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That's a Schwartz Man

‘That's a Schwartz Man’

Season 10, Episode 2 -  Aired September 28, 2022

Erica and Geoff agree that they won't learn the sex of their baby. Meanwhile, Adam is worried that Beverly isn't ready for him to leave for NYU.

Quote from Andy

Barry: Enough! We are not here to discuss Ginzy's shaky family relationships. I want to hear some ideas. JTP, hit me!
Andy: You could write a letter to his fan club? That's how I got Captain Kangaroo's J. Hancock.


Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: It was September 28th, 1980-something, and Erica and Geoff were crossing an important milestone.
They were about to learn the sex of their baby.
Geoff: This is so exciting. And it's not that I'm rooting for it to be a girl, but I could really use a break from all the mohel interviews.
Erica: I think I'm nervous.
Geoff: I know your mom just wants to find the right guy, but a dozen in-depth discussions about ritual circumcision seems like too many.
Erica: Of course, your pacing isn't helping.
Geoff: She also says "penis" and "foreskin" way more than is necessary. Like, we all get the procedure.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Geoff and Erica still didn't know if they were having a boy or a girl, and it was time to find out the truth.
Dr. Bowman: So, this is the sonogram your father, the ophthalmologist, was looking at when he determined you were having a boy?
Geoff: And the appendage in question was, um, reminiscent in the style of most Schwartz men.
Dr. Bowman: Yeah, that's a pinky.
Geoff: Yeah, it is pink, isn't it? But don't worry, it'll cool down to a pale chiffon.
Dr. Bowman: I meant, that's not a penis.
Geoff: Well, it's not much, but it'll still do what it needs to.
Erica: He's saying it's a pinky finger, dumb-dumb.
Geoff: Ohh.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Geoff and Erica had a decision to make, my mom knew exactly what she wanted to say to me.
Beverly: [without turning around] Home already, schmoo?
Adam: We wrapped early. The director threw a tantrum about his smoothie and wouldn't come out of his trailer. That's Holly weird.
[When Beverly turns around, she is wearing a sweater with "Liar" bedazzled on the front]
Adam: Oh, balls! Your sweater would suggest that you know I'm not actually working with David Hasselhoff.
Beverly: Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it was for me to bedazzle this sweater, Adam?
Adam: No, but it seems like there might have been an easier way to call me out.
Pop-Pop: She's been ironing with her back to the door for an hour.
Barry: What's going on? [notices Beverly's sweaters] Oh. This should be good.
Beverly: I went to see Mr. Hasselhoff to deliver a "thank you parm" for hiring Adam, but he made the whole thing up. My schmoo is a this! A big fat this!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Ah, JTP, my barbecue rib, fried rice, taco pizza.
Andy: Whoo!
Barry: Buckle up and enjoy your international journey.
Naked Rob: It's both sweet and salty, but also soft and crunchy, as if zero thought was given to its assembly.
Andy: Oh! I just bit into something sharp.
Barry: That's rib bone. I left them in for some extra flavor.
Matt: That explains why my slice is so heavy.
Barry: Pizza can be anything.
Andy: Not in this case. Move! I'm outta here!
Barry: I'll finish his. [eats] Ew. Not bad.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, David Hasselhoff was everywhere. He rocked the free world in those red shorts on the beach. And no one worshipped the Hoff more than my brother, Barry.
Barry: JTP! Plus assorted lessers.
All: JTP! Plus assorted lessers.
Virginia Kremp: Barry, we are not your lessers. We're parents...
Barry: Shh. I'm talking.
Virginia Kremp: Okay. What'd I just taste on that finger?
Barry: Either marmalade or Laffy Taffy.
Virginia Kremp: Why do we keep coming over here?

Quote from Bill Lewis

Barry: Let me answer that question with a question: Do you guys know who's in Philadelphia right now?
Matt: The mayor?
Andy: The Oak Ridge Boys?
Naked Rob: I have no guess, but I'm excited.
Barry: America's most dynamic film and TV star, David Hasselhoff!
Bill Lewis: Morning gravy! I love him in Knight Rider. Making the audience believe that you have a complicated, emotional relationship with a car? That's acting, folks.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adam: Great, you're all here. We have got a lot to go over. Barry, take a seat.
Barry: [scoffs] Why would I sit? This is my meeting to brainstorm how I can meet and befriend David Hasselhoff.
Adam: No, it's my meeting to brainstorm how the community can come together to fill the void in Mom's heart when I go to college in a week.
Bill Lewis: I was invited to both meetings. It's a neat feeling.

Quote from Adam

Virginia Kremp: Adam, you don't need to worry. Your mom is ready for this.
Adam: You're just projecting how you feel about Chad going to college. You gotta remember, my mom loves me way more than you love your son.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adam: Now on to me! The key to helping mom will be to distract her. She may not care about you all that much, but she's always game for meddling in someone else's business. Bill, what's going on in your life?
Bill Lewis: Well, Dolores and I are remodeling our kitchen.
Virginia Kremp: Ooh.
Bill Lewis: I could ask Bev to pick out knobs.
Adam: Hmm, we need something more personal.
Bill Lewis: More personal than knobs? Okay.
Adam: What if you confided in her that you and Dolores are having issues? You two have seemed distant lately.
Bill Lewis: We have?
Barry: She looks right past you, Bill. Everyone sees it.

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