TV Quotes

Erica: Mommy, remember that one time when I lived in your tummy?
Beverly: [gasps] So weird. I was just thinking about that.

Adam: [As Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll be back.
Beverly: You're not going anywhere, mister. You got schmutz all over your face. Here, let Mama get it off.
Adam: No! I'm Commando.
Beverly: Commando? No, no, no. Go put some undies on. You're gonna chafe your little gumdrops.

Adam: Evening, dad. Full disclosure I'm gonna do that thing where I present you with an awesome idea and ask you to fund it.
Pops: Kiddo, please don't put us all through this again. It's hard to watch.
Adam: Not this time. I've decided to make my first action movie. And I need you to help me realize my vision. Behold! It's called "Recipe for Death."
Murray: I'm in.
Adam: I play John Cook, the street-wise chef whose brother was kidnapped by the Mafia. Now the only thing I serve is vengeance.
Murray: I'm in.
Adam: Let me finish before you mock me. My movie stars the world's biggest, baddest action hero. He's not from Austria, like Arnold, or Belgium, like Van Damme, or wherever Steven Seagal is from. Probably central Florida. No! This superstar lives in our house! Me.
Murray: Stop talking! I'm in!
Pops: We get it, you're out, just let the poor yutz finish.
Murray: What part of "I'm in" don't you get? The answer is yes.
Adam: Oh, sweet balls! I've never made it this far. What do I ask for? I'm panicking.

Adam: My dad has a seriously freaky talent of making action-movie zingers. Watch. Hey, Dad. What would Arnold say if he threw a guy off a cliff?
Murray: "My favorite season is fall." "You've been grounded." "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a dead guy." "Surprise! Hope you weren't thrown."
Adam: What would Arnold say to a guy he just fed to a lion?
Murray: "Pleased to eat you." "This won't hurt, or am I lyin'?" "Show some pride."
Dave Kim: What would Arnold say if he just ripped a guy's heart out?
Murray: "You're under cardiac arrest." "Be my Valentine." "Don't be so heartless."
Adam: He could be an action star.
Murray: Bevy! I need your strong fingers.
Adam: Or maybe not.

Murray: Hoo-hoo! Look at Commando go! He just punched that guy dead! No, Commando! Don't go in that shed! Adam, Commando won't listen!
Adam: [whispering] You know who is listening? The entire theater!

Adam: "See you ladle"? I-I didn't write that.
Murray: That'd be me. I did some noodling with the script, partner.
Adam: Dad. You can't rewrite my script.
Murray: But you didn't have any snappy one-liners like Arnold says. That's the best part of an action movie.
Coach Mellor: Now you got a bunch of 'em. Sear you later. Spat-u-later. Cheese ya grater.
Adam: They are all the same!

Dave Kim: Schwarzenegger really is the coolest man alive.
Adam: And his acting gets slightly better in every movie.

Murray: Incredible. That had everything you want in a movie. Explosions, revenge, a steam pipe being thrown through a guy. All movies should be "Commando." Or "Rambo." Or any action movie with an "O" on the end, I'm in.

Adam: This is my big ticket to get him to finally pony up some dough for a homemade action movie.
Dave Kim: Dude, when are you gonna learn?
Adam: What?
Dave Kim: It's like every week you go to your dad and ask him to support one of your insanely geeky hobbies.
Adam: [scoffs] Name one.
Dave Kim: Robots, swords, video games, Space Camp, D&D, Magic, Fraggles, a new computer so you could "Weird Science" up a hot girl.
Adam: I live a rich life, Dave Kim! But this time's gonna be different 'cause for the first time, we love the same thing. He can't say no.
Dave Kim: And yet, I think he'll find a way.

Erica: Anyway. Can we go shopping for a dress?
Beverly: Wait, to clarify, I'm being invited to go shopping by you, my delicious little pickle.
Erica: Yeah, that's me. A pickle. Whatever it takes.
Beverly: [camera shutter clicks] Oh! I just had to capture the moment so I could remember it forever.
The moment when my daughter became my best friend.
Erica: So that's a yes?
Beverly: Heck, yes! Grab your coat! Look out, Gimbels! The Goldberg gals are coming in hot!
Erica: Actually, I was thinking a different store.
Beverly: Oh, but everybody loves Gimbels.
Erica: Yeah, it's like traveling back to a simpler, less-fashionable era. I was thinking more Benetton.
Beverly: Ooh, yes. That's the place where you order the meats and they cook them right there next to you and then they flip the meats into your mouth and then you eat the meats.
Erica: That's Benihana.
Beverly: Okay, then. So, Gimbels first, then flying meats, then we get our nails done, then a sherbet stop, then I gotta pick up your dad's prescription, then paddleboating in the park, and then who knows? The moon.

