.
Dave Kim: Mine is. [off Adam's look] What? Does everything have to be about you?

Adam: I'm deferring for a year.
Dave Kim: Dude, I chose NYU so we could go together. To share our adventure?
Adam: I talked to student housing, and you're gonna be sharing your adventure with Yuri Agapov. He's enrolled in the school's elder education foreign exchange program.
Dave Kim: My freshman-year roommate is some old Russian dude?
Adam: I'm sorry. But maybe you can distract yourself by coming up with ideas to tell my mom why I'm not going with you.
Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied thinking about how you ruined my life.
Pop-Pop: Lives get ruined, that's the way of the world. You eat the crap sandwich, you hope the next one's smaller. But it never works out that way.
Dave Kim: He is not like your other grandpa.

Adam: Barry gave me an idea, Dave Kim. Follow me to my car.
Dave Kim: What happens if I commit and then you just decide not to go to your car? Huh? Huh? [to the JTP] We can do better than these people.