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37Quotes from ‘The President's Fitness Test’

The Goldbergs: The President's Fitness Test

119. The President's Fitness Test

Aired April 1, 2014

When Adam worries about the upcoming Presidential Fitness test, Beverly offers to write a note to let him get out of gym class. Their plan backfires when Coach Meller says only a way to escape the test is a note from the President. As Beverly goes on a mission to get her son a presidential pardon, Murray tries to teach Adam the importance of trying. Meanwhile, Erica's French pen pal comes to visit, leading Barry to ask for his sister's help to impress their foreign house guest.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Absolutely not. Every kid in America has to take that test.
Beverly: Well, what does that have to do with my Adam?

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Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Now, why is this test important? America needs warriors to fight the evils of communism. Tomorrow, that battle begins with the seven basic exercises, which include the sit-and-reach, the mile run, and the pull-up.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I wrote the note.
Murray: Oh [bleep] me.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You know why I really want you to take this test?
Adam: You need an outlet for your hostility?
Murray: No. Stop aggravating me! I'm trying to help you here, man.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: My lord, that was the ugliest pull-up I've ever seen. You'll still get killed in the first wave of attacks, but maybe, just maybe, you'll take a couple of those commie bastards with you. Well done, Goldberg.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Has anyone seen my car? I know the sign says you can't park there, but it's okay 'cause I'm in love.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: The Presidential Fitness Test. Our great president, Ronald Reagan, along with the Predator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, care enough about you to demand physical excellence.
Adam: Technically, Arnold wasn't the Predator. He was the prey.
Coach Mellor: Nobody cares, Goldfarb.
Adam: It's Goldberg. It's literally written on my shirt.
Coach Mellor: Good for you.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Let me tell you something, Mr.and Mrs. Goldfarb. There are three things I hate in life: my ex-wife, carrots, and lies.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Murray: Okay, why did I close my store and rush down here?
Coach Mellor: Because President Reagan asked me personally through a xeroxed letter to oversee a fitness test of his design. And your son tried to get out of it with an absurd note that no parent would ever write.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Fanny just left for the airport. You didn't want to say goodbye?
Barry: What's the point? She thinks I'm a bed-wetting loser thanks to you.
Erica: Actually, I don't think she does. Look, she left you this note.
Barry: Oh, no! I don't read French!
Erica: Right, but I do. "Barry, sorry I was so weird around you. American boys intimidate me. Especially the ones who are so good at sports, nunchucking, and frisbee."
Barry: She knows about my frisbee skills? Did she write about the sketch I gave her of us riding a dolphin?
Erica: No, but she did say if you're ever in Paris, look her up.

Quote from Beverly

Comptroller: Question, do you have any idea what a comptroller does?
Beverly: Of course. He comptrols the great state of Pennsylvania, and I need him to get me to the man who comptrols America.
Comptroller: Here's a thing. Uh, "comptrol," the way you're using it, isn't a word.
Beverly: Yes, it is.
Comptroller: No. No, it's not.
Beverly: It is.
Comptroller: Not really.
Beverly: Yeah, it is.
Comptroller: Definitely not a word. Straight-up not a word.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I know you're aiming for down there, Ryan, but it's not cool!

Quote from Adam

Adam: What if you can't do a pull-up? I'm asking hypothetically for a friend that couldn't make it today. Name's Josh. You don't know him.
Coach Mellor: Well, if you are the kind of boy who is weak of will and spirit, you don't have to do it. Instead, you will join the girls in the flexed arm hang.
Adam: Josh is not gonna like that.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Honey, it's so late. Why are you sitting alone in the dark? Oh, no. What's the matter?
Adam: Nothing.
Beverly: Poopie, something's wrong. There's a storm inside you, and I'm not leaving till I see a little sunshine.
Adam: Why do you always say super-weird stuff like that?
Beverly: Looks like someone needs a sugar shower.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: If you must know, the presidential fitness test is tomorrow, and I'm gonna be the only guy doing the flexed arm hang with the girls.
Beverly: Say no more. Mama will never, ever let anything remotely uncomfortable happen to you. I'll just write you a note and get you out of it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I'll write you a note.
Adam: Seriously? I'm gonna hug you so hard right now, I might break every bone in your body.
Beverly: Oh. Oh, come on, Adam. Don't be scared. You can hug me harder than that.
Adam: Okay. How does this feel?
Beverly: Mama will write you a note.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Are you kidding me? Where are your pants? My pen pal will be here any minute.
Murray: Doesn't having a pen pal come to your house defeat the whole purpose of having a pen pal?

Quote from Erica

Erica: Mom, if he does not wear his pants and stop speaking French gibberish, I will leave this house forever.

