Tammy Two: Two of my lovers in one place. What a coincidence.
Ron Swanson: Tammy.
Tammy Two: Hello, Ron. Ooh, what happened here? And more importantly, does the carpet match the face?
Ron Swanson: If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else. An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.
Tammy Two: Tell that to your pants-tent.
Ron Swanson: It's just the way I'm standing. Go back to the library, where you belong.

Leslie Knope: Basically, we're being attacked by Godzilla. And to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water?
Andy: Andy.
Tammy Two: Hey, Andy. How's it hanging?
Leslie Knope: Listen, we need you to break Ron from her spell. Can't you just move your butt around, or wear a dress made out of meat?
Tammy Two: Well I could do all those things and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
April: Eww!
Andy: Could we take a peek at it?
Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday school teacher, too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses, and then destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Leslie Knope: Tammy, what are you doing here?
Tammy Two: Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
Leslie Knope: Can I speak with you for a moment? Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books?
Tammy Two: Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.m.
Leslie Knope: Of course it does.
Tammy Two: Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron.
Leslie Knope: So you can ruin his life?
Tammy Two: So I can have fun with him, and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life. I am so, so happy for him--
Tammy Two: Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. Wow, look at this room. So much wood, ready to be worked.
Leslie Knope: [bleep] me!

Leslie Knope: [humming] Alert... alert, alert, alert.
Ron Swanson: She's here, isn't she?
Tammy Two: Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here.
Ron Swanson: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife.
Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife. We were married twice.
Leslie Knope: And divorced twice. Everything is done. They are totally done.

Tammy Two: Hello, Ron. Hello, Ron's friend.
Ron Swanson: Tammy, what could possibly bring you to a children's performance... preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn?
Tammy Two: No, just trolling for some daddy. Oh, sorry. I pronounced that wrong. Trolling for some dad "D."
Ron Swanson: Diane, why don't you take the girls for some ice cream while I dispose of this sewer-dwelling gutter witch?
Diane Lewis: Bye, Tammy. Always a pleasure.
Tammy Two: You're not fooling me, Ron. This little domestic charade of yours hasn't changed you one bit. You're still the same old Ron Swanson, and I will defeat you. I will defeat you right into my pants.

Leslie Knope: Tammy, can I speak with you for a second? I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
Tammy Two: Leslie, that's crazy. And correct.
Leslie Knope: Why are you doing this?
Tammy Two: Les, there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing. And then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home.
Ron Swanson: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's Butthole?
Tammy Two: Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville Station.
Donna: Red alert, Swanson. Your ex-wife is back.
Ron Swanson: No kidding, Donna.
Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife.
Ron Swanson: Tammy One.
Donna: She's in your office.
Tammy Two: [bleep]! [runs away]

Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you, as you claimed, have evidence linking Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law breaking?
Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove-
Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath, and if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted.
Tammy Two: Nothing. They will definitively prove nothing. You cut me off. [chuckles] I don't have any evidence. Oh, Chris, so silly. Okay, bye, guys. Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!

Leslie Knope: Hello? Hi. I'm Leslie Knope. I called a little while ago.
Tammy Two: You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me?
Tammy Two: You have overdue book fees totaling $3, missy.
Leslie Knope: That is so typical. I should have known you'd use a low blow, dirty pool BS move like that.
Tammy Two: No...
Leslie Knope: That's why everybody hates the library. Here. You know what? Here's your $3. And I'll see you in hell.
Tammy Two: Leslie, no... Leslie, Leslie, Leslie. I'm just kidding. My gosh, I mean, you did have $3 worth of fines, but I cleared them. We government gals have to watch each other's backs, right?
Leslie Knope: I know this is a trap. But I don't know how.
Tammy Two: Okay. Did you talk to Ron? Um, Ron tends to exaggerate when it comes to me. I swear I don't have cloven feet. Please. Sit down.