Beverly: Going out of business? What could that possibly mean?
Erica: I think that means they're going out of business.
Beverly: Gimbels is the biggest shopping chain in America. That's like saying Blockbuster Video shut down, or B. Dalton Books, or Circuit City. It's impossible!
Erica: It seems possible and very much happening.
Beverly: I think you need to shut your face-mouth! I'm sorry. This is the worst day of my life.

Beverly: Why are they naked? Give them their decency! They need bulky khakis and nylon blouses!
Erica: Calm down, mom. It's just a store.
Beverly: Not to me. I've had my best memories there. Just think of all the coupons I've doubled. All the managers I've made cry. All the clothes I've worn for a decade and then returned no questions asked.
Erica: No wonder they're going out of business.

Murray: Here's the stuff. Make it good.
Adam: Wow. Where'd you score this?
Murray: My cousin Russ films bar mitzvahs for a living. He said you could borrow it.
Adam: Whoa. Wait. All this time, I've had access to high-tech Hollywood film equipment, and you've never told me?
Murray: I guess I never connected the dots.
Adam: Oh, my God. There's, like, a warm sensation inside my heart.
Murray: Don't make it weird.
Adam: It's like you're one of those dads in the stands cheering me on 'cause I'm good at athletic-sport competitions.
Murray: You made it weird. Now, just take the stuff and go.

Adam: Now that I'm a real director, I've gotta write a script and hire a crew-
Barry: And hire your leading man? You've come to the right place. And I accept your offer.
Murray: We didn't come to you, and there's no offer.
Adam: Wait. Maybe this is the one time Barry would actually be helpful.
Barry: This is the one time, bro! I've extensively studied the work of Chuck Norris and know what it takes to be a badass action star. Karate! Stunts! [groans] Acting. Surprise! Anger! Surprise! Anger! And most important love scene.
Murray: No. Please don't show us love scene.
Adam: Oh, sweet Lord.
Murray: He's never getting married.

Barry: So do I have the part?
Murray: No.
Adam: Yes.
Murray: I see what's happening. You're negotiating. I will reduce my normal fee of $1 million and will work for free. No, wait. $1,000! No. I'll pay you! Damn it. I blew it.

Beverly: Perhaps a dollop of tuna salad from the Benetton cafe will calm my nerves.
Erica: There is no cafe.
Beverly: Oh [bleep] no! I will find tuna. Give me [bleep] tuna!

Coach Mellor: Coach is here and ready for his closeup! I am your clay. Mold me.
Adam: Coach Mellor? He's our star?
Murray: Oh, yeah. I slipped him the script. He responded to the material.
Adam: Well, I guess you're my only option, so you got the part.
Coach Mellor: You honor me.
Adam: Do you know your lines?
Coach Mellor: I memorized the whole script. I love the zingers. My favorite one "See you ladle." I like how you wrote "ladle" instead of "later." 'Cause I'm a cook.

Adam: Dad, I appreciate the support, but this is still my movie.
Murray: Hey. Everyone knows that you're the creative vision behind "Recipe for Death 2."
Adam: Two? We haven't even filmed part one.
Murray: The best action movies are always the sequel, so we're just skipping ahead to the good stuff.

Beverly: This is bull corn.
Sales Associate: Okay. I'm going to have to ask you to take your business elsewhere.
Beverly: Ho-ho! You're banning me from your store? No-no, sister. I'm banning you.
Sales Associate: You can't ban me.
Beverly: Oh, I just did. You are Ban-itonned!
Sales Associate: That's not a word.
Beverly: Oh, it is now. I Bani-ton you from having the pleasure of us in your store, sucka!

Murray: I don't get it. You said you wanted my support.
Adam: I do. I-I did. I don't.
Murray: You can't give back support.
Adam: I just did.
Murray: No! You keep the support! And you're gonna get much more! I'm gonna support you but good!
Adam: Don't you dare say that!
Murray: Oh, you heard me! I'm a big blanket of support! A big blanket!

Erica: Look at her. She's not even Parming the shrimp. Without her Parm, it's just plain shrimp.
Lainey: Wow, you really messed her up.

Dave Kim: Wow, you really messed him up.
Adam: He's wearing pants and not touching his rocky road? This is bad.

Erica: Actually, this time it's my treat. The Gimbels downtown store is having a going-out-of-business sale. One day only. Everything 50% off.
Beverly: Big whoop. Sales come and go.
Erica: I also believe you've been collecting a lifetime of coupons, one of which is good for 50% off your entire purchase.
Beverly: Again, not interested.
Erica: You should also know that I called my old Gimbels manager and he said he would honor my employee discount. Another 50% off.
Beverly: That's half of half of half off. The shopping trifecta. Only the luckiest yentas ever get to see it.