Quote from Pops

Erica: Just because she's French doesn't mean she'll make out with you.
Pops: I beg to differ, actually. In my experience, the French demoiselle is very adventurous.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Erica, I'm gonna need your help. Here's a bunch of phrases I need translated into her native tongue so I can get a little of that native tongue.
Erica: "Girl, our countries have been at war too long. Let's make peace and love together."
Barry: Mmm-hmm.
Erica: You know what? I will help you.
Barry: Nice. I can tell by that smile we're on the same page.

Quote from Pops

Pops: You're gonna mess with him, aren't you?
Erica: Big time.
Pops: I don't know how he doesn't see that kind of thing coming by now. It's very upsetting.

Quote from Adam

Coach Mellor: You have Osgood-"Shladder" disease?
Adam: Actually, it's pronounced "Schlotter", and there's an article attached. My hamstrings and ligaments aren't keeping up with my bones. I'm growing too fast.
Coach Mellor: You're growing too fast? Where?
Adam: It's all in the note.
Coach Mellor: You really expect me to believe your mother wrote this note?
Adam: Yes, 'cause she actually did.

Quote from Adam

Coach Mellor: Son, did you ever see the movie "Red Dawn"?
Adam: A million times. Do you love movies? 'Cause I love movies.
Coach Mellor: Let me ask you a question. What are you gonna do when the Ruski invaders storm the suburbs of Philly?
Adam: Actually, I think they'd be more interested in coastal cities and financial centers.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: It was a ridiculous test, Murray. Since when is strength measured by how many pull-ups a person can do? You know what takes real strength? Tackling the role of Levi in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat". And Adam was scrumptious.

Quote from Murray

Coach Mellor: There's nothing wrong with my test, ma'am. If Adam suffers from anything, it is from a far more serious and permanent condition called the wuss-bags.
Murray: Hey. My son may be unathletic and afraid of birds-
Beverly: He's not afraid of all birds.
Murray: I know, not all birds.
Beverly: Not all birds.
Murray: But he's not a wuss.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Look, I am administering a test at the direct order of the President of the United States. If you want Adam out of it, get a note from him.
Beverly: Then it's settled. I'll see you back here on Monday.
Coach Mellor: What just happened?
Murray: She's gonna go get a note from the president.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hello, I'm Pennsylvania citizen Beverly Goldberg, and I'm here to speak to the governor.
Comptroller: Umm, this is the comptroller's office.
Beverly: Great. Then I'll speak to the comptroller.
Comptroller: Uh, and what does this pertain to?
Beverly: The presidential fitness test.
Comptroller: And the comptroller can help how?
Beverly: He can put me in touch with the governor, who can put me in touch with the president so I can get my son out of gym class.

Quote from Beverly

Comptroller: Uh, but I get the sense you're not gonna leave, so here's what I'm gonna do. There's a guy in the state assembly's office who screwed over my sister. I think he should meet you. Sound good?
Beverly: Sounds great.
Comptroller: Now, I'm just gonna write down these directions, and when you see him, just tell him, "Jill's brother says hi."
Beverly: Thank you for taking comptrol of the situation.
Comptroller: Not a word.
Beverly: Yes, it is.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Good morning, mon Chéri.
Fanny: Hello, Barry.
Barry: Hi.
Erica: Getting into this right away, huh, Barry?
Barry: What? I'm just showing her a traditional American breakfast. Fanny, this is called a pop-tart. In America, we eat our fruit inside bread.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Enough. I'm sorry. I have to stop this. It's too far.
Erica: You speak French?
Pops: How many times do I have to tell you this? I was in the war. I helped liberate France.
Erica: That was real?

Quote from Murray

Adam: Has Mom come back from the president's house yet?
Murray: Are you kidding? No.
Adam: Have you checked the answering machine? Maybe Mr. Reagan left a message or something.
Murray: You know, the president's a very busy man. He might not have time to help one little boy get out of gym class.

Quote from Adam

Adam: He likes jelly beans.
Murray: No, no, he's got a fun side, but I think you might want to consider that your mom's not gonna come through on this.
Adam: I know it's a bit of a long shot, but she's never let me down before.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: I did it! I got a note from the president of the United States of America.
Murray: Huh? Huh?
Beverly: Actually, it's from the secretary to the undersecretary to the president, who's the best friend of the lieutenant governor's cousin who just wanted to get me out of the office, but it's got the presidential seal, so it's official.
Murray: Wow. But no. Adam and I just had a talk, and he understands the importance of just trying.
Adam: I'll take the note! I'll take the note. Mom, you're the best. I'll see you around the TV sometime.

Quote from Barry

Attendant: Hey, you can't park there.
Barry: It's okay. I'm here to see a girl. I'm in love.
Attendant: You got it, chief. That's how the world works. [into radio] We need a tow truck at Terminal 3.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Okay, that's enough. No more. I like his little baby arms. I'm gonna chew on those arms! Oh! Tickle, tickle!
Murray: Will you stop it? What do you do that for?
Beverly: I love him so much.


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