Leslie Knope: I want it to be a perfect park with a state-of-the-art swing set, and basketball courts, and off to the side, a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.
Tammy Two: Wow. If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase. [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Well, that's the goal, Tammy.
Tammy Two: Listen, you guys got there first. I'm gonna withdraw my request for the lot, as a professional courtesy to you. Government gals, right?
Leslie Knope: Government gals.

Tammy Two: It's really good to see you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: You've aged horribly.
Tammy Two: You son of a bitch.
Ron Swanson: That didn't take long.
Tammy Two: Oh, my God. What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it? Who set the bed on fire, huh?
Waiter: Excuse me, folks.
Ron Swanson: I did. Okay? Is that what you wanna hear?
Waiter: Please, folks.
Ron Swanson: We're fine. We're fine.

Leslie Knope: Whale tale. Whale tale. She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.
Ron Swanson: Hello, Tammy.
Tammy Two: Oh. Hello, Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
Ron Swanson: And?
Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?

Tom: What's up? Tom Haverford's in the building. Whoo!
Leslie Knope: Tom, what the hell are you doing?
Tom: Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest. I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson.
Tammy Two: Hiya, Ron.
Tom: Oh. Hiya, Ron.
Tammy Two: Hey, Ron.
Tom: I'm sorry. Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I? Ooh, I like this song. Do you wanna dance, Tammy?
Tammy Two: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ron Swanson: Tammy.
Tammy Two: Uh. Oh, hi, Ron. I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn.
Tom: Tom.
Ron Swanson: You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. This isn't about you. It's about me.
Tom: Typical Ron Swanson. Always thinking about yourself. Maybe we like each other.
Tammy Two: Yeah, maybe we do.

Ron Swanson: Tammy and I are in love, and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating. So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.
Jerry: Wow. Where are you going?
Leslie Knope: Jerry.
Ron Swanson: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
Tammy Two: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God.

Tammy Two: Ooh, what's in here, huh? [gasps] A new library card?
Woman: Read the name.
Tammy Two: "Tammy Swanson Swanson." [laughter] You guys, that's amazing. [laughter]
Ron Swanson: Well, you about ready to go, my love?
Tammy Two: Yeah.

Tom: Wait, Ron! Stop! Jerry, what the hell? Don't do it. She doesn't love you.
Ron Swanson: You don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing here?
Tom: Yes, I do, okay? When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute and said, and I quote, "Anything to make Ron miserable." It's not real, man. She's just messing with you.
Tammy Two: He's lying, Ron. Stay out of this, Glenn.

Martin Housely: Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Awards. [cheers and applause] I'm your host, Martin Housely, and wow, it's gonna be a great show, knock on wood. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: That's good.
Tammy Two: Oh, my gosh. What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table!
Leslie Knope: Tammy, this table is reserved.
Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt, respectively. Remember that, Ron?
Diane Lewis: Subtle.

Tom: They're reading their old divorce papers.
Tammy Two: [laughing] "Three fistfuls of hair." That's not even possible.