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District Manager

‘District Manager’

Season 3, Episode 17 - Aired March 29, 2018

When a new district manager, Laurie (Jennifer Irwin), is assigned to replace Jeff, Amy inadvertently advises her to fire Myrtle. Meanwhile, Dina tries to hide her baby bump, and Mateo worries about his performance on check-out.

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: My UPM score is a five.
Garrett: A five? Even I got a 30.
Mateo: Well, you have better hand-eye coordination. I can't be wasting my time playing Star Trek video games all day.
Garrett: Uh, it's Star Wars.
Mateo: Same diff. They're just ugly people floating in space.
Garrett: Yeah, they're not floating in space. They're on planets most of the time. That's just an ignorant comment.

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Quote from Amy

Jonah: I... It's tough.
Amy: Come on, you went to business school. Can't you just track down some wasteful spending?
Jonah: It's not like there's a line item for wasteful spending.
Amy: Well, let's think outside the box or cut the pork. Like, that's a thing, right?
Jonah: Those are words, yes.

Quote from Myrtle

Jonah: You know, a lot of people think women make better bosses than men. It's like they say, uh... Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but backwards and in high heels.
Myrtle: That's total crap. When did Ginger dance backwards?
Jonah: Oh, uh, it's just an expression.
Myrtle: They danced in circles or side by side.
Marcus: You're only defending her because she's a woman. That's sexism.
Amy: If she was a man, there's no way we'd be standing around talking about her appearance.
Jonah: Exactly.
Myrtle: Name one picture where Ginger Rogers was better than Rita Hayworth.
Jonah: I don't know any.
Myrtle: Ginger Rogers was nothing.
Marcus: Come on, man. Big Time. Top Hat. Swinging Down to Rio. You froze up, dude.

Quote from Sandra

Sandra: Why don't you just tell Laurie you're fat?
Dina: Because fat people are fat everywhere. This is clearly a baby bump.
Sandra: We could pad you all over, like how they do Hollywood actors. Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry. I am not intentionally just naming Black actors.
Dina: Sandra, if I didn't need your Hulu password, I would kill you right now.

Quote from Marcus

Marcus: It's because she's a bitch. Laurie, not Myrtle.
Amy: Please, Jeff did all kinds of crappy things, and no one ever called him a bitch.
Garrett: When Jeff changed the vendors for the vending machine, you called him a [bleep].
Amy: Yeah, well, that's because the vending machine didn't have any Takis.
Marcus: Sorry, if Laurie is being a bitch, wouldn't the truly sexist thing be for me to not call her a bitch?
Amy: No, that's not the point.
Jonah: Actually, I think I kind of agree with Marcus.
Amy: What?
Marcus: Yes! Red pill brothers.
Jonah: No, I just mean if we had true equality, you could call out women for doing something terrible when they're doing something terrible.
Marcus: Like being a bitch.
Jonah: See, there's that word again. Maybe let's not use that.

Quote from Mateo

Justine: Yeah, only women can use the word "bitch," 'cause we took that word back, right, ladies?
Mateo: No, bitch, the gays took that from you.

Quote from Myrtle

Glenn: All right, Myrtle. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Myrtle: Yep. [over radio] Breaker 1-9. This is Myrtle the Turtle saying, keep it groovy.
Man: [over radio] Get off this channel.

Quote from Garrett

Garrett: I didn't even know that the lasers could read the bar codes that quickly. Wow. Hey, you know what would be a good idea? If Mateo did a demonstration of his technique for the rest of us.
Mateo: [scoffs] What?
Laurie: I love that idea. Okay, excellent. Yes. Let's meet, register one, five minutes, okay?
Garrett: Five minutes, we'll be there.
Mateo: See you there. O-okay. [Laurie walks away] What was that?
Garrett: That's what happens when you say that Star Wars and Star Trek are the same thing.
Mateo: What... so this whole thing is just a setup because I insulted your stupid space opera?
Garrett: Shh! Save your energy.
Mateo: Oh, God.

Quote from Glenn

Dina: Hey, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page about keeping this whole situation from Laurie.
Glenn: Oh, 'cause you're not married.
Dina: What? No. I just mean a lot of bosses don't like preggos.
Glenn: What? No, everyone loves preggos. It's like the saying. Everyone likes preggos, LEGOs, and Eggos.

Quote from Garrett

Mateo: I just can't make it work. Okay, I-I don't know how you check out people so quickly.
Garrett: Why don't you just go into Glenn's computer and change your stats?
Mateo: You can do that?
Garrett: You kidding me? I do it all the time. Why do you think I never work Fridays but get paid for Fridays?

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