Mateo: My UPM score is a five.
Garrett: A five? Even I got a 30.
Mateo: Well, you have better hand-eye coordination. I can't be wasting my time playing Star Trek video games all day.
Garrett: Uh, it's Star Wars.
Mateo: Same diff. They're just ugly people floating in space.
Garrett: Yeah, they're not floating in space. They're on planets most of the time. That's just an ignorant comment.

Jonah: I... It's tough.
Amy: Come on, you went to business school. Can't you just track down some wasteful spending?
Jonah: It's not like there's a line item for wasteful spending.
Amy: Well, let's think outside the box or cut the pork. Like, that's a thing, right?
Jonah: Those are words, yes.

Jonah: You know, a lot of people think women make better bosses than men. It's like they say, uh... Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but backwards and in high heels.
Myrtle: That's total crap. When did Ginger dance backwards?
Jonah: Oh, uh, it's just an expression.
Myrtle: They danced in circles or side by side.
Marcus: You're only defending her because she's a woman. That's sexism.
Amy: If she was a man, there's no way we'd be standing around talking about her appearance.
Jonah: Exactly.
Myrtle: Name one picture where Ginger Rogers was better than Rita Hayworth.
Jonah: I don't know any.
Myrtle: Ginger Rogers was nothing.
Marcus: Come on, man. Big Time. Top Hat. Swinging Down to Rio. You froze up, dude.

Sandra: Why don't you just tell Laurie you're fat?
Dina: Because fat people are fat everywhere. This is clearly a baby bump.
Sandra: We could pad you all over, like how they do Hollywood actors. Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry. I am not intentionally just naming Black actors.
Dina: Sandra, if I didn't need your Hulu password, I would kill you right now.

Marcus: It's because she's a bitch. Laurie, not Myrtle.
Amy: Please, Jeff did all kinds of crappy things, and no one ever called him a bitch.
Garrett: When Jeff changed the vendors for the vending machine, you called him a [bleep].
Amy: Yeah, well, that's because the vending machine didn't have any Takis.
Marcus: Sorry, if Laurie is being a bitch, wouldn't the truly sexist thing be for me to not call her a bitch?
Amy: No, that's not the point.
Jonah: Actually, I think I kind of agree with Marcus.
Amy: What?
Marcus: Yes! Red pill brothers.
Jonah: No, I just mean if we had true equality, you could call out women for doing something terrible when they're doing something terrible.
Marcus: Like being a bitch.
Jonah: See, there's that word again. Maybe let's not use that.

Justine: Yeah, only women can use the word "bitch," 'cause we took that word back, right, ladies?
Mateo: No, bitch, the gays took that from you.

Glenn: All right, Myrtle. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Myrtle: Yep. [over radio] Breaker 1-9. This is Myrtle the Turtle saying, keep it groovy.
Man: [over radio] Get off this channel.

Garrett: I didn't even know that the lasers could read the bar codes that quickly. Wow. Hey, you know what would be a good idea? If Mateo did a demonstration of his technique for the rest of us.
Mateo: [scoffs] What?
Laurie: I love that idea. Okay, excellent. Yes. Let's meet, register one, five minutes, okay?
Garrett: Five minutes, we'll be there.
Mateo: See you there. O-okay. [Laurie walks away] What was that?
Garrett: That's what happens when you say that Star Wars and Star Trek are the same thing.
Mateo: What... so this whole thing is just a setup because I insulted your stupid space opera?
Garrett: Shh! Save your energy.
Mateo: Oh, God.

Dina: Hey, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page about keeping this whole situation from Laurie.
Glenn: Oh, 'cause you're not married.
Dina: What? No. I just mean a lot of bosses don't like preggos.
Glenn: What? No, everyone loves preggos. It's like the saying. Everyone likes preggos, LEGOs, and Eggos.

Mateo: I just can't make it work. Okay, I-I don't know how you check out people so quickly.
Garrett: Why don't you just go into Glenn's computer and change your stats?
Mateo: You can do that?
Garrett: You kidding me? I do it all the time. Why do you think I never work Fridays but get paid for Fridays?