Murray: Okay, why did I close my store and rush down here?
Coach Mellor: Because President Reagan asked me personally through a xeroxed letter to oversee a fitness test of his design. And your son tried to get out of it with an absurd note that no parent would ever write.

Coach Mellor: Using these state-sanctioned calipers, I will rank you by weight and girth. Let's grab that flab.

Coach Mellor: Picking teams has been the same since the dawn of physical education. The awesome jocks choose kids in descending order of athletic ability. What is the problem?
Adam: The problem is the rest of us suffer. Turns out, gym class will determine how society views us for the rest of our lives.
Coach Mellor: People really think that?
Adam: Of course. Don't you realize gym is the most important class there is?
Coach Mellor: Well, I know that. It's just, when the English department doesn't invite you out for bowling night, it really gets in your head.

Coach Mellor: All right, stop your stretching. We're gonna watch the movie "Bloodsport".
Erica: Not that I'm complaining, but isn't that, like, wildly inappropriate and has nothing to do with gym class?
Coach Mellor: "Sports" are in the title. Leave me alone. I got nothing left to give you kids! You did this to me!

Coach Mellor: Here. Take this. Training begins now.
Barry: [Air blows] Damn it, I broke it. Why do I have such powerful lungs?
Coach Mellor: No, it's a training whistle. You'll get the tiny, little ball that makes it work when you're ready.
Barry: When will that be?
Coach Mellor: Coach will know. Now let the physical education education begin. First up, drink this mix of celery and cod. Glug hard, boy. Glug hard.

Coach Mellor: Seems to me you're implying that being a gym coach isn't good enough.
Murray: No, I think what you do is amazing. Just not for my son. You've seen your life. You get it.
Coach Mellor: Well, he may be your son, but he's my gym son.
Murray: That's not a thing.
Coach Mellor: Oh, it is.
Murray: There's no such thing.
Coach Mellor: There's no greater bond in the world than between a coach and his boy protege.
Murray: I think except for the bond between a dad and his actual boy.
Coach Mellor: Well, may the best father win.
Murray: Well, that's me. I'm his father.
Coach Mellor: And I'm his coach-father.
Murray: We're done here.

Coach Mellor: Damn you, Goldbergs. [voice breaking] You always know how to hit me in my biggest muscle. My heart. [sighs] Although my my biceps are nuts, huh?

Coach Mellor: Coach is here and ready for his closeup! I am your clay. Mold me.
Adam: Coach Mellor? He's our star?
Murray: Oh, yeah. I slipped him the script. He responded to the material.
Adam: Well, I guess you're my only option, so you got the part.
Coach Mellor: You honor me.
Adam: Do you know your lines?
Coach Mellor: I memorized the whole script. I love the zingers. My favorite one "See you ladle." I like how you wrote "ladle" instead of "later." 'Cause I'm a cook.

Coach Mellor: Look, boys take home ec to boost their depressingly low GPA's.
Beverly: So it's not important to learn the science behind the three C's: cleaning, cooking, and cheesing?
Coach Mellor: Sure, in a pinch, a guy's got to know how to make a Manwich or scrub a bowl if a lady caller's stopping by, but your class is too hard.

Beverly: Well, if you ask me, the only blow-off class around here is gym. I could replace you with a pair of shorts, a Jane Fonda video, and a whistle.
Coach Mellor: You think you can just buy these shorts? Huh? You can. But you have to buy them at a special store for coaches.