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33Quotes from ‘The Greatest Musical Ever Written’

The Goldbergs: The Greatest Musical Ever Written

408. The Greatest Musical Ever Written

Aired November 30, 2016

Barry is upset when Adam and Lainey are cast in the school production of Phantom of the Opera. Meanwhile, Beverly takes charge of home ec class to teach Erica a lesson.

Quote from Barry

Ms. Cinoman: Okay, uh, putting aside that you don't know the title or the show and that we're already rehearsing, can you even sing?
Barry: Of course. I sing rap style.
Ms. Cinoman: Oh, well, there's no rapping in this play.
Barry: [Rapping] # Her name's Oprah Winfrey # Her partner is Stedman Back off, Donahue, or else you're a dead man She's a cultural icon, collected and calm She's Oprah Winfrey, America's mom [clicks tongue]

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Quote from Adam

Lainey: And guess what? You're Raoul.
Adam: Wait are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.
Lainey: There's an "F." It's Adam F.
Adam: My first big part. Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him.

Quote from Barry

Ms. Cinoman: Yay. Well, uh, thank you.
Barry: And then I break dance and kiss Lainey and win whatever's the theater equivalent of the Stanley Cup. I'll thank Oprah in my speech.
Ms. Cinoman: Okay, uh, the show's not about Oprah.
Barry: But hear me out. Could it be?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hey, Boopie. What's with the board? It's a year of maxing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes. Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Erica: Which is?
Beverly: Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
Erica: You know, some people put a man on the Moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Beverly: Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Erica: Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
Beverly: That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
Murray: When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
Beverly: They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You are the greatest Tin Boy the world has ever seen. [gasps] Oh, I'm sorry. Tin Man. My delicious, little Tin Man.

Quote from Barry

Barry: After much personal reflection, I've decided that I need to put aside my hate of everything you love and accept my destiny. I'm here to be a star.
Ms. Cinoman: I don't follow.
Barry: Neither do I. I lead. And Big Tasty's gonna make this dull-ass musical more popular than a football game. That's the reach of my appeal.
Ms. Cinoman: Ah, okay, well, auditions have already happened-
Barry: Do you want butts in seats or not?
Ms. Cinoman: Of course I want butts in seats. That's all I care about.
Barry: Then make me the lead of the show. Stedman, I guess.
Ms. Cinoman: Wait. What?
Barry: "The Phantom of the Oprah". I assume it's her longtime companion, Stedman. The man behind the woman.

Quote from Adam

Ms. Cinoman: After an exhilarating weekend in New York City I stayed in a hostel I have decided to change the musical from that sappy schlock fest that is "The Wizard of Oz" and tackle the greatest musical sensation of our generation.
Adam: But don't we, like, need permission from Andrew Lloyd Webber to do his show?
Ms. Cinoman: We do, and he's granted it to us.
Adam: What?!
Ms. Cinoman: In spirit. Look, do you want to be a giant wussbag for the rest of your life or be a star?

Quote from Erica

Erica: First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on to second period another study hall for naps and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home ec, and then ceramics, and then intro to summer.
Pops: That's a class?
Erica: It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Pops: Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Got to admit, all this prepping and planning very mature of you.
Pops: You approve of all this?
Murray: She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Pops: Your job? As a parent?
Murray: Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
Pops: And this has been you not phoning it in.
Murray: I've been working my ass off.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Oh, sweet mother of mercy!
Beverly: Welcome to "Home Economics."
Erica: What are you-
Beverly: I'll be your your sub for the day and week.
Erica: How are y-
Beverly: Possibly month. Only time will tell.
Erica: What did you do to to Ms. Horokawa?
Beverly: Oh, you mean Mrs. Silverstein? I introduced her to the man of her dreams. They eloped. Now they're in Belize on the trip of a lifetime.
Erica: You monster!

Quote from Beverly

JC Spink: Mrs. Goldberg?
Beverly: Chef Goldberg.
JC Spink: All due respect, Chef, but the team and I kind of took this class for an easy "A."
Beverly: Well, the only easy thing about this class is the eggs over. [laughs] All right, the fact that none of you are cracking up right now just shows your ignorance.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: First assignment lasagna! This will be the greatest challenge of your young lives.
Ruben Amaro Jr.: But my mom makes lasagna all the time. Is it really that hard?
Beverly: Uh, I don't know, Ruben Amaro Jr. Does four layers of hand-rolled noodles, freshly stewed tomatoes, and six imported cheeses sound hard to you?
JC Spink: But I only know two different types of cheese: string and whiz.
Beverly: Goat, Gruyere, Gouda. Those are just the G's. You want me to go on?

Quote from Naked Rob

Barry: You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.
Naked Rob: Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.
Andy: Yeah you're literally sweating it.
Barry: You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go change my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it.
Geoff: He's so sweaty.
Andy: Yeah, it's like a gland issue.
Naked Rob: Must be.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hey, crew? I'm sort of in character right now, and your side chatter's really pulling me out.
Barry: You might think you're super cool here, but when we get home, anything goes.
Adam: Sorry, we're doing that musical in the spring. [laughter]
Barry: Stop making stupid inside theater jokes I don't understand!

Quote from Beverly

Principal Ball: Okay, while I agree that these lasagnas both look and smell like a diaper fire, you can't give the entire class an "F."
Beverly: Can't I?
Coach Mellor: You can't. The very fabric of this school is based on the fact that home ec is an easy "A".
Beverly: Okay, what are you even doing here?
Coach Mellor: My entire offensive line took your class. If you fail them, we have no football team.
Beverly: Well, that's on them because they can't cook for [bleep].

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Look, boys take home ec to boost their depressingly low GPA's.
Beverly: So it's not important to learn the science behind the three C's: cleaning, cooking, and cheesing?
Coach Mellor: Sure, in a pinch, a guy's got to know how to make a Manwich or scrub a bowl if a lady caller's stopping by, but your class is too hard.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: Well, if you ask me, the only blow-off class around here is gym. I could replace you with a pair of shorts, a Jane Fonda video, and a whistle.
Coach Mellor: You think you can just buy these shorts? Huh? You can. But you have to buy them at a special store for coaches.

Quote from Adam

Principal Ball: People. People. Due to Ms. Cinoman's shattered arm, the producers at "Phantom" have learned of our very unauthorized production. Apparently, you can't do a brand-new hit Broadway show at a high school without getting permission.
Adam: Balls!
Principal Ball: Inappropriate, but precise.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Well, well, well. Looks like opening night was also closing night. That's right. Theater jokes.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Your mom just said, "Life is meaningless," and she locked herself in the bathroom.
Erica: I'm not gonna feel bad about this. She tried to fail me and the whole football team to prove a point.
Murray: For a smart girl, sometimes you're a real moron.
Erica: What's this?
Murray: Budgets and meal plans. Your whole life, she's been scrimping and couponing just to save enough money for you to go to any college that you choose.
Erica: I didn't know that.
Murray: Well, now you do. Don't make me start parenting you again. This was supposed to be my blow-off year.


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