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‘The President's Fitness Test’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Goldbergs: The President's Fitness Test

119. The President's Fitness Test

Aired April 1, 2014

When Adam worries about the upcoming Presidential Fitness test, Beverly offers to write a note to let him get out of gym class. Their plan backfires when Coach Meller says only a way to escape the test is a note from the President. As Beverly goes on a mission to get her son a presidential pardon, Murray tries to teach Adam the importance of trying. Meanwhile, Erica's French pen pal comes to visit, leading Barry to ask for his sister's help to impress their foreign house guest.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Absolutely not. Every kid in America has to take that test.
Beverly: Well, what does that have to do with my Adam?

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Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Now, why is this test important? America needs warriors to fight the evils of communism. Tomorrow, that battle begins with the seven basic exercises, which include the sit-and-reach, the mile run, and the pull-up.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I wrote the note.
Murray: Oh [bleep] me.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You know why I really want you to take this test?
Adam: You need an outlet for your hostility?
Murray: No. Stop aggravating me! I'm trying to help you here, man.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: My lord, that was the ugliest pull-up I've ever seen. You'll still get killed in the first wave of attacks, but maybe, just maybe, you'll take a couple of those commie bastards with you. Well done, Goldberg.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Has anyone seen my car? I know the sign says you can't park there, but it's okay 'cause I'm in love.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: The Presidential Fitness Test. Our great president, Ronald Reagan, along with the Predator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, care enough about you to demand physical excellence.
Adam: Technically, Arnold wasn't the Predator. He was the prey.
Coach Mellor: Nobody cares, Goldfarb.
Adam: It's Goldberg. It's literally written on my shirt.
Coach Mellor: Good for you.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Let me tell you something, Mr.and Mrs. Goldfarb. There are three things I hate in life: my ex-wife, carrots, and lies.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Murray: Okay, why did I close my store and rush down here?
Coach Mellor: Because President Reagan asked me personally through a xeroxed letter to oversee a fitness test of his design. And your son tried to get out of it with an absurd note that no parent would ever write.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Fanny just left for the airport. You didn't want to say goodbye?
Barry: What's the point? She thinks I'm a bed-wetting loser thanks to you.
Erica: Actually, I don't think she does. Look, she left you this note.
Barry: Oh, no! I don't read French!
Erica: Right, but I do. "Barry, sorry I was so weird around you. American boys intimidate me. Especially the ones who are so good at sports, nunchucking, and frisbee."
Barry: She knows about my frisbee skills? Did she write about the sketch I gave her of us riding a dolphin?
Erica: No, but she did say if you're ever in Paris, look her up.

Quote from Beverly

Comptroller: Question, do you have any idea what a comptroller does?
Beverly: Of course. He comptrols the great state of Pennsylvania, and I need him to get me to the man who comptrols America.
Comptroller: Here's a thing. Uh, "comptrol," the way you're using it, isn't a word.
Beverly: Yes, it is.
Comptroller: No. No, it's not.
Beverly: It is.
Comptroller: Not really.
Beverly: Yeah, it is.
Comptroller: Definitely not a word. Straight-up not a word.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I know you're aiming for down there, Ryan, but it's not cool!

Quote from Adam

Adam: What if you can't do a pull-up? I'm asking hypothetically for a friend that couldn't make it today. Name's Josh. You don't know him.
Coach Mellor: Well, if you are the kind of boy who is weak of will and spirit, you don't have to do it. Instead, you will join the girls in the flexed arm hang.
Adam: Josh is not gonna like that.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Honey, it's so late. Why are you sitting alone in the dark? Oh, no. What's the matter?
Adam: Nothing.
Beverly: Poopie, something's wrong. There's a storm inside you, and I'm not leaving till I see a little sunshine.
Adam: Why do you always say super-weird stuff like that?
Beverly: Looks like someone needs a sugar shower.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: If you must know, the presidential fitness test is tomorrow, and I'm gonna be the only guy doing the flexed arm hang with the girls.
Beverly: Say no more. Mama will never, ever let anything remotely uncomfortable happen to you. I'll just write you a note and get you out of it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I'll write you a note.
Adam: Seriously? I'm gonna hug you so hard right now, I might break every bone in your body.
Beverly: Oh. Oh, come on, Adam. Don't be scared. You can hug me harder than that.
Adam: Okay. How does this feel?
Beverly: Mama will write you a note.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Are you kidding me? Where are your pants? My pen pal will be here any minute.
Murray: Doesn't having a pen pal come to your house defeat the whole purpose of having a pen pal?

Quote from Erica

Erica: Mom, if he does not wear his pants and stop speaking French gibberish, I will leave this house forever.

Quote from Pops

Erica: Just because she's French doesn't mean she'll make out with you.
Pops: I beg to differ, actually. In my experience, the French demoiselle is very adventurous.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Erica, I'm gonna need your help. Here's a bunch of phrases I need translated into her native tongue so I can get a little of that native tongue.
Erica: "Girl, our countries have been at war too long. Let's make peace and love together."
Barry: Mmm-hmm.
Erica: You know what? I will help you.
Barry: Nice. I can tell by that smile we're on the same page.

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