Dave Kim: What the actual [bleep]?!
Erica: Whoa!
Barry: Eddie Murphy words!
Dave Kim: You guys convinced your brother not to live with me next year.
Barry: We have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, Dave Kim.
Erica: I think that you should examine the possibility that Adam despises you.
Adam: [scoffs] No, no, no, no. It's just a personal whim.
Dave Kim: A "personal whim," you say? So this carelessly-placed chalkboard wouldn't happen to include a detailed list that led Adam to his ill-fated decision?
Barry: Merely a simple chalkboard for playing Hangman and other games I can't think of right now. [Dave Kim flips the chalkboard over] Whoa! That thing flips? I've been turning it longwise.

Dave Kim: "Reasons Not To Live With DK." Unbelievable!
Adam: Well, you don't know. [chuckles] "DK" could stand for Donna Karan. Or Donkey Kong.
Dave Kim: Turtlenecks! Bowl cut! My profound sleep apnea?! Only you and Dave Kim's mom know about that!
Erica: So we're trying to help our little brother not be a social disaster before he even starts college. It's not personal. Sorta.
Dave Kim: [scoffs, chuckles] You're gonna go there? Because you're just a married lady who can't sing. Drop out of another school, why don't you?! Because your best years are behind you!
Erica: Whoa!
Barry: Ha! He got you bad.
Dave Kim: And you. With your stupid fingers and gross shirts and fake bravado masking colossal insecurity. You're a buffoon who can't rap, runs weird, and no one likes you!
Barry: What are these words?!
Adam: Let's just take a beat.
Dave Kim: You're the worst of all. 'Cause you listened to them. Unum-dip-shnee-[whistles]-vici-ate-you-hay.
Erica: What'd he say?
Adam: Horrible, horrible things.
Barry: [after writing "Mean!" on the chalkboard] Mean.

Beverly: Boys, catch Vic up on Dynasty in the next seconds.
Barry: Buckle up! Low-born nobody Krystle marries silver fox oil baron Blake Carrington.
Adam: Nick blames Blake for his brother's su1c1de in an Iraqi prison, but, really, he just wants to seduce his daughter.
Barry: Turns out, Fallon is alive, but she has amnesia!
Adam: She goes by Randall Adams now.
Barry: Blake and Nick fight on a mountain, Blake falls off a pony, and totally dies.
Adam: Cecil and Alexis are all... [smooching]
Vic: Oh!
Adam: But then he has a heart attack, and he's all, "Ohh!"
Barry: Turns out, Liam is alive, but he has amnesia!
Both: Krystle and Alexis fight before the Black and White Ball.
Barry: ... on a mountain. Krystle and Alexis fight in a mudslide.
Adam: Krystle and Alexis fight in a parlor. And then they find out they're all cousins.
Vic: Cousins?

Beverly: It's starting! A window into my palatial life is starting!
Vic: Ooh! [music plays on television] Ohh! Lack of preamble! They start the show with a slap?! Oh, the appeal is evident.
Adam: Classic TV slap. See how she uses her downstage hand? Totally fakes the untrained eye.
Barry: We'll show ya. How dare you steal my yacht?! [play slaps Adam]
Vic: He's delightfully added context to the violence!
Adam: You're sleeping with my chauffeur?! [play slaps Barry]
Erica: Nice! We're playing slapsies? I want in on this.
Barry: No, no, no, no! [Erica slaps Barry] Wrong hand!
Beverly: Oh!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 23rd, 1980-something, and with college on the horizon, it was time to fill out my roommate questionnaire for NYU.
Adam: "Do you consider yourself shy, fairly shy, neutral, fairly outgoing, or outgoing?" Good ol' neutral.
Erica: Okay, I'm just here to do laundry. Can you do whatever this is on the driveway?
Adam: I'm trying to match with my perfect roommate, and it's impossible. I mean, look at this question... "How comfortable are you with nudity?"
Barry: You'll write in "very."
Adam: Are you holding a kielbasa in your bare hand?
Barry: Lucky for you, I was peckish for this Polish delight. An improperly filled out roommate questionnaire can ruin the rest of your life.
Erica: The sausage dummy's right for once.

Erica: You fill that out wrong, and you might wind up living with someone like you.
Adam: Isn't that the goal?
Erica: If you want to bunk up with a social reject.
Barry: We love you, but you suck, bro.
Adam: Then what am I supposed to do?
Barry: Make yourself look cool. For example, smoking... You check yes and no.
Adam: That's just confusing.
Barry: Confusion equals uncertainty, which equals mystery, which equals cool.

Adam: Yeah! Beep-dop-ming-bzzrt-unum-oomray.
Dave Kim: Nep-sha-orkyay-victus-erghbot. [both laugh]
Barry: What the hell am I looking at?
Adam: We developed our own private language based on the sounds of R2-D2 and Latin.
Dave Kim: Both classical and pig.
Adam: We call it Artootin.
Erica: Good God, man.
Dave Kim: Ah! To celebrate, I'm gonna treat myself to a new turtleneck in NYU violet. To the Sears boys' section!

Adam: This is a good thing. I mean, after Brea couldn't join me at NYU, I thought I was gonna be alone. But now I have my rock!
Barry: Dave Kim is a rock... a rock that will weigh you down socially.
Erica: We're in college. We know how this works. Live with Dave Kim, and you two will dweeb yourselves into a dorky black hole from which you will never escape.
Adam: We do get a little lost in each other sometimes.
Erica: I'm so glad you said that. Now repeat it back to yourself and hear how strange it sounds.
Adam: [quietly] We do get a little lost in each other sometimes. Oh, balls!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I was hoping the roommate NYU assigned me was a perfect match.
Adam: You must be Jed. Are you a freshman?
Jed: I'm what they call an "encore student"... paying for school with the G.I. Bill.
Adam: G.I.? Like my favorite action figures. But you're real. [laughs] And super intense.
Jed: Had a platoon buddy named Adam once. He's in heaven now. At least, I hope there's a heaven, because I know there's a hell.
Adam: Well, I'm bringing a hamburger phone, so we got that covered.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Meeting Jed convinced me that the only weird, intense roommate I wanted was my lifelong best pal.
Adam: There's my wildly handsome friend who's known for his forgiving and forgetting nature.
Dave Kim: Save it.
Adam: No, no, no, no, no! Please be my roommate!
Dave Kim: Too late. I already have one.
Adam: Balls! Did yours also have his marriage dissolve when he came back stateside?
Dave Kim: He's the nephew of Hollywood character actor Ernie Hudson.
Adam: Winston from the "Ghostbusters?!" He's my fourth favorite!
Dave Kim: Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
Adam: Who ya gonna call, Dave Kim?
Dave Kim: I think you know.