Justine: Yeah, only women can use the word "bitch," 'cause we took that word back, right, ladies?
Mateo: No, bitch, the gays took that from you.

Mateo: You were supposed to tell him to get a job.
Jonah: But then he said all that stuff, and you told him to follow his bliss.
Mateo: Because I'm not supposed to be the bad cop. That was your job.
Jonah: I'm sorry. You seemed on board.
Mateo: It's called acting. Okay, when you watch Terms of Endearment, Debra Winger doesn't actually have cancer.
Jonah: I haven't seen it yet. It's on my list. But I still have a lot of TV to get through. We're in a golden age of television.

Mateo: [voice breaking] We were all so scared. And I made a promise to myself that day that if I survived, I would let the people that I love know how much they mean to me. Every. Day. [sobs]
Glenn: Okay, Mateo, you seem to be hitting the drama a little hard.
Mateo: Oh, [scoffs] okay. You said you wanted emotion. I gave you emotion.
Glenn: Well, maybe less emotion.
Mateo: All right, got it. No problem. [deep voice] It was chaos. People screaming. Debris flying everywhere like locusts. I started my shift a boy. But I clocked out a man...
Dina: Okay, that's good. That's good. I think we've seen enough. Moving on. Gonna move on.
Mateo: Wait, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm trying to do it normal, but it's... It was crazy when I think about that tornado. You know, it's... You think you know what it's like to be scared. But then when you feel true fear for the first time, it envelopes you and crushes you. But then it sort of comforts you. Like a hug, and I... I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it... Ugh. [voice breaking] Sorry.
Glenn: Aw. [notices the camera isn't recording] Are you kidding me right now?!

Dina: This doesn't seem Christmas-y.
Mateo: So the idea there is post-apocalyptic Christmas. Like, what if the Grinch had succeeded in conquering Whoville and Cindy Lou Who grew up, got boobs, and was leading a resistance? Like, not that exactly, but in that area.
Dina: [scoffs] I don't want to be insulting, but are we sure that idea is not just pure gay nonsense?
Mateo: [clears throat] Dina, I am trying to give you something original, something that will make ugly Denise want to walk into the ocean. Can you please just trust me?
Dina: Honestly, that's gonna be tough. I've always had this weird thing about people with glasses. When I was younger, a nearsighted man bit me. You know what? It's a long story. I-I got hep A. I'm okay now, but... [sighs] All right, let's see what else you got.
Mateo: Okay, this next outfit answers the question, what if Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast was a hot tween?

Dina: And Kevin knew they were gonna rob Mr. Duncan's toy store, so he threw a rock through the window.
Mateo: I can't believe his mom forgot him again. Ugh. You know, some women just shouldn't be parents. There, I said it.

Man: Excuse me, do you know anything about drills?
Mateo: Oh, God, no. Ew. [scoffs]

Mateo: My parents still think I'm straight.
Jonah: Really?
Mateo: What? I could be straight. [deep voice] Oh, my God, a football. Throw!

Mateo: [deep voice] I hate to see her go, but I love looking at her butt. [normal voice] See? This is easy for me.

Glenn: Where's Sayid?
Dina: I told him to shovel out front.
Glenn: What? Hasn't he been through enough? I mean, the last thing he needs is to be thrown out in the cold like like he's some nothing. Mateo, go take over for Sayid.
Mateo: Me? Wha- You know what? I can't. I am on holiday wrapping duty.
Glenn: No problem. Garrett, could you take over for Mateo, please?
Mateo: Or we can just cut out the middle man and have Garrett shovel the snow.
Garrett: What? How am I supposed to do that?
Mateo: I mean, we have snow tires. Okay, I want everybody to remember this the next time somebody says "Garrett can do anything."
Garrett: Wow.

Mateo: It's so unfair. I'm stuck outside shoveling snow while Sayid gets treated like he's part of Janet Jackson's entourage, or something.
Cheyenne: I know, he's safe and sound now. If anyone deserves special treatment, it's you.
Mateo: Right? Thank you.
Cheyenne: I mean, you could be deported literally at any moment, just taken back to the Philippines on some sex trafficker's yacht.
Mateo: What? I'm undocumented, not Liam Neeson's daughter. [Cheyenne coughs] Hey, Sayid. Whatcha doing?
Sayid: I left my lunch in the car.
Mateo: Cool. Well, looks yummy for your tummy. [laughs nervously] Apple a day. Ha ha.