Naked Rob: I, too, am at a crossroads. Um, my dad's retiring. And I always thought, you know, if nothing panned out, I could just follow him into that career, but that door has just been shut.
Barry: You're upset you can no longer manufacture toddler car seats?
Naked Rob: We saved lives. Except for that one model.

Matt: I've gone as far as I can go at the Gap. The back-to-school rush used to be exhilarating. But nowadays, it's just like, "Will these kids please stop unfolding the jeans?!"

Jean Calabasas: Uh, I guess we're really gonna do this. Two, three, four! [up-tempo music plays over speakers]
Barry: [all sing] # Oh, girl, where are you from # It's super cool that we're both so young #
Naked Rob: # Yeah, girl # I think it'd be groovy # To take you out to an R-rated movie #
Andy: # Hey, girl, there's nobody finer # But I cannot hang with you if you are a minor #
Matt: # Because of my age, certain statutes apply # If you're under 18 , then I'm just not your guy #
Barry: # Yo, girl # Or should I say, young lady # I need to see some I.D., and then we can go crazy #
All: # You gotta be age appropriate # We're boys but also men # Please be age appropriate # And that means 8 plus 10 #
Naked Rob: [baritone Voice] # Or older #
Barry: [rapping] # What's up, girl, or should I call you "madam"? # I know you don't know me, know me from Adam # Adam's my brother, he's 17 # If you're young like him, then you're too green # But if you can vote or buy a gun # Then you and me can have some fun #
All: # You gotta be age appropriate # We're boys who can grow beards # Please be age appropriate # Or else it would be weird # [music ends]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, there were no closer friends than my brother Barry's crew, the JTP. They played together, lived together, even did whatever this was together. Yep, they were inseparable. For my brother and his boys, this was how it would be forever. Or so they thought.
Barry: Oh, man, that was an epic Pat's vs. Geno's cheesesteak taste battle, and they're still going at it inside me.
Andy: Uh, it's nothing the good folks at Tums can't handle.
Matt: I read an article in Reader's Digest. Said to use Gas-X.
Andy: Oh.
Matt: Let's see, I can't read the dosage. Is that a "3" or a cartoon butt?
Andy: Let me take a look. Here, can you hold my walking stick?
Barry: What's going on with you guys? You're acting like old men. How much time does Naked Rob need in the bathroom?

Erica: Have your fun, but while I'm starting my new life, you'll be here all alone with Mom.
Adam: What are you talking about?
Erica: Dad's at that furniture convention, remember?
Adam: [sighs] Oh.
Dave Kim: Wow, people will really convene over anything.
Erica: And while he's away, Mom is gonna be on you like gravy on rice.
Dave Kim: You put gravy on rice?
Erica: You can gravy anything, Dave Kim. But the point is, Adam's in real trouble.
Adam: Dammit, she's right! She's gonna smother me like gravy on muffins.
Dave Kim: Gravy is not that versatile.

Erica: Unless...
Adam: Unless what?
Erica: ...you watch our apartment while we're away. Water our plants, check our mail, be there when our new dishwasher arrives.
Adam: No way. You just want me to be your houseboy.
Erica: No, but the delivery window is anytime between 8:00 and 6:00 for the next 13 days.

Adam: Wow, we're on our own in the big city. The concrete jungle, where buildings touch the sky.
Dave Kim: And blot out the sun. I hope these city dwellers are supplementing with vitamin D.
Adam: Come on, let's just get out there and see what she has to offer. The art, the cuisine from far and wide, the most sophisticated and urbane people in the world.
Dave Kim: Philadelphia? There's a guy out there in an Eagles jersey screaming "Dallas sucks!" as he pukes. It's a Tuesday in the spring.
Adam: Dave Kim, whether you like it or not, we're downtown boys now, and we're gonna do downtown-boy things.
Dave Kim: Fine. I could get a coffee.
Adam: Yes! Let's do it.

Adam: Ah, I love coffee! It's so bitter and awful, but also alluring and delicious.
Dave Kim: My twitching eyes and racing heart are distracting me from my impending tummy trouble.

Barry: I was barely listening, but I have the perfect solution. [knock on door] We're gonna be in the next great boy band.
Jean Calabasas: [enters] Hey, I'm Jean Calabasas, your manager and boy-band consultant. And it's worse than I thought.
Matt: Bar, what's going on? We're not boys anymore.
Barry: We're boys who just happen to be older than conventionally aged boys.
Naked Rob: You mean, adults?
Barry: Sure, but also boys. And I have the perfect name for our band.
Matt: "Men4Boyz"?
Barry: I took one of the best boy-band names, Boyz II Men, I flipped it, then I doubled it.
Naked Rob: That reads like "Men for boys."
Barry: We're a tad older, but still youthful. Twice as good. I flipped it, and then I doubled it.
Andy: Yeah, I'm gonna move on. He's not getting it.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My brother had somehow convinced the JTP to form a boy band, despite the fact that none of them were actually boys.
Barry: Gentlemen! Look at each other closely. Today is the last day you're all nameless losers.
Matt: Losers?
Barry: Don't you want this? 'Cause there's a trillion other boys right behind you who do.
Matt: That seems like too many boys.